If You've Seen Her In Her Period Panties, She Can't Stand You...

After realizing that what's-his-face made a HUGE fortune after writing the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” (where the author crushes womens’ dreams by telling them their fuck buddies will never marry them), I have decided to capitalize and write a little notice for all you confused and hurt men. The following are the signs that you should look for in your relationships to find out if she really can't fucking stand you. So don’t spend another night crying yourself to sleep, fellas. Stop whining your buddy’s ear off over dollar drafts at the local watering hole about what she’s thinking and whether or not she truly loves you. Just fucking stop. You look like a pussy.

Pay attention - I'm not gonna tell you any of this again... She’s doesn't like your stupid ass if:

1.) Another guy’s dick is in her mouth.

It may seem cruel and blunt, but the truth is, if we women are just not that into you, chances are we will feel it’s perfectly okay to give another man, or multiple men (including your best friend) a blowie. Don’t be offended; your dick is fine. It’s just... we think it would be better if we saw other genitals.

2.) She’s kicking you in the nuts.

This is more of a sign she’s not that into you when you’re in that initial pursuit phase. If you try to come near her in a bar and she kicks you in the nuts, she’s just not that into you. Other signs include drinks thrown in your face, beer bottles smashed on your forehead, and any sort of contact made with a tazer.

3.) You have a handsome, talented, rich and hung roommate.

Sorry man, you’ll never be him. If she always wants to have “movie night” at your place and makes you watch your DVDs in the living room while constantly watching the front door and adjusting her shirt to show more cleavage, you might want to rethink her feelings for you. What can you do? Your roommate is the hottest guy in the neighborhood, that’s not your fault... you should just probably move out. When she sleeps over at night, be sure to lock her in your room. That may buy you some time. 

4.) She’s put a restraining order out on you.

I know, this one is tough. She may be doing it just to get attention. If she’s actually taking the time to put a restraining order out on you, there might still be a chance. She could be playing hard to get. With this one, it may be a good idea to swing by her house a couple times a night, just to see for yourself if she’s with someone else. Maybe even go to the door and ring the bell then run away. Perhaps leave a small trinket, like her dead dog, on the front porch. But don’t give up hope. Ever.

5.) She starts letting you see her in her “period panties”.
If you’ve seen them, and you know which ones I’m talking about, then consider it an omen of death. Because if she’s gone so low as to let you see her in those off-white but used to be white, stained, up to the belly button Hanes, then she either doesn’t think much of you, or she’s saving Victoria’s Secret for someone else. Like your roommate. 

6.) If she makes the "Peeee-Yewww" face when she's blowing you.

The P.U. face, which can consist of anything from waving her hand in front of her nose or scrunching up her face like she just sucked on your dick but it was coated in lemon juice, is a clear sign that she’s just not that into blowing you. She may love you dearly, but do you really want to be with a chick who won’t blow you? Ask your well-hung and successful roommate if she makes the same peeee-yewww face while blowing him before you completely dismiss her.

7.) If you paid money for her.

Guys, hookers will never love you like you want them to. Let them go. I know, she said you were her first, you were the best, you’re a stallion; but was that before or after the money changed hands? The same rule applies if your true love is made of plastic and filled with air (insert Pam Anderson joke here).

8.) If she’s giving the other guy in your threesome head.

It’s a well known fact that in your average threesome, the man that the girl blows first, or most often, is the man she’s truly interested in having a loving relationship with. So you may be doing her doggie-style, but you can’t see the sexy blow-job eyes she’s giving your friend. So smack that ass and enjoy the fleeting time you have together because she’s just not that into you.

9.) You’re clothes shopping, doing makeovers, gabbing in bed all night and spooning and/or watching “The Princess Bride”.

She’s just not that into you because you’re gay. Congratulations gentlemen, you still have a chance. Use that to your advantage. Women feel safe with gay men, and are flattered when found attractive by them. Confess your love as if it pains you to admit it. She'll have a sense of satisfaction from converting you with her irresistable beauty and you'll be satisfied by all the butt sex you'll be having.

10.) She’s Kim Shannon.

I’ll just tell you right now... I don’t like you. Sorry. Ummm... your talented, rich and well-hung roommate’s bedroom is the one at the far end of the hall, right?

Sugar and Spice and Everything Your Mother Has Nightmares About...

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Last time, we took a look at the scary dating prospects facing single women. Lest we forget, dating is a two-way street. Guys are faced with a similiarly dysfunctional crop of potential partners, some of whom are no more than tit-laden cock holsters and others that could induce impotence with a mere glance. Let's meet the ladies...

Heather
Age 36, Elementary School Teacher

You are bound to meet at least one teacher in the dating arena; they are beginning to outnumber illegal immigrants. It may be tempting to play out your dirty fantasy involving a hot teacher you had in high school, but resist the urge. This girl is probably willing to take it up the tailpipe and she’ll pretend to like everything you enjoy, like football or imported beer. But she’s just trying to lull you into submission. She’ll wear down your guard with crotchless panties and chocolate-flavored Anal-Ease, but once you’ve seen her naked, the casual dating phase is over. Her biological clock is pounding, she’s going Corky-Thatcher about turning 40 soon, and she’ll try to condense a three-year relationship into six months. After your third date, you’ve got tampons in your bathroom and holes in your condoms. Everything revolves around kids and her fairytale wedding. There’s no changing her mind, so don’t even bother. She won’t rest until there are five little snot-factories crying non-stop and shitting themselves like they breathe Ex-Lax. And you’ll be paying for them. You think she can afford to support her litter of brats on a teacher’s salary? Unless you’ve had a vasectomy or are an illegal immigrant in need of a green card, don’t risk a date with this one.

Jenn (yes, with two n’s)
Age 28, Hairdresser/Esthetician/Part-Time Student
One look at this girl and you’d be embarrassed to stand up in front of your grandmother. She’s drop-dead gorgeous, on the cutting edge of semi-slutty fashion, and—since it’s her job—is probably as well-groomed pubicly speaking, as the green at Pebble Beach. Nevermind the fact that she’s on her fourth community college in three years (pursuing her teaching degree, ironically) or that she can quote lines from Legally Blonde. Nope, you overlook all the obvious warning signs as Sergeant Schlong orders his 3rd Sperm Battalion to march north and occupy your brain, forcing Commander Commonsense to surrender.

It’s not until you’re spending your weekends watching marathons of "Gossip Girls" in her studio apartment with her Golden Retriever, Puddles, that you realize you’re dating a completely vapid and totally useless collection of molecules, held together by low-rise jeans, hair dye, and 7 coats of mascara. By then, it’s too late. You’re doomed to spend your days discussing how she had to de-fur a fat Greek woman at work, or which sunless tanning product gives her the “most natural” orange hue. Enjoy that, Chief. Your best bet is to learn how to ejaculate from forehead stimulation, become one of her clients, and wear two pairs of boxers when you go for a haircut. You may think this is tantamount to prostitution, but you’re wrong. Hookers charge extra for a shampooing.

Kelly
Age 23, Administrative Assistant

This recent graduate sports an impressive resume and a spectacular rack. Her librarian-like glasses are the stuff of fantasy and your dirty mind runs wild at the thought of banging her in her office’s conference room. You love the fact that she enjoys drinking as much as you do and still has that college frat-party mentality. She has a hot roommate and you’re pretty sure that they’ve shared intimate moments of sweet love during their frequent blackout-level binge drinking. You have wild sex at least twice a day and she usually passes out without any post-sex small talk. Everything seems fantastic. You’re happier than a pedophile at Chucky Cheese. However, when you discover her MySpace profile and see that she has 1893 friends (and by “friends”, I mean shirtless guys flexing) who leave comments like, “Hey hun, luv the new pix. When u gonna come up again? That night wuz awesome” you realize the ugly truth. Your girlfriend is a complete whore. She’s had more semen on her than a fleet of aircraft carriers. In college, she was voted “Most Likely to be Gang-Banged Publicly”—an award that she still has in sorority scrapbook. Continue to date her and you’ll inevitably find out that the star of your little brother's favorite amateur porn video,  "XXX_Sexy_hot_webcam_amateur_college_drunk_teen_sorority_slut_bangs_guy_in_bathroom.mpeg” is actually her. And she's the one who gave your brother his copy.




Meghan
Age 27, Marketing Associate

At first, she’s the Mercedes-Benz of single women. Sophisticated and sexy, she has class dripping out her ass. You’re actually a little intimidated by how focused and organized she seems to be. It’s probably that intimidation that makes her so attractive that you become immediately infatuated, even overlooking her full cheeks and thighs—a definite sign that she may pork up once she becomes “comfortable” in a relationship. Against your better judgment—and aside from your friends’ photoshopped images of her head on Ricki Lake’s body—you actively pursue a full-blown relationship. You poor, stupid fuck. Unlike Jay-Z, you now have 99 problems and the bitch IS one.

I feel bad for you, Son. You forgot to ask the one question every girl asks a potential mate, but every guy seems to overlook: you never asked about her last relationship. If you had, you would have discovered that her fiancé just broke off the engagement and moved to Hotlanta to pursue his dream of starting a record label. Under her cool and composed exterior, this caterpillar will emerge from her cocoon as a shark with a gun for a mouth. She’s so mad at men that she can’t even look at her father, but she has to prove to herself that she’s still the stuff of wet dreams. She won’t be ready for a relationship for at least a year, and you’re way too early on the rebound to reap any of the “re-discovering promiscuous sex phase” benefits. Too bad her little excursion into ego restoration comes at the expense of your pride.

I hope you can write off all those expensive dinners as “business expenses.”

A Few Bad Men...

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Eatabagadix, Match.com...

Screw Match.com...  I'll say it again - if I wanted to dig through 96 emails from douchebags to find 1 or 2 messages from a halfway decent guy, I'd check my own inbox and save myself 24 bucks a month.

I have a new method of finding my knight in shining disco pants. PERSONALS ADS! Yup... back to basics, kids.  I was thinking of posting something along the lines of...


SBLOTCHYF seeking whatever, really. Must meet or exceed the following minimum expectations:

Looking for jerks in that kind of deliberately-cool sense. Bonus if you have a pompadour or skater cut you can flip while being one. Cripples are encouraged (emotional okay, physical preferred) and interesting scarring patterns are a definite bonus. Librarians are also encouraged to reply, but just if the only time I hear about said librarianship is when the words are coming out of my mouth as I am introducing you to my super-cool friends at a party. Then you will be subjected to me going “HOT, right? RAWWRR,” and winking. A combination of crippled jerk librarian is ideal, but not totally necessary.

No tramp stamps... I've got that covered.

Pole or hole or both at once, and that’s me being neither politically correct OR perverted. I am serious AND I have a signed piece of paper from three (3) sexually-ambiguous people backing this up.

You must be excited by the idea of owning a gold Jetski without immediately needing to say something stupid like, “But you realize a gold Jetski would immediately sink, right?”

Other preferences include: minimal eye contact, a hatred of furries, appreciation of and frequent use of Rule 34, telling me I don’t look a day over 48, the ability to lick the back of your knee, a GED and a McMansion (these last two items must be both or nothing).

MUST have the musical taste of a fifty-year-old gay man without actually being one, because I don’t think that will work out very well, do you? Must know what ODB stands for and the ability to dance unironically to DJ Assault.

Ownership of a Mini Cooper without a twee vanity plate (I see what you did there, BlkNTan).

Must be able to lift 82 pounds.
Must be able to stealth vomit.
Must know how to braid.

Must not mind when I enter a fugue state and shout “NO FACE!” while we are fucking.

Accents and all your own teeth a plus. If you do not have all your own teeth, then let me see your grill. Nerds, accents (convincingly fake OK) from UK are a plus.

NO CANADIANS.

I totally know this is going to work. Have a nice day.

P.S. If you think you are a qualified candidate, clarifying questions will be tolerated via comments.

Snagging Mr. McDreamyballs

Listen up kiddies; the following is geared toward the ladies, but it applies to men too, so don't be discouraged guys! You can snag your very own dream girl using the same exact strategy. Read on.......

I like LOVE guys. I love their clothes, their company, their scents and their (wink) appendages. Being that I spend around one third of my life in poker rooms, most of my friends are men. I think they like hanging out with because even though I love the color pink, freak out at the sight of a spider and most of my shoes are 6" stillettos, I'm not the "delicate flower" type AT ALL. I play poker, use the word "cunt" freely and would prefer Red Sox tickets over flowers any day. I can also stuff some ones in a thong with the best of 'em. Yup... I'm a cool chick.

Because they can be themselves around me, guys enjoy my company and let me in on their secret world. Like many women with mostly male friends, however, I do not have a boyfriend. For some reason my complete and flawless understanding of the male mind does not make me more attractive to them. What DOES make me more attractive to the boys is the fact that I am nuts. Yup. Mad as a hatter, that's me. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Men love crazy women! They can't get enough of us! Not crazy as in kooky, quirky, shoot from the hip crazy... but crazy as in foaming at the mouth, pig-fucking, straightjacket wearing, "They're coming to take me away hee hee, they're coming to take me away ha ha.." crazy. Until yesterday I thought it was a coincidence that all of my friends have dated psychos. But then my friend TJ mentioned he would 'beat it' in reference to this schizophrenic chick we know. Or did he say 'smash it'...?  Oh well, doesn't matter. Point is; it dawned on me in that moment that there was a pattern here. I pried a little bit and, yep, it's true: rumor in the men's department is that crazy chicks are the absolute best in bed, and therefore, Grade A Prime Man Magnets.
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So, you're probably asking yourself, "How do I get my hands on a ticket for a cruise on the 'SS Crazy Chick'? I could use a little BAH CHICKA WAH WAH!". Well, relax ladies, I've got you covered. Using, ummm, absolutely no personal experience at all, a lot of poker table man-gossip and my best friend's diary (sorry Dana), here's a guide to scoring Mr. McDreamyballs and eventually turning him into a straight up broken mess who will never question 'Why?', but simply accept and worship you for the lunatic you are. Okay, nutbags-to-be, let's begin! Welcome to Crazy Chick 101...

The First Two Dates: Play it cool. Do the flirty, manipulative things normal girls do like ask prying questions about his past relationships and take food off his plate without asking (doing it with your hands is a bonus). Make sure not to give away any details about where you work, who your friends are, or what you like to do. Men love overbearing yet vague women.

Third Date: This is traditionally the 'sex' date, but you should pretend like he's not going to get any at all. Only let him kiss you on the cheek and keep three feet away from him at all times. Wait until he's turning around to go home then call him back, take him upstairs and pull out all stops. Make sure it's some nasty, wild, ass-slapping, hair-pulling, household pet-utilizing super sex. You have a reputation to uphold.

HOT TIP: A nice variation on this is giving a killer blowjob on the second date then refusing to sleep with him for six months, saying that you need to 'get to know him better.' **Improper boundary issues = man catnip. ROWWRRR!


Fourth Date: He's hooked. It's time to start singing, and a lot. It doesn't matter what kind of voice you have, just make sure to be enthusiastic. Preface this by asking him coyly what he thought of you on your first date. After he answers that, he'll ask you what you thought of him. This is your cue to fall backwards so he'll have to catch you, throw open your arms and let out a loud, major chord, "WELL---" Launch into a snappy, Broadway-esque song and dance number that gives a step by step description of your relationship so far. Make sure to rhyme 'carving knife' with 'loving wife' at some point. Sing often. In the car, at the bar, in bed. Sing an epic poem about the adventures of your cats. Sing angry grrrl power songs about that time he forgot to call you. Sing sad songs about the summer you were bulimic. Sing! If for some reason he puts on music, just hum or whistle a different song over it. (Think Twinkle Twinkle Little Star over Black Dog by Led Zeppelin.)


Fifth Date: Find a new hobby or belief system. Go extreme: kelp farming, furry sex, veganism, Scientology . Insist that he join you. Try to get his friends involved. Create and photocopy your own brochures to bring to his poker games. Find his mom's address and mail her some copies. Don't be shy!
                                                                                                      
Seventh Date: This is the perfect date to have a Reconciliation Party. Issue paper invitations to his friends and family with a full text description of what he did wrong and what habits he changed to get you back. Decorate excessively. Go to a party store and have them do that thing where they put photos of your faces on balloons. Do not invite anyone that you've known for more than 72 hours. Invite strangers and casual acquaintances and treat them like soulmates.   
You: "This is Pablo. We met in the subway station yesterday and he told me the most moving story about a lost pickle. Next week I'm going to Guatemala to meet his family."
Pablo: "Que dice, loca?"

Eighth Date: You two are well on your way to a long relationship full of bliss and spontaneity. Get any major body modifications you want done now, so he has time to get used to them. Gang tattoos, clit piercings and pinky amputations are good ways to keep things interesting. Consider using lit cigarettes to etch a floral pattern onto your back. Be creative!

If you're worried about slipping up and falling out of character, don't be!  Craziness is like riding a bike. After a while, being unbalanced will seem natural to you. You'll be sleeping with his nephew, eating cat litter and taking his last name in no time. If he dumps you, use your state of sanity as an excuse to mail him envelopes stuffed with the flayed hides of small animals. He'll be crawling back soon! Literally. Because when his buddies catch wind of what you've been up to, they're gonna kick his ass for being such an easy target. Then you can introduce him to your wood chipper.  Bye bye, Mr. McDreamyballs, hello Mr. McChippynuts!

Okay ladies, you ready? Let's go score us a man minion!