A Few Bad Men...
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Watch any of MTV’s craptacular shitcoms and you’ll see that it’s no wonder so many single women constantly complain there are no good men left. One gander at the boner-toting, Crisco-haired losers on "The Jersey Shore" is enough to send any sane woman screaming towards the waiting arms of Ellen and her army of G.I. Joe lesbians. Considering the alternatives, you can hardly blame them. But for those who decide take a dip in the urine-filled dating pool, meet a few of America’s most eligible (and typical) bachelors, all of whom are more than willing to pay for dinner if it comes with a ticket to third base...

Bachelor #1
Brent, 28 years old
Strategic Investment Management Assistance Associate
 


Ladies, don’t be fooled by the long, seemingly important job title or the fact that he works at one of those big-name investment companies. He’s really just a sniveling turd, who sucks off his six managers and does all of the bullshit busy-work for the real breadwinners at the firm. Because of this, he’ll take any opportunity in his personal life to exert authority and push around people he feels are less important. He’s the type of guy that will call you a filthy whore in bed, slap you in the face with his cock and finish in your eye. He’d probably secretly film it too, jerking off to it a few times before putting it on the internet for all his buddies to see (Thanks, dude. But more flattering lighting next time, mkay?). And that business degree from Yale that he’ll mention seven times isn’t working out as planned. As soon as his parents kick him out of the guesthouse, he won’t be able to afford the Nacho Station at 7-11, let alone a romantic dinner. Steer clear of this guy. If he shows up on your blind date, fake menstrual cramps and tell him you have four kids. Then go home, change the batteries in your vibrator and thank Christ that you didn’t let him dry-hump you in his Acura.



Bachelor #2
Slade, 27 years old
Retail Manager/Bartender/Model/Actor



No matter what advice you’re given, you’re going to continue dating this guy as long as he’s interested. Because you’re stupid and horny. Just like him. His Abercrombie appearance renders everything else temporarily unimportant. You view his four jobs as a sign of motivation, even though his “acting” experience consists of pretending to be straight for the past 27 years. He’ll take more time to get ready than you and his lack of female friends will always have you wondering if he ever rode the Meatpole Express to Starfishville. You’ll probably have sex with him a few times before realizing that you’re tired of talking about moisturizer, tanning, and hair removal with someone that doesn’t have a vagina. And his lack of any body hair makes you feel like you’re fucking an infant dolphin. Three months later, you’re still single, more disenchanted and slightly less of a virgin. Do yourself a favor and pass on this guy, despite the temptation. Instead, strap a dildo onto a mannequin and go nuts. You’ll get the same effect without the headaches or obsessive requests to shave his back.


Bachelor #3
J.T., 35 years old
Construction/Snow Removal


It’s easy to fall prey to this hard-working, blue-collar, red-blooded regular Joe. With all the metrosexuals prancing around, his permanent five o’clock shadow, calloused hands and wardrobe devoid of pink shirts are all welcome changes. He’s totally different from your ex-boyfriend, and his huge arms and shoulders remind you of a quarterback from the rival high school’s football team. And they should. Because he was. And he hasn’t changed at all. Run hard and run fast. There’s a reason you stopped giving him handjobs in his parent’s station wagon. You weren’t amused when he farted the chorus of “Paradise City” back then, and it hasn’t gotten any funnier or better-smelling now. He still thinks a fun Friday night consists of picking up a case of Bud (or MGD if it’s payday), playing video games, getting in fights at the pool hall and then banging you for a few minutes before passing out mid-thrust. Date this guy and you risk ending up on an episode of "Cops". The only way out is to act like a bitch at dinner. Talk about money constantly, text message your girlfriends, order the most expensive item on the menu, and when the check comes, slide it to him right away. When you go home, turn on "Cheaters", pour Wild Turkey on yourself, and pass out with a hot dog inside you. What? Doesn’t sound like fun? Then you made the right decision passing on Captain Flannel.



Bachelor #4
Chris (a.k.a. C-Smooth), 24 years old
Student

When a guy refers to himself by his nickname (which sounds like it’s better suited for a rapper), carries his own pool cue, and has sneakers that are whiter than a Klan rally, there’s a good chance he’ll spend much of the night trying to get you into his souped-up, import car with more Chinese lettering than a carton of Wonton soup. He may try to con you with promises of a “dope system, B” or some “bomb-ass trees,” but don’t fall for it. The reason he’s not trying to take you home is because “home” is an apartment he shares with a cousin or homeboy in a seedy section of town, close to the local community college where he’s only a sophomore. If you can tolerate the conversation about his ill-fated rap career or his plans to start his own production company when he graduates, you deserve everything that’s coming to you. In fact, you should probably just take C-Smooth’s bong and smash yourself in the head with it until you’ve forgotten everything you’ve learned in every English class you’ve ever attended. Then you can head straight for the mall and pick up a second job, because you’ll need more money to afford all the silver chains and throw-back jerseys that are required to keep MC GrammarCheck from sticking his “mic” in everything with teased bangs and dark lip liner.

So there you have it: a condensed look at every single guy in America. You know what? You’re probably right. There AREN’T any good guys out there. You should probably go get drunk off Apple-tinis and make out with your best friend while her husband films it. And then plays it every Sunday at halftime. There may not be a lot of good guys left, but there are a lot of jerkoffs that are taken. Take comfort in that.

You're welcome.

22 comments for this post

Krissy Hardy

LMAOOOO!!!! Once again Kim, you have made me VERY happy to be married, and VERY thankful for my husband. You never cease to amaze me gf!!

Posted on Friday, January 29, 2010  

Thank you for making me laugh today. I needed it. Miss ya! And A+ on the accuracy of your reports. All of them=trouble.

Posted on Saturday, February 06, 2010  
Jerry, Los Angeles, CA

I cannot stop laughing. Thank you thank you thank you.

Posted on Monday, February 08, 2010  
Anonymous

Not all men are bad. Some of them are dead. Love your stuff!

Posted on Monday, February 08, 2010  

Yo peep this! I'm da bird man daddy, ya heard? Don't make me raise my pimp hand! I doesn't get dissed like dis all up in public n shit. Yo pigeon-holing white-ass needs to get checked. Axe my baby-mamas, who pay da rent? Huh? Who buy da diapers? Huh? Who?
m

Posted on Tuesday, February 09, 2010  

In reply to Mark Seif:

Nigga please... who in the fuck does you think you IS, you triflin ass hater...? Youz wile'n out son. This shizzys off the meat rack yo. And if you dont know, now you know nigga. That's how I do son. Ya better ax somebody, ya heard? I gets mine, a'ight?. I'm durdy durdy - Nigga ya heard me? West Sy-eeeed. Yayuh. Gangsta son, GANGSTA. Ya dig?

Posted on Tuesday, February 09, 2010  

Also in reply to Mark Seif....

Please allow me to also say "I've tried MURDER CASES bitch!!!!"

lol lol

***Always nice to hear from you, sir. Even if it IS in Uber-Ebonics!

K <3

Posted on Tuesday, February 09, 2010  

When you gonna be ready to get yo ass smacked around again ?
m

Posted on Wednesday, February 10, 2010  

Simply say the word, and I'll be there (with bells on) ready to show you who's the bosslady. ;)

Posted on Friday, February 12, 2010  

HEHEHEHEH, its very nice great post.

Posted on Sunday, February 14, 2010  
Anonymous

great article. I would love to follow you on twitter.

Posted on Monday, February 15, 2010  

Thank you for all the great posts from last year! I look forward to reading your blog, because they are always full of information that I can put to use. Thank you again, and God bless you in 2010.

Posted on Monday, February 15, 2010  
Anonymous

You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view

Posted on Friday, February 19, 2010  

Have you seen any blokes you do fancy on the poker circuit? I played a few events at the WSOP , EPT , GUKPT - Shaniac would prob be someone you get on well with.

Posted on Wednesday, March 10, 2010  
Anonymous

Hi everybody!

Sure, you’ve heard about me, because my fame is running in front of me,
friends call me Nikolas.
Generally I’m a venturesome gambler. recently I take a great interest in online-casino and poker.
Not long time ago I started my own blog, where I describe my virtual adventures.
Probably, it will be interesting for you to read my notes.
Please visit my diary. http://allbestcasino.com I’ll be glad would you find time to leave your comments.

Posted on Thursday, March 11, 2010  

Being lonely in a crowded room. Feeling sad and not knowing why, not being able to sleep, waking up in the morning not being able to move, giving up your life out of no choice, crying for no reason, making a demon appear in your head. Listen to its horrid world making your life spin in circles not knowing what path to take. The dead end of a road. The coffee black peice in your soul, not resting till the end of time, never leting it forget you, eating your soul, mind and heart. Try to run as you will, you life will be taken. Draging you one foot at a time into hell. The suicide you wish you could have just to end the pain. Pity when you hate others sympathy. Self hatred, sadness, anger, darkness, deadly, lonely, sorrowing, regreting, perpetual, and killing. Giving up your dreams to be stuck in the enternal force of demonic gravity. It is a world. It is my life.

http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com

Posted on Friday, March 12, 2010  

Laughed so hard I peed myself.

Posted on Sunday, March 14, 2010  
Anonymous

Ur!!!! We have won :)

Posted on Monday, March 15, 2010  
Anonymous

Hello. And Bye.

Posted on Saturday, March 20, 2010  

Hey Anonymous (aka spineless pussy who can't express their obvious hatred of me to my face & instead attempts to hide behind personal attacks in the comment section of my blog):

I know you are in Cranston. I know you use Verizon. I know your IP address & physical location. Keep harassing me & this will become a matter for the courts. Fuckface.

Yeah, it's a threat. Grow up and confront me like a grownup like everyone else who can't stand me. Or keep your childish bullshit to yourself. DOUCHEBAG.

Posted on Monday, March 22, 2010  
Anonymous

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Posted on Sunday, February 06, 2011  
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Posted on Thursday, February 14, 2013  
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