Amarillo Slim Smiled At Me From The Great Beyond...

Sometimes in life, the order in which certain events play out make you think that things really do happen for a reason...


Yesterday, or maybe the day before... actually, could have been 3 days ago - who knows? When you spend your life in poker rooms at 12 - 30 hours at a clip, the days all blend together. Anyway, SOMETIME earlier this week, I was doing my Twittah thang, and saw a tweet from @PetsAlive, a group dedicated to saving animals from euthanasia, about a dog named Max desperately needing a home.  Something about this dog just got to me... I mean, look at him!!! I decided, on the spot, that I would rescue this dog from shelter life, and in return, he'd rescue me from a life of conditional love.

So... I #SnapCalled and replied to the tweet, saying, "Max can come live with me... How do we do this?".  The shelter is in New York, I live in Delaware, but I even added, "I'll drive there and pick him up if I have to." I expected an immediate response, but didn't get one.  I had a few errands to run, and figured that by the time I was done, I'd definitely have a reply waiting, so I headed out to do what I needed to do, and even picked up a new doggie toy as a "welcome to your new home" gift for Max.

When I got home, I immediately checked Twitter, thinking that after a few hours, someone would DEFINITELY have responded. Nope. Nothing. And I was angry. I mean, did this place want their dogs adopted, or not?? I would think that, given the time sensitive nature of a shelter dog's situation, they would go out of their way to answer a person showing obvious interest, ESPECIALLY one willing to drive across FOUR states to pick the dog up!! 

I was bitching about it to a friend of mine (a cat person - ugh! *rolls eyes) who said "Who cares? Let the fucking dog die!" Nice. Leave it to a cat person to say something stupid. 

But, that phrase... "Let the dog die"... it rang a bell. Loudly. I knew I'd heard that phrase somewhere before, just couldn't put my finger on where. Something told me it was poker related. Hmmm... Where the HELL did I hear that?? Think, Kim, think... it'll come to you. After 5 minutes of attempted recollection, I gave up.

I again checked Twitter, and THIS time, there WAS a response from @PetsAlive, telling me to go to their website and fill out an application (which I did, so wish me and Max luck!!) but there was also a message from my pal Doyle Brunson, aka @TexDolly. Sadly, poker legend Amarillo Slim passed away on April 29; he and Doyle were very close friends.  Because people are, in general, human stains, there have been vicious rumors circulating about Amarillo Slim in the wake of his death - the things being said about him are so malicious in nature that I won't even dignify the bottomfeeders who are spreading these stories by going into specifics, but I'll tell you that the gist of Doyle's message to me was "He had his faults, but don't believe the shit people are saying about Slim".  Not to worry, sir, I don't.

BUT WAIT A SECOND!!! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD... Doyle!!! THAT'S where I've heard the phrase "Just let the fucking dog die"!! YES!!! I knew it'd come to me somehow! There's a story in Doyle's book "Poker Wisdom Of A Champion" about that phrase!! Now... what the hell was that story about, again? If only my short term memory didn't fuck me in the ass on a regular basis, I'd be able to remember... Hmmm... Here we go again. Think, Kim, think. Oh, fuck this...  

I retrieved the book from it's spot on the shelf and proceeded to look for the story, and found it... right here on page 177. 

Weird how things come together, right? Right. Because on page 176, directly opposite of "Letting The Dog Die" is this picture, of Doyle & Amarillo Slim. The way Slim is posed, it's as if he's saying "Listen to THIS guy... He knows what he's talking about when it comes to what people are saying about me!"

The lesson here? Life is a bitch sometimes... but she does have her reasons. Pay attention when she speaks to you.

                                  

Rest in peace, Amarillo Slim.

And speaking of the walking dead...

.

Once again, I must apologize to my loyal (and obviously insane) readers for my recent lack of posts. What I've been doing in my absence is simply enjoying the outdoors before the last weeks of summer are gone. I HAD to get a little sun time - I was starting to look like a vampire.

And speaking of the walking dead, what the fuck is up with grown adults incessantly  talking about how they love to read the 'Twilight' series? Seriously, these books are meant for teenagers. I don’t care that you think adults can enjoy them too...they’re not for you. Sweet Imaginary Baby Jesus - just let it go.

Inevitably these stories-for-tweens-lovin' freaks corner you with the relentless and infuriating bloodsucker inquisition. I’ll usually try to politely break the news that 'Twilight' isn’t really my thing, and hopefully gently deflect the topic. Very rarely does the information that I haven’t read any of the books get a pass. Thus begins the conversation I've had a thousand times:

“Really, you haven't read 'Twilight'?! Oh, you should, they’re great.”
"Yeah, I've-"
"They're not just for kids! You should read one, you'll love it!"
“Nah… I don’t think I’d really enjo-“
“That’s what I thought and then I read just one, and now I’m hooked!”
“Great, but I’m still not –“
“Just read one, I promise you’ll get into it! You can borrow mine.”

Damn people, back up OFF my puss - are you getting paid for this? Is this a pyramid scheme? Wait, I get it…this is Scientology, right?

I swear these people are a hair cut and a robe away from crazy. I’m talking matching turquoise running suits crazy. 

Listen 'Twilight' people, I haven’t read the books. I will never read the books. Ever. Understand? Actually, you know what? I don’t think you DO understand me, so let me make it very clear…

I would rather swallow a roll of razor wire.

I would rather eat a used baby diaper.

I would rather forcibly shove a glass thermometer deep into my cervix and smash it with a hammer.

I would rather ride a unicycle with a machete for a seat.

I would rather sucker punch a gang member and try to run away wearing ski boots.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I get invited by Bill and Ted to travel back in time to cut Jesus’ umbilical chord with a lightsaber.

I would rather drink a gravel and Drano smoothie.

I would rather wipe my ass with fiberglass insulation.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day Mr. T stops pitying fools.

I would rather have unprotected sex with a Taiwanese transsexual.

I would rather swim in a dumpster full of vomit.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I stick my tongue out at the Pope and knock his hat off.

I would rather siphon a septic tank.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I breakdance fight a sasquatch, and lose.

I would rather open mouth kiss a crocodile.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I have a three way with the Green Lantern and Skeletor on the back of a unicorn.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I pull a switch blade on E.T. over an argument concerning Brazil’s steadily growing agricultural market, and the impact on U.S. farming economy.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I have a harmonica jam with the FOX news anchors.

I would rather brush my teeth with shitpaste.

I'd rather be buried alive.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I give Papa Smurf a beej in the bathroom at Castle Greyskull.

'Twilight' fans, listen to me. And listen good, you vile buncha conformists... STOP trying to recruit me to your inner reading circle! I will NEVER read 'Twilight'. Ever. Truth be told, I would prefer to read a more creative work of fiction. Something that's REALLY 'out there', as opposed to yet another tired vampire saga. You know, something a bit more imaginative... like the bible.

You have all been named douchebag of the day for your poor reading list choices. On a scale of one to ten, fuck off.