Daily Douchebag Double Feature
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Hi Kids! I've got a mixed bag today, and lots of shit to cover, so let's skip the gristle and get straight to the bone, shall we??

I'd like to announce the Douchebag Of The Day. Actually, make that a plural... "douchebagS".  I've got one for Halloween AND today.  So without futher adieu, here they are folks - all the way from a vaginal cleansing product factory somewhere in New Jersey or Michigan, your Daily Bags Of Douche:

Massengill Man # 1 - The creep who reached under my costume and grabbed my cat Halloween night.

Your name is unimportant, as is your entire existence, actually. Since I don't remember it, I have dubbed you "Mr. Rapey McViolater",  but ohhhhhhh;  you can bet your genetically inferior ass that I will never forget your fleshy, pink, and swollen face. I won't forget the sneer it wore when you attempted your charming little barside pelvic exam, but more than that, I'll always remember the way it scrunched up, all mongoose-like and pouty when you realized you were barking up the wrong tree. I think that moment must have come right after I said, "Listen, bitch. If you ever make the foolish decision to try and touch me again, EVER, I will shatter your fucking jaw. Are we clear, motherfucker? I'm not the one. Now GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."  And you did, without a fight, which surprised me. Because I was preoccupied*, I put you in the back of my head, and even though I saw you at a couple of different places that night, I wasn't bothered by you in the least. The night went on without incident, and I managed to salvage my mood and enjoy Halloween.

At least for a couple of hours. BUT once a low-rent swine, always a low-rent swine, and true to your porcine nature, you went and shoved a forearm up my friend's skirt too.... I caught it out of the corner of my eye, and for a split second, I thought you were about to pull some kind of figure skating lift and twirl move out of your bag o' tricks, but sadly, you were simply fisting my friends box. You ARE quite the charmer, you.  Because my friend didn't blow her rape whistle or donkey punch you, I snapped a pic for posterity and kept my mouth shut.

(yes, I DID say "snapped a pic"... saving that tasty treat for later in the post)

Alas, the mouth can never stay shut for long, thanks to bottom-feeding cretins like you... When I realized it was YOUR headlights in my rearview mirror on the drive home from the last party, I knew it was time to sound off. And when I pulled into the parking lot where my friend's car was parked & you pulled in behind me, I knew it was time to mentally rehearse all those self-defense for women moves I've learned over the years. You fucking scared me, and I don't scare easily.  Hey - you gotta give me credit, I was straightforward & honest with you, remember? I told you "Listen, parasite... If my friend wants to talk to you tomorrow when she's sober, that's HER stupid decision - but right now, she's smashed, which means she's MY responsibility. I'm telling you LOUD AND CLEAR there's NO FUCKING WAY you're getting near her, so please exit... stage left even."  But you stood your ground and refused. I asked you again, this time getting out of my car to confront you. Any self-respecting douchebag would have been ultimately embarrassed by now & would have left. Not YOU, Mr. Duct Tape In The Trunk... Nooooooooo. I had to have one of my male friends physically threaten you to get rid of your lecherous ass. (BTW - you're "Pussy of the day" too.... ran like a little girl THEN, didn't ya?) I was so relieved to see you pull out of the lot that I almost peed.

And then I almost shit. You know when? OF COURSE YOU DO, you creepy fucking insect... I almost shit when we pulled around the back of the building to drop my friend off at his car. You know why? Again, OF COURSE YOU DO, you slimy predator... I almost shit because there you were, in the back lot, car running & headlights off, just WAITING for the 2 women to drop off their male friend. We KNOW what happened at THAT point... no need to rehash the ugly details. Bet you never plan another rape again, though, will ya? Freak.

For your ruthless stalking, undeterred violations of personal space and total lack of morals or social skills, you are THIS YEARS NUMBER ONE DOUCHEBAG. Your parents must be awfully proud. Oh - I almost forgot... I promised to show you what you look like when you're in "hunt" mode. So here's the lovely visual:




If this were me, I'd have kicked your teeth in... consider yourself lucky that my friend (the molestation victim above) didn't take your eyes out...

Oh - and as an added bonus, I have taken the liberty of tacking this to every telephone pole within a 5 mile radius AND in every ladies room I happen to visit. You're welcome.

Nobody, not even someone as altruistic and charitable as I am, relishes unsolicited drunken groping, especially yours. And you actually thought I'd be okay with this, or even ENJOY it? Ugh! What a self-righteous dickshaft.



Douchebag #2 -

You are a human stain... and since I don't remember your name either, I will refer to you you as THE STAIN.

You are the pathetic cunt who said this to me on Full Tilt Poker Monday night:
"I hope you get AIDS and cancer bitch."

Let me try and remember why you said that..... oh yeah - I REMEMBER NOW: I beat you out of a petty 450 dollar pot. Maybe you have some sand in your vagina, but buddy, it was A FIVE DOLLAR FUCKING BUY IN. What went wrong in your life that night?? Did you lose your favorite pink dress???

Cancer is not something to be thrown around so lightly - ask anyone who's had a mastectomy recently.

You need to take a long hard look in the mirror... a mirror doesn't lie. And lucky for you, it can't laugh either.

13 comments for this post

Anonymous

That was fucking awesome! That 'cop a feel' guy should be castrated! What balls on that dude. Probably can't score any other way, so he resorts to groping women. I'm just kinda surprised you let him leave your presence with his balls still attached!

Posted on Thursday, November 12, 2009  
Mary aka "PixieMaker"

Wow! I gotta start going out with ya! I need to kick some douchebag ass and that jerk could of used a kick in the balls if he had any. Obviously he doesn't cause a real man wouldn't treat a woman that way. Loser with a capital L!! U go girlfriend!!! LMAO!!

Posted on Thursday, November 12, 2009  

Hi Kim,

OMG, I find this so disturbing on so many levels. I think you let that fuck off way to easy. Seriously he should have his ass planted tightly in a jail cell where some bitch could give him a taste of his own pathetic medicine.

The image is haunting. I can't go into why this is triggering all kinds of insanity for me, but I swear to hell I wish you had snapped his freaking shitstick off.

Excellent writing, nice recall of details, It was a difficult read, but necessary.

Boo :O

Posted on Friday, November 13, 2009  

I'm with Boo - how disturbing :-/ Groping someone and being told to fuck off and not doing so is bad enough - but for that cunt to turn up waiting for you and your friend to be alone...Jesus Christ. What a sick weirdo fuck.

As for the poker twat, I've had very some nasty rants at the online table (I mean, what the fuck? It's poker you dumb cunts, sometimes you're gonna get BEATEN!), but that takes the biscuit. What a knobjockey.

On the plus side, however, I absolutely loved your way of dealing with these freaks. A fabulously eloquent rant against both, and great to know Mr Rape's face is all over your neighbourhood :D

All the best Kim - love your blog as ever :-)

Posted on Saturday, November 14, 2009  
Justin

Oh, how I love to read what you have to say! As usual, you have left me with jaw hanging open. (in a good way)

Posted on Saturday, November 14, 2009  
Cassie

Kim, you are the funniest woman I've ever had the pleasure of kind of (but not really) meeting.

Keep it up, girl; you make my day worth being awake for.

Posted on Saturday, November 14, 2009  
Anonymous

omg I loved it you captured his douchbagness perfectly!! thanks hun!!

Posted on Saturday, November 14, 2009  
Anonymous

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Posted on Sunday, November 15, 2009  

I have a comb. A very special comb.
It serves many purposes other than combing. One end of the comb has dual features: It can be used as a hair-comb-pick-parter-etcetera or an ICEPICK. I carry it with me everywhere. That waste of space testosterone maggot=stabbed in the eyes with my handy multi-purpose comb (in ICEPICK mode). A tragedy it would be for this ignoramous not to be able to sit at his computer all day doing we know what as he stares like a DOUCHE at hot triple X fantasy breast implant shaved vaginas and then, later, a nice night of drooling over the "hot chicks" he will never have and subjecting them to his unsanitary violations. I am not sorry to say that I have no patience or sympathy for such septic creatures. I'm not wearing a shirt I made that syas "You'll be Sorry" for nothing. Ah-men. AMEN. Oh and Kim, remember to say 10 "Our Father's" because I know you bit into that fruit and committed the "original sin." As we well know, God, the FATHER they say, is nothing but the man behind the curtain and the bible was written by men. Eve is proof all women are evil and temptresses to boot. Yes, it is a woman's fault a man cannot control himself. Hmm. Men are, for the most part (sorry guys, but generally...um...judging from my own experiences in addition to the experiences of most every female I have ever met), weaklings governed by testosterone...RETARDED...always putting their swine hands where they shouldn't because they basically never learn being RETARDED and all...and most never grow past the mentality of a three year old. I'm done now. Thank you.

Posted on Monday, November 16, 2009  

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