Semantics, Hypocrisy & Other Things On My Mind

Bear with me folks... I am a smidge manic today (I know - you're shocked.)

I've been attempting to decide which of the 98 1/2 subjects zipping through my head I'd like to talk about, but I can't settle firmly on one...

Therefore, I will be making brief statements about a few different things today...


1. Is it just me, or is anyone else's curiosity piqued as to why we can't buy a 50 Cent CD at Wal-Mart because he raps about guns, but what you CAN buy at Wal-Mart is a GUN?


2. I'm thinking that if your bedtime is "Tuesday", there's a good chance you may be bipolar.


3. I really for the life of me CANNOT UNDERSTAND why some people get so bent out of shape about how their Bipolar Disorder is referenced in relation to them as a person.  Is there a collossal difference between "I AM bipolar" and "I HAVE Bipolar" ???  I submit that no, there is not.  Use your valuable breath to talk about something that actually matters, like the fact that Baby Ruth bars only have about 45% of the nuts they used to have, or that a seven year old committed suicide -

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT SUBJECT....

WARNING!*TRIGGERS* WARNING!

WARNING!*TRIGGERS* WARNING! 

4. A seven year old Iranian boy committed suicide. Yeah. A SEVEN YEAR OLD.  When I read the article which talks about the boy's self inflicted death, I literally became sick. A SEVEN YEAR OLD.... it makes one think, does it not?

But here's the kicker folks; the powers that be are (of course) blaming the media.

An excerpt from the article, which was published on Medical News Today:

This seems to be the first case of attempted copycat suicide in a child under 10 years old. Exposure to suicidal behaviour in the media has been strongly linked to copycat suicide attempts but never in someone so young. This case warns of the potential danger to young people who are exposed to suicide even when it is fictional, and exposes the previously ignored role of attention deficit and impulsive behavioral traits on suicide...

I'm not sure what I think about a 7 year old hanging himself, and the media being faulted... but I'd be really interested in hearing from anyone who DOES know what they think about it.  The jury is still out on that one for me.

You can get the full article here: 
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/138177.php


It's sad, sad, news.....

It's Just Me - (Anonymous)

Some of you reading this might not know what a wonderful person the author of this blog is. She's kind, loving, intelligent and drop dead hilarious. I met her through my support group, and she is like a sister to me. The Bipolar Support Group has been a life changing and life saving experience for me. Finding that group and meeting and becoming so close to others in the group has been incredible. Having bipolar disorder can make you feel profoundly alone. It has been the one place where I have been able to feel understood, and it's the place where I have met the people I now consider to be like a second family to me. If you're suffering, check it out. You won't believe how it can feel to have the support of people who live what you are living.

I am a 41 year old single mother of two little boys who are the light of my life. I am an attorney and I own my own practice. My parents and brothers and sister are my best friends in the whole world. I am part of a truly amazing family and I'm thankful for them every day. After getting divorced at the age of 38, and having resolved to be alone, I accidentally met the love of my life at age 40. I have a wonderful psychiatrist who respects me, works with me and truly cares about me. I know so many people through my job, through living in a small town and through the two different universities I have graduated from, but the few people I listed above, and my second family at MDJunction are the only people who know me. For clients, judges, other attorneys, people in my community, people I volunteer with and on and on, I wear a mask and hide so much of who I am. It makes me sad to have to do that, but if I didn't, no one would hire me and I have two children to support, so wearing the mask is the high price I pay. It is exhausting.

For as long as I can remember, I have lived on the edge of a world everyone else seems to understand. I always thought that everyone else had the same feelings I do, but that they just understood how to handle them, whereas I did not. It was only after being diagnosed and finding the right combination of medications that I realized this wasn't true.

The rest of the world does not feel the way I do. I am a rapid cycler. I can go from manic to profoundly depressed in the course of a few weeks or a few days or a few hours. When I am manic, I don't sleep for days at a time. I have so many ideas that I can't keep up with my mind. I have so many different projects going on at the same time, but I often don't finish any of them. For some people with bipolar disorder, the manic phase is when they feel really great, but we are all different. When I am manic, I feel so anxious and out of control. I live in a state of fear. I cannot have a conversation with anyone because it feels as if they can't understand the desperate importance of my thoughts. During manic phases, I have said and done things to the people I love that are hurtful. I have made horrendous decisions and have spent money I didn't have.

Then comes the crash. It's a horrible, dark hole that is filled with a void. The void is hopelessness, self loathing, powerlessness, and fear. It is the feeling that I am such a bad person that I don't deserve the air that I breath. When I am depressed, I often feel as if I shouldn't be taking up space in the world, and I try to make myself smaller and smaller by talking less and less, leaving the house only when absolutely necessary and constantly believing the voice that tells me over and over and over again that I am less than, lower than and that I have done something unforgivable and so deserve to feel the pain. It is crying and crying and crying.

Whether depressed or manic, and even now that I am basically stable on medication, I always have racing and repetitive thoughts. A snippet of a song playing over and over, along with a fragmented to do list and "movies" my mind creates of past, present and future events, all at the same time. Even when I am asleep, I dream constantly and vividly. When my partner sleeps next to me, he tells me in the morning of the many conversations I have during the night. My mind doesn't rest very often.

For years before I was diagnosed, I punished myself through destructive behavior. I allowed myself to be used and abused, believing it was all I deserved. I self medicated my way through episodes, sometimes successfully but more often with consequences that just made life more difficult.

Through all those years before I was diagnosed, I wore a mask for the world. I wore a mask for family and friends and professors and bosses and anyone with whom I had any contact. No one ever knew me. No one could. It was exhausting to be me. I lived life in a constant state of fear, even during the good times.

I was diagnosed with depression after the birth of my first child eleven years ago. I was diagnosed as bipolar after the birth of my second child eight years ago. I was hospitalized twice because I wanted to die. I only accepted my diagnosis within the last two years, after several years of therapy and after years of being on one anti-depressant after another, which only ever made things worse.

I now take five different medications several times a day. It took months of trial and error to find the right combination of medications, but it was worth it. I still have ups and downs. My moods still swing from mania to depression. The medications make the swings less profound and more manageable. Logging on to MDJunction every day and getting the support I need from people who understand me is almost as important as the medications. Although the side effects of my medications can be difficult to live with and they unquestionably negatively affect my artistic creativity, it's still worth it. My world falls apart far less often now and I don't live in a constant state of fear. I know I will have to take medication for the rest of my life. That's ok.

For those of you who create the stigma surrounding mental illness through your ignorance, it's time for you to learn what it's all about. For those of you who suffer with this disorder in silence, know you're not alone. I can only hope that as more of us become willing to share our stories, there will be greater understanding and acceptance, and the stigma will slowly disappear. I am a good person. I am a good mother, daughter, sister, lawyer, friend and lover. I am sensitive and compassionate and smart and loving. The fact that I can say that and mean it on most days now is the best feeling, and holding those days in my mind and having people remind me of those things about myself helps me get through the other days when I still hate myself.

That's as much of my story as I can tell you. The rest is in my mind and my mind alone, and it really isn't something that can be explained. It's just me.

- Submitted by Anonymous

And speaking of spontaneous regurgitation...

Why, why why why... Oh Jesus Christ - why? WHY am I (and everyone else with bipolar) looked at with contempt and charged with intent when I show symptoms?  If I say that I'm depressed, people roll their eyes and say "Great. Her bipolar's back. Just great. Pfft!" then edge away from me as if they think I'm about to feed on them.

 I wonder...If I had cancer, would they get angry at me and say "Great, the tumor's back" ...? 

Living in Technicolor

We're always telling people to share their feelings... "Don't be ashamed," we say, "Having bipolar disorder is not shameful and it's not your fault!" However... those of us that stick to that line of reasoning and start talking to others about our disorder are still a problem for the general public. AARRGGHH!! Damned if you do, and damned it you don't. Some douchebags take issue with people who DO publically share the knowledge that they are mentally ill. Especially those who announce it for all to hear (like me!) .

There have been many accusations chucked at me, but the most frequently used accusation (by a landslide) is “You’re an attention seeker”. What the general population doesn’t know is that THIS attention seeker went through ten years of hellish episodes and denial, denial, denial before I accepted that something was mentally wrong with me. The reason for the denial??? I thought I was an attention seeker. Ha! And I thought all my problems were so insignificant that if I did try to get help, the doctors would laugh at me and say "Do you need a little attention ? Ha Ha Ha"...

I have always been fairly open. The VERY DAY I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, Rapid Cycling with Mixed States, I went out with my friends and told EVERYONE IN SIGHT! What I was seeking was general reassurance, naturally. (DUH!) I know that left to my own devices, I would have self-destructed. I openly discuss my mental illness because I'm working on SELF PRESERVATION; NOT ATTENTION! Jackasses.

Another reason I am open (especially now) about this is because I don’t want people like me to be tarred and feathered, then labeled "seekers of attention". Manic depression is an illness, like diabetes; like any incurable disease that needs to be treated ... There's just something about mental illness that makes the general population blink from the glare and look the other way. We are falsely accused - we're told "You're bringing this on yourself" or that we're doing something to cause ourselves to spend all our money, talk really fast, not sleep, not eat, fight with everybody, cry, think of dying... Yeah - you're right "Einstein"... all of that stuff is something I love so much that I intentionally bring it into my life... Asshole.

Bipolar, as you probably already know, is something that's difficult to explain. BUT IF MY EXPLANATION HELPS JUST ONE PERSON TO UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS DISORDER AS A REALITY, THEN I'LL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE EXPLAINING IT!

There’s more to this than documentaries interviewing fuzzy haired artists. And more than the mental wards you see on 20/20 or 60 Minutes. It isn’t all crying in your bed, sitting, being mentally ill. Nor is it running down the streets half dressed (although I have done a fair amount of that, too). Our life revolves around taking medication and coping with the problems that go along with it.. Pills for the Mentally Interesting have pretty tragic side effects. I really don’t blame people when they go off their meds.. It seems to me that they'd prefer going insane over having side effects like the dreaded Lamictal rash from the pills they're taking. I've been tempted to throw the little fuckers down the toilet too!

But because of the hundreds of thousands of banner-waving depressives, boasting about their “meds” and wearing t-shirts listing their mental problems, people get nervous about it and put it on their politically correct list of "Things You Must Never Talk About". They raise their eyebrows. "Taking medication & mentioning it means you’re proud" they say. You’re showing off. You’re oh-so-fucked up.

Well, I've got news... I have a label for YOU too: "IGNORANT" How DARE they put a label on me?? I'm not a fucking dress on a rack at Macy's... I'M HUMAN!!! (I just live in technicolor while they have to settle for a black & white world)