Temptation - (Monica)

I am a 36 yr old mother, wife, teacher with bipolar type I disorder with rapid cycling.

The following is a diary entry posted on Thanksgiving. It is amazing how I can literally SEE the workings of my mind in my writing. The following day after the posting my thoughts were better, even regretful for all the negativity I wrote and the exaggeratedness of the entry. But that is how I think from one day to the next. My moods can change in HOURS and that' s why I document it in my diary. It is amazing to see the workings of my bipolar mind at work.


DIARY ENTRY:

Today was a holiday. supposed to be family...sharing..etc. I made my turkey...homemade gravy....potatoes....all the fixings. Delicious.
We had an unexpected visitor come by who stayed all daylong. I didnt really like him because he was one of my hubby's old druggie friends. But I said, what the heck...i cant be selfish on Thanksgiving. He ate, stayed...and stayed. Little did I know I had let "the devil walk in to prey on the weak" so to speak.


I am a recovering cocaine user..never a lot..just an occasional user. I cant be around people who have it. I just cant. I've been trying so hard and have gotten very disappointed in myself for even taking the drug to begin with. I never knew what it was about coke...I just liked it. I wonder if there is a sincere connection with BP and cocaine cravings or usage. Not just because of the self-medication, but because of chemical driven reasons.


I had never done a damn drug till i was 33. I wish i never had at all.



This friend later offered some coke to ease the turkey "fullness". I refused. My hubby did some like nothing. It kinda bothered me...but I said nothing. After about 3 hrs later, he offered again, and I took some. Man, all the rush came back. The high..but also the depression. The hate....self-loathing and guilt.


How could I stoop so low, especially at such a delicate time in my life? I dont want pity or comfort...but i am a horrible mother and person for this. I know better. I would like to know of anyone else suffering from BP who has had this problem to write me please.


I cant stand myself anymore. I really can't. Why am I so weak? pathetic. I hope I do not lose the respect from my friends as I write this as I am writing it because I KNOW other BP's must encounter this dilemma but are too ashamed to bring it up.


Needless to say, I stopped a while later, and the damn fucking "friend" left at fucking 2 in the morning. I dont mean to sound harsh...but I hate these old loser friends that show up every so often. Usually they don't get past the door. I can spot them right away and shut the fucking door on them because after all....i'm the crazy bipolar bitch. I literally slam the fucking door on them. I don't give a shit. They are shit in my eyes. No good for anything. No ambition. No job. Just good for causing problems.


My hubby had a major drug problem in the past and had been good since marrying me.


Yes, I did marry the bartender , got pregnant, did drugs, had unprotected sex, spend like hell, got a BMW because "I deserved it"; told anyone off that disagreed with my views;but I did manage to finish graduate school with honors ironically---in the most severe manic episode in my life. But my hubby and I can't have temptation. I have to "guard" my household from these "friends" who show up out of the blue. My hubby isn't strong enough to do it, so was I..until today.


I have stooped so low its just overhwelming. So besides all the issues with my son who was just diagnosed with high functioning autism this past week....my issues with my sex addicted husband...being the sole provider of the family....I also have to protect and isolate my husband (and myself) from persons carrying temptation with them. This is too fucking draining.


I actually thought about suicide today. I don't mention this to be a whiner. I actually hate people who think like I am right now and also say they want to end it. But i am on that wavelength at the moment and now I know how those people feel wanting to end their lives. I know I won't do it....but the thought to be free from emotional pain was just alluring. But I just think of my kids and I fall apart crying. The torture. I always am the strong one. i just can't get a grip right now.


As I write this crying like a weakling, I have to keep thinking "God doesn't give you more than you can handle....God doesn't give you more than you can handle." There has to be a reason for all of this.

- Submitted by Monica