Screw  I'll say it again - if I wanted to dig through 96 emails from douchebags to find 1 or 2 messages from a halfway decent guy, I'd check my own inbox and save myself 24 bucks a month.

I have a new method of finding my knight in shining disco pants. PERSONALS ADS! Yup... back to basics, kids.  I was thinking of posting something along the lines of...

SBLOTCHYF seeking whatever, really. Must meet or exceed the following minimum expectations:

Looking for jerks in that kind of deliberately-cool sense. Bonus if you have a pompadour or skater cut you can flip while being one. Cripples are encouraged (emotional okay, physical preferred) and interesting scarring patterns are a definite bonus. Librarians are also encouraged to reply, but just if the only time I hear about said librarianship is when the words are coming out of my mouth as I am introducing you to my super-cool friends at a party. Then you will be subjected to me going “HOT, right? RAWWRR,” and winking. A combination of crippled jerk librarian is ideal, but not totally necessary.

No tramp stamps... I've got that covered.

Pole or hole or both at once, and that’s me being neither politically correct OR perverted. I am serious AND I have a signed piece of paper from three (3) sexually-ambiguous people backing this up.

You must be excited by the idea of owning a gold Jetski without immediately needing to say something stupid like, “But you realize a gold Jetski would immediately sink, right?”

Other preferences include: minimal eye contact, a hatred of furries, appreciation of and frequent use of Rule 34, telling me I don’t look a day over 48, the ability to lick the back of your knee, a GED and a McMansion (these last two items must be both or nothing).

MUST have the musical taste of a fifty-year-old gay man without actually being one, because I don’t think that will work out very well, do you? Must know what ODB stands for and the ability to dance unironically to DJ Assault.

Ownership of a Mini Cooper without a twee vanity plate (I see what you did there, BlkNTan).

Must be able to lift 82 pounds.
Must be able to stealth vomit.
Must know how to braid.

Must not mind when I enter a fugue state and shout “NO FACE!” while we are fucking.

Accents and all your own teeth a plus. If you do not have all your own teeth, then let me see your grill. Nerds, accents (convincingly fake OK) from UK are a plus.


I totally know this is going to work. Have a nice day.

P.S. If you think you are a qualified candidate, clarifying questions will be tolerated via comments.


Anonymous said…
Hahaha. With an ad like that you'll find mr right in no time flat! Good luck to you Kim, lol. ;)
goddess22111967 said…
Um, different site, but trying to find a man nonetheless. Dear god what rock do most of these men crawl out from under. I went out for a coffee recently and the arsehole had his hand on my tits under my bra before I could pick up my flat white???? I disengaged hands and lets just say than god i'm 6 foot tall and able to fight back. Dickheads. Where are the good ones?
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Unknown said…
This is hillariously funny, and ironicaly true!
Ailurophile said…
I think this is going to work just great!!! All the best with the search ;)

Have a great week!
Anonymous said…
with a attitudes like that, you will remain single and unhappy.

and WTF do you think that a Canadian would want with your cottage-cheesey ass?
Impulsive said…
Anonymous -

#1 - You're assuming I'm unhappy... incorrect assumption, my friend.

#2 - Cottage cheese is good for you.

nom nom nom
mark seif said…
This woman is smoking hot by virtue of her wit, amazingly easy to read and spot-on writing style, and most of all, her ability to connect, on so many levels, including a visceral quasi-intuitive one, with so many.

I can read her blog for hours.

I'm married with kids, much older and obviously unavailable, but if I weren't, I would want to meet her. Can't believe those that hate. Are you kidding me?
TexasBobbi said…
This cracked me up.
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Max said…
I would seriously be your dream. I did perhaps get a bit too turned on by fantasizing about you yelling "No Face" while engaged in that activity you had mentioned. Seriously. I'm your man, look no further.
Shit that last comment was from me, not Max. I have two different accounts. Don't get it twisted.
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