Daily Douchebag Double Feature

Hi Kids! I've got a mixed bag today, and lots of shit to cover, so let's skip the gristle and get straight to the bone, shall we??

I'd like to announce the Douchebag Of The Day. Actually, make that a plural... "douchebagS".  I've got one for Halloween AND today.  So without futher adieu, here they are folks - all the way from a vaginal cleansing product factory somewhere in New Jersey or Michigan, your Daily Bags Of Douche:

Massengill Man # 1 - The creep who reached under my costume and grabbed my cat Halloween night.

Your name is unimportant, as is your entire existence, actually. Since I don't remember it, I have dubbed you "Mr. Rapey McViolater",  but ohhhhhhh;  you can bet your genetically inferior ass that I will never forget your fleshy, pink, and swollen face. I won't forget the sneer it wore when you attempted your charming little barside pelvic exam, but more than that, I'll always remember the way it scrunched up, all mongoose-like and pouty when you realized you were barking up the wrong tree. I think that moment must have come right after I said, "Listen, bitch. If you ever make the foolish decision to try and touch me again, EVER, I will shatter your fucking jaw. Are we clear, motherfucker? I'm not the one. Now GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."  And you did, without a fight, which surprised me. Because I was preoccupied*, I put you in the back of my head, and even though I saw you at a couple of different places that night, I wasn't bothered by you in the least. The night went on without incident, and I managed to salvage my mood and enjoy Halloween.

At least for a couple of hours. BUT once a low-rent swine, always a low-rent swine, and true to your porcine nature, you went and shoved a forearm up my friend's skirt too.... I caught it out of the corner of my eye, and for a split second, I thought you were about to pull some kind of figure skating lift and twirl move out of your bag o' tricks, but sadly, you were simply fisting my friends box. You ARE quite the charmer, you.  Because my friend didn't blow her rape whistle or donkey punch you, I snapped a pic for posterity and kept my mouth shut.

(yes, I DID say "snapped a pic"... saving that tasty treat for later in the post)

Alas, the mouth can never stay shut for long, thanks to bottom-feeding cretins like you... When I realized it was YOUR headlights in my rearview mirror on the drive home from the last party, I knew it was time to sound off. And when I pulled into the parking lot where my friend's car was parked & you pulled in behind me, I knew it was time to mentally rehearse all those self-defense for women moves I've learned over the years. You fucking scared me, and I don't scare easily.  Hey - you gotta give me credit, I was straightforward & honest with you, remember? I told you "Listen, parasite... If my friend wants to talk to you tomorrow when she's sober, that's HER stupid decision - but right now, she's smashed, which means she's MY responsibility. I'm telling you LOUD AND CLEAR there's NO FUCKING WAY you're getting near her, so please exit... stage left even."  But you stood your ground and refused. I asked you again, this time getting out of my car to confront you. Any self-respecting douchebag would have been ultimately embarrassed by now & would have left. Not YOU, Mr. Duct Tape In The Trunk... Nooooooooo. I had to have one of my male friends physically threaten you to get rid of your lecherous ass. (BTW - you're "Pussy of the day" too.... ran like a little girl THEN, didn't ya?) I was so relieved to see you pull out of the lot that I almost peed.

And then I almost shit. You know when? OF COURSE YOU DO, you creepy fucking insect... I almost shit when we pulled around the back of the building to drop my friend off at his car. You know why? Again, OF COURSE YOU DO, you slimy predator... I almost shit because there you were, in the back lot, car running & headlights off, just WAITING for the 2 women to drop off their male friend. We KNOW what happened at THAT point... no need to rehash the ugly details. Bet you never plan another rape again, though, will ya? Freak.

For your ruthless stalking, undeterred violations of personal space and total lack of morals or social skills, you are THIS YEARS NUMBER ONE DOUCHEBAG. Your parents must be awfully proud. Oh - I almost forgot... I promised to show you what you look like when you're in "hunt" mode. So here's the lovely visual:

If this were me, I'd have kicked your teeth in... consider yourself lucky that my friend (the molestation victim above) didn't take your eyes out...

Oh - and as an added bonus, I have taken the liberty of tacking this to every telephone pole within a 5 mile radius AND in every ladies room I happen to visit. You're welcome.

Nobody, not even someone as altruistic and charitable as I am, relishes unsolicited drunken groping, especially yours. And you actually thought I'd be okay with this, or even ENJOY it? Ugh! What a self-righteous dickshaft.



Douchebag #2 -

You are a human stain... and since I don't remember your name either, I will refer to you you as THE STAIN.

You are the pathetic cunt who said this to me on Full Tilt Poker Monday night:
"I hope you get AIDS and cancer bitch."

Let me try and remember why you said that..... oh yeah - I REMEMBER NOW: I beat you out of a petty 450 dollar pot. Maybe you have some sand in your vagina, but buddy, it was A FIVE DOLLAR FUCKING BUY IN. What went wrong in your life that night?? Did you lose your favorite pink dress???

Cancer is not something to be thrown around so lightly - ask anyone who's had a mastectomy recently.

You need to take a long hard look in the mirror... a mirror doesn't lie. And lucky for you, it can't laugh either.

Eatabagadix Twitter!! No God = KNOW Censorship

**NOTE:  To hear more about the terrible atrocities of yesterdays trending topic war on Twitter, please go pay a visit to my atheist blog:  Goddities

(and be sure to add yourself as a follower & leave comments while you're there!)

Hi kids! Without any mincing of words, the Douchebag Of The Day (by a landslide) is Twitter. For their undeniable censorship & bias, they are awarded my raised middle finger, a bushel basket full of disappointment, and a one year supply of bad-mouthing and mistrust.

SHAME ON YOU TWITTER! Even Jesus thinks you're a douchebag.

*Honorable mention for Douchebag Of The Day goes to the Christian who tweeted the following, in response to the #NoGod thread: "if there's no god how did balloon boy come safely to earth?"

Yeah. He really said that.






.

Harry Potter Should Be Put To Death...

Since the moment I was unfortunate enough to stumble across this video on YouTube, I've had a knot in my stomach that I cannot rid myself of. I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts about this....

I Couldn't Find A Baby To Shake... I think Jane Has Them Bound & Gagged In Her Basement

Jane unravels under pressure

*twitch* *twitch*........  My work here is done.

http://intentions.wordpress.com/2009/06/14/angry-bipolar-patient-posts-personal-attacks-about-my-hair/#respond

Sounds like SOMEBODY could use a Xanax! 

I'm so angry I could shake a baby

                   WARNING: HEARTLESS MOCKERY AHEAD! 

If you are a bleeding heart softie who feels sorry for the underdog even if the underdog is an aggressive beast with beady eyes and rabies, this is not the post for you, and you should turn on your heels and get the fuck out of here. If you choose to keep reading, that's fine too. Just know that my goal is to publicly discredit, humiliate and embarrass, so.... you've been warned. You big pussy, you.


A couple of days ago I had the shit luck of finding a video on YouTube entitled "Preventing Bipolar Mania Naturally". The title alone told me that this video would piss me off, but I'm always up for a challenge, so I began watching. I could not believe some of the things I saw and heard, but I was powerless to stop watching.

At about 8 minutes in, I heard a strange sound and realized that I had been punching myself in the face.

The author of the aforementioned video is a crazy person. Not crazy like "That's what she thinks? If she believes THAT she's crazy!" Nooooo... no no no.  She's a whole different kind of crazy. She's the "sneak into your room at night and watch you sleep while she smells your shirts and cuts the eyes out of all your teddy bears" kind of crazy.

SFJane claims that not only is bipolar "not real" but that she had bipolar and cured it. Do you see a problem here already kiddies? Yeah. Me too. I won't give it away for you, but this broad says some things that will make even a bipolar skeptic say "Well THAT doesn't sound right....." and rub his chin in that creepy way skeptics rub their chin.

I took issue with a plethora of things that splattered on me during her verbal shitstorm, so I commented on YouTube that she should get herself an education.
She replied, in what I have now come to know as her usual cuntified way, but has since blocked me from commenting back. I have taken that as a challenge; one which I intend to WIN right now.  So grab your popcorn kiddies, because the feature presentation is about to begin.  ..... roll film.




Jane,
I want to thank you from the bottom of the middle finger I'm holding up for making this so easy for me. The insults practically write themselves!  I was subjected to your massacre of the truth for over a fucking hour, now you can endure my uncensored character assassination which, by the way, is totally justified. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 **The opinions stated here are those of MYSELF and do not represent the thoughts or opinions of assholes like YOU, who should do us all a favor and go play "Let's Drink What's Under The Kitchen Sink".

Why You've Officially Been Named Douchebag Of The Day

1. You are a coward. Your asinine opinion makes me want to snack on live powerlines but I will defend until my death your right to speak your mind uncensored.  You obviously do not feel the same way, because you blocked my comments on YouTube. How do you stand up so straight without a spine?

2. You speak in a creepy Madonna-esque dialect. Listen; you can't fool anyone unless you're consistent. "MEM-WAHHR" or "MEM-HWAH"??  Pick one. And stick to it. On a scale of 1 - 10, you're an idiot.

3. You are redundant. You say the same thing over and over again and you repeat yourself alot. Many times, you say the same exact thing you already said and you'll also keep saying that same word and you repeat it a lot. And you repeat yourself. (sarcasm there... learn it. love it. suck it.)

4. You quote directly from a thesaurus. When you AREN'T being redundant, you sometimes manage to spit out some pretty impressive words, but if you want people to believe they didn't come directly from Mirriam-Webster's, it's probably a good idea to TAKE THEM OUT OF ALPHABETICAL ORDER FIRST. Duh. Did the little hamster in your head fall off its wheel again?

5. Nothing you say is factual. Over the entire span of the 28 minute video, you only managed to make 2 points. And both of them are underwhelming and inaccurate. You think you are an inspiration? You are! If what you're trying to inspire is pity. *sigh*  Soooo many freaks, not nearly enough circuses.

5. You say that you can't get intelligent conversation from a bipolar person. Intelligence? Intelligence????? The most intelligent snippet of wisdom I witnessed in your entire 28 minute festival of delusions was somewhere near the 5:10 marker. You said "I beat my mania when there were slowages at work. SLOWAGES?? REALLY?  C'mon. A fetus could tell you that 'slowages' isn't a word. But just to be certain, I looked it up. In 3 different dictionaries. All of them had the same results.... 'word not found' but they did recommend another word...


Yes, I DID mean sewage. And slag. Yes, I did. Thank you, dictionary.com, thesaurus.com and mirriamwebster.com for that correction.


6. You say that you cured yourself of SCHIZ-EE-OH-AFFECTIVE disorder. SchizEEEoaffective. Jane, If you can't SAY it, you never HAD it.
(FYI it's SKITZ-OH-AFFECTIVE. there's no ee before the oh...)
  ~~~Old MacDonald had a farm  ~~~no ee just an oh...~~~ 

7. You say "we" when you mean "you"... UGH. That's worse than referring to yourself in the third person. In my experience, people who say "we" when they mean "you" are arrogant assholes who treat other people like minions in an effort to disguise their own self-loathing.

Even kindergarten teachers sound pathetic saying it....  "What do we say when someone gives us a compliment Little Johnny???"  If I were little Johnny, I'd shove the nearest writing utensil up her ass, and before she could react, I'd say "But Teacher, WE like that." Then I'd strut away and say "Bada Bing! I think she got the point."

8. You are a blatant liar. Do you really expect me to believe that you've written a book about mental well being? A BOOK THAT'S BEING PUBLISHED???? I doubt you could get a PHONE NUMBER published, much less a book.


Jane, I could go on and on but I have more pleasant things to do, like shove pencils through my tongue, so I'll close this little diatribe now.  But before I go, there's just one more thing:

You say that you are not depressed AT ALL anymore and that you have "found" yourself? My guess is that you found yourself crouched, wild-eyed, in the corner of a Krispy Kreme with little bits of dough and glaze stuck to your unwashed hair.

Nobody goes from THIS:

(skinny pic)

To THIS:

(fat pic)

in less than a year because they are joyously celebrating how happy they are with themselves...  Smells like depression to me. You reek of fear and self-doubt Jane. And if you would take a few minutes to actually SPEAK with someone living with bipolar disorder rather than ATTACK them, you might learn how to love yourself. 

But I'll still hate you.

** Dear readers: If you think you can stomach it, here are 2 of this douchebag's videos which I think you will find particularly repulsive.  Try and get through even 6 minutes of each one without lighting yourself on fire. It's tough, but I know you can do it!  Then, if you're so inclined, leave your comment for Jane to chew on... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnJPfMhasQA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG8HJ1DJOBg

Michael Sick

Hey Michael Dick... er - Vick:

DOUCHEBAG.

My Apologies...

I feel the need to publicly offer my sincerest apologies to the poker genius I insulted last night when he pushed me over the edge with his incessant shit talking... I believe my exact words were "Hear that? That's the sound of logic screaming in agony .... but thankfully, brain trumps mouth..." and for that, I am truly sorry.

What I meant to say was "I'm sorry, I don't speak fluent caveman, but I'm pretty sure what you just said translates to:  'Please come across the poker table and shatter my jaw because I am an utter imbecile and deserve to have my obnoxious ass beat down until I stop breathing and die- then I should be brought back to life just so I can have my ass kicked again.' or something to that effect. And by the way, motherfucker,  is that your face or did you just block a kick?"

So, truly, if I said anything out of line, please believe me... um... that's it. Just please believe me.

Darwinism and Say Whaaaaattttt?

I am the kind of person who lives by the motto "I'll believe it when I see it".  Because of my limited range of trust, I have always been skeptical of the whole Jesus, Mary & Joseph thing. I never believed that Noah had a boat stuffed with animals, and I serious doubted that J.C. rose after 3 days... Even with the technological and medical advances we've made since then, we still can't manage to magically raise the dead. That's some David Blaine shit. The thing is, I may have discovered a hole in Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection because there is absolutely no way that the guy I had the misfortune of meeting today online is of the same species as the rest of us. Sorry Charles - you fucked up and missed something - like I said, this guy can't possibly be of the same species. During a heated game of online poker at Full Tilt Poker , the aforementioned  cretin actually spewed this tidbit of verbal sludge - "Hey Danger, you're  pretty hot. Wanna meet in a private room and have a little fun?" 

Say whaaaaaaat?  

For those of you who aren't familiar with the site, this is what I look like on Full Tilt:

YUP.... I'm a friggin' cartoon character. A cute cartoon character, but a cartoon character nonetheless. There must be some kind of animation fetish that I'm not aware of... Ew. So when this caveman asks me if I'd like to meet in a private room, my first reaction is to throw up in my mouth a little bit. My second reaction is to consider the proposition. Would I like to meet him in a private room for some "fun"??  Hmmmm.....

No. Absolutely not. In fact, I can't think of anything I'd rather do less. 

I can, however, think of things I'd rather do more...

- I'd rather gargle with broken glass.

- I'd rather drink a tabasco and shit smoothie.

- I'd rather eat a popsicle made of hobo drool.

- I'd rather straddle a running sand belt.

- I'd rather watch Gary Busey dance in the nude.

- I'd rather try to stop a lawn mower blade with my tongue.

- I'd rather jump into a lion's den wearing a catnip suit.

- I'd rather fall asleep on a killer ant hill covered in kool aid.

So thanks to "creepy poker game guy", I guess I need to rethink my position on Darwinism.

Ever Get The Feeling You're Being Followed?

It's been quite a while since my last post; let me tell you why...
I've officially been stalked for the first time online. In fact, it's the first time I've ever been stalked, period.

As many of you know, I belong to an online support group. Like most support groups, "flaming" in general forums is frowned upon. Thankfully, this group has a thread dedicated to strong opinions, which is appropriately named "The Opinions Page".  This is where the group members can go to post if we have an issue with another member or something they said, general rants, or posts with extra strong language or adult content.
The idea is that if members of the group can confront each other openly and each side is able to say EXACTLY what they'd like to say, uncensored, they can get it off their chest and out of their system so it doesn't interfere with the group dynamics in the general threads. 
But SOME of the time, a member will come into the Opinions Page and voice their disdain about what's being said, the swearing, the name calling, blah blah blahbitty blah. Oh - let me back up for a sec and tell you that there is a HUGE BRIGHT RED WARNING on the very first page of the thread that warns readers/members that they will run into material that is potentially offensive; if they can't handle it, they should turn around and not enter. It also says if they don't turn around but instead decide to enter anyway, they should keep their moral superiority and holier-than-thou attitudes to themselves and just shut the fuck up - they were warned... So like I was saying, every once in a while we'll run into some d-bag who finds it necessary to play judge and jury; they are offended by the content of the thread.  Frankly, I'm offended that they find it offensive - they should be smart enough to heed the warning.  And being the delicate flower I am, I usually have no problem at all letting these jackasses know what I think about their intrusion and it usually includes a few F-bombs as well as a few scattered  "asshole", "douchebag", "dickhead", "dumbass"... "_____________" (insert your own taboo word here - I'm sure I've used it), and definitely a few words that I can't even elude to (just in case my mother reads this).  Usually, the saint either leaves the thread with head hung low (knowing they ignored the warning) or tell me to go fuck myself and we become quick friends... Like I said - USUALLY. But I had a run-in with an extra defensive, insecure, passive-aggressive, self centered moronic individual a few weeks ago...
Apparently, somebody didn't approve of how I handle my business in the "Opinions" thread. As a result, he has been LITERALLY stalking me online. He has been to EVERY SINGLE social network, blog, blog sharing network, article - EVERYTHING I'm a member of, everything I've posted, every blog & article I've ever written. He's left nasty dehumanizing comments and horrible ratings and reviews...
This douchebag left me ratings like 0.1 (on a scale of 1-10) and was bringing down my averages to numbers so low that I've been forced to open new accounts, change emails & screen names - the whole 9 yards... or "yaahds" for those of u who know me LOL)
So bottom line is that I've been refraining from posting ANYTHING ANYWHERE so I could get my shit straight while attempting to get rid of him.
I finally threatened to sic the internet crimes people on him, and I think he's stopped. (PUSSY...) A lot of the reviews he left are deleted now - I'm not sure if HE deleted them or if the sites that I complained to did, but either way, I'm satisfied.
YEAH - I'M STILL PISSED. But at least he's not stalking me anymore (or I don't THINK so anyway)!

So I can get back to brass tacks... thanks for the concerned messages - I can't believe you even noticed my absence. Wait - are you stalking me too?? GULP!

Semantics, Hypocrisy & Other Things On My Mind

Bear with me folks... I am a smidge manic today (I know - you're shocked.)

I've been attempting to decide which of the 98 1/2 subjects zipping through my head I'd like to talk about, but I can't settle firmly on one...

Therefore, I will be making brief statements about a few different things today...


1. Is it just me, or is anyone else's curiosity piqued as to why we can't buy a 50 Cent CD at Wal-Mart because he raps about guns, but what you CAN buy at Wal-Mart is a GUN?


2. I'm thinking that if your bedtime is "Tuesday", there's a good chance you may be bipolar.


3. I really for the life of me CANNOT UNDERSTAND why some people get so bent out of shape about how their Bipolar Disorder is referenced in relation to them as a person.  Is there a collossal difference between "I AM bipolar" and "I HAVE Bipolar" ???  I submit that no, there is not.  Use your valuable breath to talk about something that actually matters, like the fact that Baby Ruth bars only have about 45% of the nuts they used to have, or that a seven year old committed suicide -

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT SUBJECT....

WARNING!*TRIGGERS* WARNING!

WARNING!*TRIGGERS* WARNING! 

4. A seven year old Iranian boy committed suicide. Yeah. A SEVEN YEAR OLD.  When I read the article which talks about the boy's self inflicted death, I literally became sick. A SEVEN YEAR OLD.... it makes one think, does it not?

But here's the kicker folks; the powers that be are (of course) blaming the media.

An excerpt from the article, which was published on Medical News Today:

This seems to be the first case of attempted copycat suicide in a child under 10 years old. Exposure to suicidal behaviour in the media has been strongly linked to copycat suicide attempts but never in someone so young. This case warns of the potential danger to young people who are exposed to suicide even when it is fictional, and exposes the previously ignored role of attention deficit and impulsive behavioral traits on suicide...

I'm not sure what I think about a 7 year old hanging himself, and the media being faulted... but I'd be really interested in hearing from anyone who DOES know what they think about it.  The jury is still out on that one for me.

You can get the full article here: 
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/138177.php


It's sad, sad, news.....

And speaking of spontaneous regurgitation...

Why, why why why... Oh Jesus Christ - why? WHY am I (and everyone else with bipolar) looked at with contempt and charged with intent when I show symptoms?  If I say that I'm depressed, people roll their eyes and say "Great. Her bipolar's back. Just great. Pfft!" then edge away from me as if they think I'm about to feed on them.

 I wonder...If I had cancer, would they get angry at me and say "Great, the tumor's back" ...?