Resolutions Are Fucking Stupid

The New Year's resolution is an annual rite of passage whereby boisterous hopes for personal growth spout eternal. Tis' the season - for delusions of grandeur & shattered dreams... these promises to ourselves are also the ones we quietly fail miserably to keep. Why? Because once the buzz from the bubbly wears off, we quickly come to the conclusion that resolutions are fucking stupid.

If you want to avoid crippling disappointment by January 7th when your resolutions are destined to fall by the wayside, my advice to you is that you steer clear of these mighty popular yet particularly hard to keep resolutions:


1. I Resolve To Stop Cheating On My Significant Other

But ya gots ta fuck, right? I hate to break it to you (p.s. no I don't), but it'll never happen. If you're a cheater, you're a cheater. And if you're one of those people who rationalizes your disgusting behavior by saying that when you get married, the cheating stops, please proceed to that jumbled junk drawer I know you have in your kitchen, find the tack hammer and rap the shit out of your knuckles immediately. Three times. Like Sister Mary Catherine used to do to my paws in grammar school. That evil, sex-starved bitch.

2.  I Resolve To Stop Beating My Wife

The question here is whether or not she deserves the beatings. Nothing gets a household in efficient working order faster than a couple crisp backhands. Personally, I've never been a fan of it, but if the bitch insists on continually falling out of line, then by all means, give that cunt something to think about. Brass knuckle her ass back to submissiveness.

3. I Resolve To Take Down the Christmas Tree

I know, I know, I think this one's ridiculous too. I can't believe how frequently people mentioned this as one of their resolutions. Astonishment aside, if you need a resolution to take down the Christmas tree, you are one gi-normous lazy retaahd. Get up from that shitty Rent-a-Center couch, do your best fruit roll-up impersonation and peel off those crusty old sweatpants you first wet-dreamed into, spit out the wad of holiday caramels causing drool to trickle down your stubbly Travolta ass-chin and coax your wife from her perilous perch atop the teetering stepladder. Before she fucking falls and kills herself taking that stupid star off the dying evergreen's tippy top. Jeeeee-sus.

4. I Resolve To Start Doing Charity Work

This resolution is the classic guilt panic play. Guilty for what, you ask? Ya got me, but I'm sure you know why. Wink wink. The bottom line is this: charity isn't the answer you're looking for. Sure, you may save some inner city kid from turning to drugs or gang warfare. And sure, you may help build a home that houses a family who was about to get thrown out onto the streets. But does it really make you feel that good? You'll be bored with it after a week. Trust me. Just donate a couple bucks online, it's the same difference.

5. I Resolve To Lose Weight

Ah yes, the mother of all New Year's resolutions. For this one, I've got a little story for ya:

I went to the gym once. And what to my wondering eyes did appear, but three gigantor ex-NFL players patrolling the velvet rope barricade controlling the flood of new members into the club. "Fucking New Year's resolutions," I muttered to myself in disgust and reluctantly fell in line, much like the lemmings we all are. I finally managed to bribe my way inside and found yet another line awaiting me. This one nine chubbos deep, all waiting for the elliptical machine. I repeat: the ELLIPTICAL machine.

(Twenty-Second Timeout: I never use this silly concoction. Ever. For a couple reasons actually, the most important one being the crippling phobia of appearing remotely similar to Tony Little at any point in my life. I'm quite certain you know Monsieur Little from those 3am infomercials spastically pimping his infamously terrible Gazelle machine.)

I bravely placed my fears aside and got in that line too. Why? Because I figured there must be a catch if people were actually lining up to ride the elliptical. And I was secretly hoping said catch was that this version 2.0 of the original elliptical massages your genitals while working out. Or something like that. Turns out it didn't. So after waiting two hours in line watching ass cheeks frantically trying to escape from the lycra they were crammed into, I ended up looking like Tony Little after all. Ahh fuck.

Point being, you chocolate sauce guzzlers show up on January 3rd, sweat to the oldies until February 3rd - MAX - and then mail it in for the remaining eleven months, retreating back to the comfort of your internet chat rooms and econo-sized buckets of Bon Bons. Your half-hearted attempts at "fitness" make the gym experience, which is despicable on so many levels to begin with, beyond palpable.

6. I Resolve To Stop Being Gay

Come on toots, you can't stop being gay. It's not a lifestyle choice, you were born that way. Quit the pitiful self-loathing bit, ya big homo, and get on with your flaming self. Besides, gay is so hot right now. Just go suck a dick and get it over with already.

7. I Resolve To Stop Smoking

You're kidding, right? You don't seriously think you can quit smoking, do you? You're addicted. Suckaah. Say you're the first person in history who miraculously manages to stop smoking, completely and forever. You have no clue what's next in store, do you? If the idea of stuffing your face with "Chicorettes" every nineteen minutes and feverishly slapping Nicotrol patches all over your ass upon getting out of the splash closet in the morning sounds appealing, then hey, I wish you nothing but the best.


8. I Resolve To Stop Being So Fucking Cheap

Cheapness is a disease. I firmly believe this and will fight to the death with anyone who disagrees. For the record, there's NO correlation whatsoever to cheapness and the amount of money one person has, or makes. Fact. However, the resolution is a good start, because it means you've identified that you are indeed suffering from this horrible disease. Unfortunately, this won't do you any good in curing it. Sorry. To clarify, if you've done any of the following things, you're a cheap motherfucker:

1. Calculated the tip on a pre-tax, or even worse, pre-tax AND pre-drink basis.
2. Openly denied being cheap and instead suggested that you're "frugal." That's akin to claiming you're not racist because you have a black friend.
3. Blurted out the term "Splitsville!" to your girlfriend when the check for dinner lands on the table.
4. Disappeared into the men's room as your turn to buy a round for the boys neared.
5. Got up at 4am and headed to the malls on Black Friday for some holiday shopping. Then defended this horrifying decision by stating that "the deals are really amazing!" You fucking cheap idiot.

Wow, this topic is a piece in itself, but alas, I must move on.

9. I Resolve To Start Trimming My Reproductive Region

The act of "trimming the fairway" or "manicuring Motown," as it's affectionately been called, isn't all the shits and giggles it's rumored to be. There are serious occupational hazards involved with this endeavor. Before we move on from this particular resolution, I want to point out that I'm not completely ignorant to the fact that trimming one's place where the perverted uncle wants to touch brings with it serious improvement in appearance. Fellas, admit it, most of you could use a little assistance in the "depth perception" department. So if you're going to go there, do the deed with a pair of foolproof, Crayola kiddy scissors. And for you, ladies, leave the vaginal housekeeping to those Korean grandmothers and their hot buckets of wax. They're fucking scientists when it comes to that shit.

10. I Resolve To Stop Buying Everything on Credit

But you don't have any money, how are you going to do that? You need your toys and are you really going to stop going out? Like the instructions on a bottle of Pantene: Pay the minimum. Max it out. Repeat. Then, when that primo balance transfer offer arrives in your mailbox, transfer the fucker. I've heard this course of action hurts your credit rating, but I'm not sure why, that's just being fiscally responsible. Granted, as interest rates slowly rise and the average consumer's fixed cost burden rises along with it, we're going to have a swell of bankruptcies in this country. No worries though, Chapter 11s are destined to become chic. You can bank on this. (Pun absolutely intended.)

11. I Resolve To Cut Back on Texting/iPhoning/BlackBerrying in Bars

I knew this thumb-clicking phenomenon had reached a crescendo when I read about the injuries that have been occurring from excessive messaging volume. "Textitis," a (now) commonly diagnosed overuse injury, is sweeping the nation, leaving a trail of thumb slings and empty ibuprofen bottles in its wake.

To all those in bars and/or restaurants who have their heads buried in whatever techno device they prefer to wield: STOP. You look like a huge, fucking douchebag. It's rude and embarrassing to those whose company you share. While admittedly the greatest flirting technology since IM'ing, there is a point where it crosses the line of acceptability. If you made a resolution to cut back, then congrats, that's checkpoint 1 down the long road to recovery.


12. I Resolve To Start a Blog

"Link to me! Comment on my latest entry! How did you find my site?" Great work! You're almost there.

Congrats, your blog will officially be number 11,365,786 in existence. There are now more blogs than McDonald's cheeseburgers served. Just wait until Michael Dell figures out how to sell computers efficiently to China's agricultural population. Then you'll be able to add three zeros to the aforementioned number. And they hang fuckers for blogging over there. A bit of wisdom: no one wants to hear your rants and/or opinions, nor do we care about the excruciating daily minutiae that comprises your sad existence.

By the way, have you been to MY blog? Oh fuck off, my blog is different.

Savage Beasts...

Baby seals are heartless killers... You can see it in their stone-cold black eyes. If they could scoot their little plump bodies close enough to you, there is no doubt in my mind that they would rip your lungs out and eat them in a split second. I admit...  I don’t quite remember all of the exact circumstances around previous baby seal attacks on humans, but I’m sure there are many. If we didn’t protect ourselves from these admitted predators, there is no doubt in my mind that today’s taste for fish will surely turn into tomorrow’s desire for human flesh. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let one of those demented and vile creatures use my ear for a chew toy.

Thankfully, we have brave warriors out there on the ice fighting the battle to keep us protected. I am proud of the hard-working men who ensure our safety. They risk their own lives to maintain a civilized society void of savage attacks by cretins and creatures that have simply evolved as cold, calculating killing machines.

But, like the US military soldiers battling in Iraq, there are other hot spots full of tyranny that we need to eradicate as well. After these brave paladins control the dangerous, savage seal population, they should turn their attention and sharp axes towards other potential dangers...

Like butterflies. These devilish insects transfer pollen like a whore transfers disease. Any creature evil enough to carry spores from one entity to another needs to be controlled. We must wipe out any of these multicolored carriers of carnage at once.

And panda bears. The mask is a sure sign of evil. Like a robber in the night, these fur balls of fear hide in the mountains of China sharpening long bamboo skewers and preparing for what will undoubtedly become a savage attack on man. No one is safe... Did we not learn anything from our little tête-à-tête with the Viet Kong?

And meerkats. These burrowing little underground death machines are organized and have a complex military that includes centuries standing guard, intricate warning signals, and a plan. Hakuna Matata, my ass! We'd better smash their demonic little skulls before they team up with our domestic squirrels and all hell breaks loose. Stop them before the nuts they gather for winter are your own!

And after our fearless, club weilding heroes wipe out the seal pups, pandas, and every last smirking dolphin, we should focus on those creatures that live among us and have already infiltrated our trust and our homes.

I for one, will be watching my dog verrrrry closely...

I Couldn't Find A Baby To Shake... I think Jane Has Them Bound & Gagged In Her Basement

Jane unravels under pressure

*twitch* *twitch*........  My work here is done.

http://intentions.wordpress.com/2009/06/14/angry-bipolar-patient-posts-personal-attacks-about-my-hair/#respond

Sounds like SOMEBODY could use a Xanax! 

The Fact That You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean I Didn't Cut Your Brake Lines

I have a friend (and by "friend", I mean a person who I barely know and can hardly stand) who asked me to teach him how to play poker not too long ago. Let me make you aware of one thing... This guy is DUMB. I mean the drooling kind of dumb. The kind of dumb where you spell dumb as "D-U-M" dumb. But I agreed to take him to a poker game and show him the basics. Let me just say for the record that the only thing in my life I regret more is when I accidentally got jalapeno pepper juice on my girly parts when I was really manic. But I'll tell you THAT story another time. (By the way, if I've already told you THIS story, shut the fuck up and listen attentively anyway, you self centered bastard you.)

I'll get to the point. Some of the things that this guy said in public were things I never thought I'd hear spoken aloud. Ever. One shining example is when he said (no word of a lie) "Gum wouldn't be good if it wasn't chewy like gum." Yeah. He said that. My first thought was "Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation, and where's the nearest hardware store?".  But duhhhm guy's snippet of wisdom really got me to thinkin'...

There ARE things that I actually will never hear. Not even ONCE....


* Nah.... Bipolar's no big deal. It's actually kinda fun!
* How do I get more cockroaches INTO my house?
* Confederate flag tattoo or rainbow flag tattoo? Both?
* Yo! Crank up that goddamn oboe. That beat is the shizzy!
* Ever since she had the baby, we've been fucking like rabbits!
* Oh, cool, you have 9 cats.
* I wish that stranger with the pinky ring would come touch my hair.
* This printer ink is a bargain!
* David Schwimmer is so hot! I just wish he looked more Jewish.
* May I please stalk you?
* I caught my husband jerking off to "The View" this morning.
* Do you sell O'Douls by the keg?
* If you spit in my mouth, I'll give you twenty bucks.
* I could eat the shit outta some beets right now!
* Any of you nuns got some blow?
* I think it's sweet that his mother still does his laundry.
* Sunnis...Shiites... What's the difference? We're all the same.
* I love that store - they have the best Tic-Tacs!
* I wish the girls at this party were less hot.
* Scientists have discovered the cure for cancer...prayer.
* I don't hire whites--don't trust 'em.
* Mommy, I want socks and underwear for Christmas!
* I really wish "The Facts of Life" was still on TV.
* Sex with two girls at once?! Gross!
* I can't wait to see how I look in my bridesmaid's gown!
* Good idea! I'd love it if you could flush the radiator after you change the oil!
* Scalpel...No, the dull one.
* That Paris Hilton is so talented...and classy
* I'm going to kick that guy's ass after I finish this Mike's Hard Lemonade.
* This condom feels great!
* The Salvation Army bell ringer, now there's a sweet gig.
* That guy would be hot if he just had more dandruff.
* Oh... I'm sooo hoping my grandson is gay!
* Man, phlebotomists get all the pussy!
* Honey, please take control of the remote.
* Martin Scorsese couldn't direct his way out of a wet paper bag.
* NUKE-LEE-ER.
* You're BIPOLAR??? I'd never have guessed!
* The fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean I didn't cut your brake lines.

TilaTequila's Dating Tips

I read something today that had me spitting my coffee all over my computer monitor. This is from http://celebrityjihad.com, and is re-published with permission.

Tila Tequila might seem unattainable, but deep down she’s just a regular girl…a regular girl with a dad who fucked up real, real bad. We recently caught up with the sexy star of A Shot at Love and asked her for some frank advice about modern dating.

*Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.

*Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.

*Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.

*Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.

*If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.

*Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!

*Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.

*Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.

*Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your wee-wee before she’s ready to.

*No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.

*Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”? He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?

*Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.

*Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.

*If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.

*My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing department tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.

*Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.

Special thanks to all of the CelebJihad.com writers.

To view the article as originally published, visit: http://www.celebjihad.com/celeb-jihad/tila-tequilas-dating-tips

Unlikely Movie Sequels or Having Fun on Twitter

Hi Boys and Girls!

I have nothing compelling to say today, so I'll just keep my mouth shut...
But I AM getting rid of my "Bipolar Information" (serious mental health content and cynical sarcasm just don't mesh. I'm reminded of that Sesame Street (or was it the Electric Company?) song "One of these things just doesn't belong here; one of these things just isn't the same..."


and as I said a couple of posts ago, I'll be replacing it with the content submitted to me by other lunatics... It's good stuff. And speaking of good stuff - how many of you had the pleasure of today's
check out some of these Unlikely Sequel Titles!

Go to Twitter and search #unlikelysequels. For those of you who had a hard time cracking that code, it's http://twitter.com - then you type "unlikelysequels in the search box. And while you're there, come see me at http://twitter.com/kimshannon

Here are the Unlikely Sequels I posted - I dont want to pat my own back or toot my own horn, but pat pat and beep beep because they're GENIUS!!! If I do say so myself. And I do.  These Sequels Will Never Hit The Box Office:

**Girl Interrupted This Program To Bring You An Important Public Service Announcement

**Full Metal Smoking Jacket

**Fear and Loathing in Poughkeepsie

**Brokeback Molehill

**Sisterhood Of The Travelling Crotchless Panties

**Mi Casa Es Su Casablanca

**Superman(ic)

**Ben Hur and Thur, Wurr have YOU Ben?

**Slumdog Hobo

**Alexander the Mediocre

**Babylon A.D.H.D.

**Boxing Helena Bonham Carter

**Ressuscitate Bill

**Buena Vista Social Club downgrades to XP

**Con Airhead

**Schindler's Top Friends List

**Don't Tell Your Mamma Mia! Directed by Woody Allen

**An Officer and A Gentleman's Club

**Blade Runner Up

**Rainman Proves The Theory of Evolution

**The Suckit List

**Bill and Ted's Fair To Moderate Walk Around The Block

**50 First Date Rapes

**The Dirty Whore Suicides

**Passion Fruit Of The Christ

**A Raisin In The Sundress

**The Ten Strong Suggestions (The Ten Commandments)

**"Roots" - The story of a bleached blonde

**The Seven Year Old (The Seven Year Itch)

**9 1/2 Inches  - The Reason Why It lasted 9 1/2 Weeks

**American Rye" - Manhandling the Loaf

**American Calligraphy

**Sean Connery is James Bond in Octogenarianpussy

**What's Regurgitating Gilbert Grape

**The Forgotten 2 starring Donnie Darko, Donnie Brasco and Donny Osmond

**The Pillow Fight Club

**Animal Rights House

**American Calligraphy (American Grafitti)

**Smokey And The Crackpipe"

**Jaws 5 starring Gary Busey

**Mommie Queerest - Joan Crawford Comes Out of the Closet

Being that you all are probably conjuring up some unlikely sequels of your own... Comment me and let me in on your brilliance!

Tag the Stupid People

Fuck stupid people. No one likes them. Of the numerous things that really piss me off, stupid people account for the vast majority. One thing that drives me to my absolute breaking point is when I see a doe-eyed, overweight housewife, whimpering, and gazing in astonishment at a psychic’s every word on television.

“Can you talk to my dead grandma?” a woman pleads. Her hand is cupped by Montel Williams.

“I am seeing her now. She says she loves you. She is saying something about a kitchen,” the amazing psychic responds.

“A kitchen? Holy shit! My grandma lived in a house with a kitchen!” shouts the woman.

I almost choke on my Slim-jim. She’ll question the psychic more. I mean, she won’t buy it that easily… right? This psychic will have to prove it with a hell of a lot more detailed information than that. No one is that dumb. Nope. No way. Hold on... she isn’t questioning it. She’s clapping and crying. People are applauding the psychic. What in the fuck is going on? All of a sudden, I realize that I am punching myself in the face and turn the television off. What could this woman really offer society? Besides a “Don’t go there!” t-shirt, not much.

Stupid people, while entertaining at times, slow the progress of life, and make being in public frustrating as hell. I could go on for hours about it. Anyone could. The one thing that we can all agree on is that there are too many dumb fucking people in the world today. Instead of just bitching about it, I have a solution. I have a noble idea for the assholes that make you scream in your car, and throw dishes and cutlery at your dog. No, my idea is not a psychotic, murderous solution, like Hitler, or Darth Vader would come up with. It is just an option that would help improve the quality of life.

Dumb people should be tagged. Like the animals they match in intellect, they can be avoided and tracked.

You believe a psychic is real because she told you that your uncle said he loves and misses you from beyond the grave...

Tag.

You shoot your friend with a shotgun while hunting for quail…

Tag.

While driving, you come to a complete stop before you make a right-hand turn…

Tag.

The minute someone illustrates stupidity this horrendously, they should be pointed out. We would have a warning when we were about to encounter a person with an I.Q. the equivalent of a urinal cake. The advantages would be astounding. Think of the shitheads you could avoid. Oh yeah... I'm starting NOW.

So What?

Hello Readers!!

First Things First:

As you can see, I am back to business - my blog is free & clear of those infuriating photobucket images which were plastered on my pages like makeup on Pammy Anderson... (and let me add that this was through no fault of my own - of course. Nothing ever is.)

Moving on... here's what's happening in my neck of the asylum:

I've been thinking lately about change. More specifically, I've been thinking about changes I've made and asking myself whether or not they've been worth the friggin effort.

Kim: Self, have the efforts I made been worth it?
Self: I'm not sure, Kim. What makes you ask?
Kim: Well, I was thinking that maybe it was easier when I was fucked up - at least I was oblivious to reality. Reality sucks.
Self: Happy is as happy does, Kim.
Kim: Thanks Forrest. And fuck you.

As you can see, conversations with myself rarely turn out well.

Before I discovered the wonderful world of meds, I behaved badly (I make the girls from Absolutely Fabulous look like nuns) but I FELT happy... Seeing things clearly and behaving like a good girl ain't so grand - it's unbearably boring; the world tends to be ugly and people tend to be shit. I wanna be crazy again so the world is just a kaleidoscope and everything is easy, breezy, beautiful; Crazy Girl.
Why would I want sanity when the other side of the coin is so much shinier?


Attainable Affirmations (as published at pendulum.org)


**As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

**I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

**I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

**I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

**In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

**Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

**As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

**I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

**Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

**I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

**When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

**The first step is to say nice things about myself.

**The second, to do nice things for myself.

**The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

**As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

**I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

**Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

**Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute... I'll find someone.

**I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

**I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Hmmmm....

Kim: What do you think about that, Self?
Self: Only crazy people talk to themselves Kim.
Kim: Sigh.

Where are they going in such a rush?

I must tell you, I am going completely out of my mind while I'm waiting for this disability claim to be approved...  I KNOW 12 pages of documentation isn't that difficult to get through - so why has it been almost a year already?? 

 I thought bipolar disorder was a pretty cut and dry disability to have -  "Hi, I'm Kim. I have bipolar disorder. Bad. I have had 43 jobs in 15 years. Obviously, I am an incompetent employee. It is due to the fact that I am nuts - can I have my check now?" 

 Easy, right? That's what I though too, but I guess the federal government has a different idea of what "simple" is, because they are certainly taking their sweet time. So I'm bored stiff, and broke so I pretty much have resorted to living vicariously through other people.  I watch them like hawk to try and figure out what the hell they're so happy about. 

 A good place to do that is the mall - there are people EVERYWHERE!!!

I am, by nature, a fast walker...(quick like a bunny!); the reason why is pretty obvious. But today, I noticed that there are people out there in this fabulously crazy world who move like they've been drinking jet fuel for a completely different reason...

There were a lot of important people walking around the mall!! Walking briskly. That's the way to walk when you're wearing a suit or heels for the benefit of convincing others that you are "someone to know"...  Strolling while wearing a suit makes you look like the President. He doesn't have to be brisk; everyone knows he's important. (The US president, that is. The mall president has to walk that way because he's too short to otherwise keep up with people.)

I've also noticed that putting your hands in your pants pockets while wearing a buttoned suit jacket makes you look like a lazy and/or pompus jackass, and makes me think of the word "congressman."

 Don't wear a suit unless you're going to be doing something important.
If you zip zip zip down a corrider and look at your watch 3 or 4 times before you get to the end, you must be SUPER DUPER important.

It really is nice to have all these busy, important people rush by while I sit on a bench and just wonder about them... "people watching" is what my mother used to call it.

Makes me feel like a dirty hippy. I wish I had a guitar to play for them.... They probably would have thrown money at me.