Don't Point That Thing At Me...

**Re-published by request.  Original post appeared Sept 2010.


Let's face it kids; there are some things in this world that we just don't always have the time and patience to deal with.

As a kinda young, sorta hip, reasonably sexy woman, I am often faced with things that I don’t want. Emails about hair loss or Viagra, for example. Brazilian waxes. Math. And more often than not, boners.

 

They seem to come out of nowhere, with the least provocation. I mean, the simple act of waking up in the morning will excite a man to the consistency of a rock. He doesn’t look expectantly at his sheets and say, “Well, are you going to finish this, or what?” Yet my opposable thumbs mean I’m eternally responsible for getting rid of Mr. Wiggly.

Now normally, I heart penises. Really, they’re great. A little funny-looking, not exactly a box of kittens, but no big whoop... sometimes, though, you’re just not in the mood to deal with them. Sometimes you just want to go home, watch the last 6 episodes of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" and Google random stuff.

So what’s a girl to do? A hand job may sound like a good idea but it can quickly become a trap; I learned when I was 17 that the ol' I’m-sure-you-can-do-it-better-yourself excuse will only mean you have a different job. A job called blow. In order to escape both of these, you’ll need to be crafty. Tricky. Horrifically unattractive. Here’s a list of my favorite lines for penis-proofing your evening:

-"Your wiener is so cute!"  Men HATE it when you call their junk "cute".  If he’s Jewish, be sure to note that he has a kosher wiener. Or, if hooking up with a Chinaman, call it a “Wang” and tug on the corner of your eyes while hissing “You like flied lice?” And I’ve found that black men don’t particularly like it when you refer to their penis as a “G-g-g-G UNIT!”

-"Don’t you love my new veneers? They look great, but my teeth are so sharp!" Elaborate using words like “shred” and “puncture”, and make many analogies to the recent Florida shark attacks.

-"I never knew you could get herpes of the hands, but there you go!" Drive the point home with a needlessly complex story about your “Summer of the Goats” on your Uncle Tucker's farm in rural Kentucky.

-"Can you help me put in my diaphragm?" Look, I don’t even know what the hell a diaphragm is. But I think they’re roughly the size and shape of a Frisbee and have something to do with electromagnetism. Chances are, he doesn’t know either. Just pull a random object out of your purse, like an eggbeater or bottle of Nyquil, and lay it expectantly in his hand. When he hesitates, burst into a smile and say, "Oh, Nick! I knew you wanted to have a baby!" This works especially well if his name isn’t Nick.

-"Guess what I have back at my place…?" His eyes will light up eagerly, visions of whipped cream and lesbian twins dancing in his wee head. Wait a few beats to up the anticipation, and then slap your limp wrist against your chest and slur, “Durrrrrrrr”!!! Do this again and again, upping the ante each time, adding drool, a mild seizure, and maybe even a pants crapping or two for good measure.

-"Damn, I'm ITCHY AS A MOTHERFUCKER!!" That's it. Works like a charm.


As you can see, it’s no easy task successfully diffusing a boner. But with good communication and a little thing I like to call “fake cramps”, you’ll be in a cab and on your way home in no time! Done and done!

West Coast Livin'...

Over the past year, I've made friends with lots and lots of great people who call L.A. their home. I'll be visiting many of them this summer so I've boned up on my knowledge of L.A. culture. As a gift to you, kiddies, I am sharing what I've learned so that if you visit the greater Los Angeles area to chill with your friends or become a star or whatever, you'll know how to act.

*Spoiler alert: Although on the East Coast, it's perfectly acceptable to yell "Get the fuck outta the road, you fuckin' retahhd!" at an elderly man while he crosses the street, they frown on that in Califor-nye-aye.



So, say someone told you were the most talented chorus member in your schools rendition of “Pippin”... Now you think you have what it takes to tackle life in the land of Milk–N-Honey - Los Angeles.

Well, before you go and buy your one-way bus fare, you need to know The Rules of La La Land. Yes, there are rules and, if you break them, you will be taken straight to the border and sent home, or worse - to THE VALLEY (for serious offenders).

Read up, kiddies, and take note, or suffer a life never knowing what it's like living in the 310. (I know... GANGSTA, right??!!)

Rule #1: Though It Is Always Sunny During the Day, It Snows At Night in LA

I know, I know. Drugs are bad, blah, blah, shut up. What you like to call "Drug Addiction" (such a nasty term), the "hipsters" in L.A. refer to as "partying." It may be 2009 but the truth is, the 80’s are alive and blowing a load all over L.A. Nightlife. Their clubs may close at 1:30, but what what they lack in late night club life, they make up for in "AFTER-HOURS," which is when a lot of a people meet up in some random guy's house in the hills and spew fast nonsense at one another while sweating profusely and obsessively changing radio stations.

Rule #2: Flat Is For The Ground, But Those Bosoms Must Be Round.

Ok, ladies- we know your mothers told you to love yourself, but they don’t adhere to that bullshit in the city of angels.  All females must have a heaping, full bosom-with a C Cup minimum. All females will be subjected to RTC’s (Random Titty Checks) in all bars, clubs, restaurants and shopping areas, and will be asked to wear clothing that shows both your cleavage and stomach (for your BMI and hip- to-waist ratio check) on all occasions.

Those unwilling to cooperate will be labled “Feminazi’s” and sent immediately to San Francisco on a dirty Greyhound Bus.

Rule # 3: If Your Mama Is Alive, a Beamer You Shall Drive

There is a car requirement in Los Angeles that is strictly enforced. You must drive a BMW or higher. The BMW shall always be a convertible, and the make must not be more than two years older than the present date. The color must be Dark Blue, Silver or Black. All other colors will get to sent to Encino. You must drive this car no matter what you do for a living, which means you have the following options:

A. Lie To Your Mother
B. Steal From Your Mother
C. Live With Your Mother (which is more forgivable than not driving a BMW)

Rule # 4: Unless You Want To Be Tossed By the Wayside, Get To The Store And Buy Some Peroxide

Because of Section 43251 of the Los Angeles Hottie Code, absolutely NO brunette females will be allowed to reside in Los Angeles.

You will have 24 hours to lighten both your hair and attitude upon entry. Your blonde of choice may range from "Summer, Buttery" to "White Vivid Video Vixon." The L.A. natives prefer the latter. The more you look like a (high retail) porn star, the better you will fare. There is one exception: Roots. All skanks with the skunk line will be sent to Long Beach, where they can listen to hip hop and wear ADIDAS track pants.

Rule # 5: The Truth Is for Fools, Tell It And You’ll Break The Rules

No negative vibes are allowed in LA... Therefore, you will pretend to love every person you meet, idea you hear, movie you see, food you taste and club you visit. Those who violate this rule by sharing what they call their "opinion” will be sent home to New York.

Rule #6: Broke Is No Joke: A Man Without Money Is Not Very Funny

Men need to flaunt their cash like it’s a big penis at a porn convention. No matter what, you must SPEND, SPEND, SPEND. In times when not spending (such as when you are enjoying the fruits of someone else's spending) you must TALK about how much you have been spending. You may accentuate your statements by flashing labels or inviting people to see expensive items you have recently purchased.

Rule #7: When Discussing all Traffic, Try Avoiding All Havoc

Everyone drives in LA. This means you must quickly learn how to sustain a conversation (for a minimum of twenty minutes time) about how you found an alternate route in between your destinations that helped you avoid the “nightmare” on whatever main route the “average” person would have taken.

Side Note: When referring to highways, you must do so as though they are landmarks.

Example: “I avoided the bumper-to-bumper disaster on the “5” this afternoon!”

Rule #7: When Celebs Hit Your Scene, You Must Always Be Mean

You must see at least three celebrities per week and when recounting the tale, you must share negative details about their dress, weight, skin (especially when involving Lindsey or Britney) and attitude. I know this seems to break rule 5 but the Los Angeleans say it doesn’t…pretend not to notice their inconsistency—that DOES break rule 5.

Rule #8: Sushi Is Yummy, Even If It Hurts Your Tummy

Sushi is delicious! Don’t think so? You had better lie. You will be willing to spend $40.00 on rolls filled with cold fish and seaweed and pretend you want and can afford more, but will “hold off” because you don’t want to “stuff yourself.” You will be starving or broke by the end of the night. If starving, you can use your leftover money for “after hours”, where you will have a little nose candy for dessert and lose your appetite. If you are stuffed and broke, your ass had better beg for bumps all night to burn those extra calories. No fatties allowed in LA. Unless you are a studio head- and you are not a studio head (although you are allowed to say you are to get laid).


Rule #9: Unless You Want To Be Deceased, You Must Never EVER Drive East.

No one goes East of La Brea or South of Olympic—That’s gang member territory.

This rule is only broken if you need a fake ID -or an Abortion. Whore.

Rule # 10: The Place Will Not Be The Same, Once You Speaketh The Name

You went to the hottest ___________ (insert name of spa, club, restaurant, hotel bar) and it was ________________(insert AMAZING, AWESOME, RIDICULOUS). You saw _______________(Insert Hef, Playmates, Paris, Lindsay Lohan) and they were _______________ (Insert: Wasted, Anorexic, Old or Lame).

When your friends go there and complain it was dead, you will respond knowingly, "Yeah - well, I went when it was hot three weeks ago!"

Rule #11: If They Live in the 818, You Must Discriminate

No matter how nice she is, how hot she is, how loaded he is or what his excuse is, you can never, ever date someone in this area code. You may never visit someone in this area code, or you will be shunned. You will be forced to wear something from two seasons ago with a big Scarlet V on it if you are caught sleeping over at someone’s house for ANY reason.

This includes relatives.

In fact, if you have relatives in the 818, you must seek restraining orders against them so that when you become famous you can prove you have not been close to them “for years.”

For Fellow East Coasters who don't get it:

LA = Manhattan
The Valley = Long Island
Inland Empire = Jersey

Need I say more?

Now, go and pack your bags (though you will need to purchase new clothes once you arrive, and toss those undies (everyone goes commando in La La Land). Kiss your soul goodbye and say hello to your new best friend, Satan.

Hot Enough For Ya?...

Ok - so let's talk about cliches.

I like them... And the cheesier the better as far as I'm concerned. I've been hearing them a lot lately, thanks to a friend of mine who has a love thing for one of the all time greats, which we will touch upon later. She largely inispired this list, so thank you Samantha (MiniMom) - I owe ya one.

The thing is: I think there are some cliches that should be used WAAAYYY more often, but not in the boring and tiresome way they're usually used in. (C'mon - you know me better than that...)

So... I have created a list of classic cliches (along with their accompanying hand gestures) that have been translated into Kim-glish. Please memorize them and use them as often as possible. And if you have any to add - feel free to do it. Because "That's How I Roll"...

Okay - let's get this party started.


1.“Those Are Odds I Can Live With”
This cliche means everything and nothing at all, and is usually used like this:

Fred: “Hey Bob -  if you drink even one more beer, you’re going to go blind. Like legally blind. For real.”
Bob: "Those are odds I can live with." (shrugs and drinks beer anyway)

Here's the new way:

“Hey ____,(your name) wanna grab a few beers?”
With palms facing each other in a V formation, you shrug and reply, “Those are odds I can live with.”
**Feel free to laugh to yourself after saying this. I mean, shit, you're a funny oddsmaker and you know you just confused SOMEBODY.

2. “Up One Side And Down The Other”

Like most cliches, this one can be used as sexual innuendo... but it usually refers to something being uniformly and completely what it is... For example: "My new Apple computer is one hell of a piece of technology. It is built with sheer precision,  up one side and down the other.

The new way:

Waiter: “Are you enjoying your meal?”
You: “Up one side and down the other, thank you very much”

**Feel free to do a diving roller coaster motion with your hand to drive the point home. And don't forget to cap it off with a casual wink.


3.“I Wouldn’t Kick Her Out Of Bed”

This one is especially nauseating. Sometimes people will add something to the end of it, usually some kind of  infraction they would overlook - like "for eating crackers" or something equally as asinine.

The only way to use the NEW version of this one effectively is when referencing something non-female and preferably inanimate:

You're asked, “So what do you think about lasagna for dinner tonight?”

You reply,  “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed”
**Make sure to make some humping gestures after you say this. If you’re on you’re cell phone make “aree aree aree” sounds or however a squeaking bed sounds to you.


4. "To Be Honest With You”

“To be honest with you” has always been a great way to begin a statement that's pure and utter bullshit, and because it's so overused, everyone KNOWS. So since it's so obvious anyway, let's make it even more obvious for the new version...

A stranger at the mall asks you “'Excuse me... Do you have the time?"

Keeping your best poker face on, you say,  “Well to be honest with you,”  and roll up your sleeve a bit, look at your watch, give the face a little buff and polish, roll your sleeve back down and say “I left my watch at home, sorry Chief."
**Before you walk away make sure you do this: Moving in a grandiose way, take your cell phone out and bring it up to eye level. Make it obvious that you are again looking at the time by squinting in a really exaggerated way while you look at the screen. Proceed to put the phone away then say this: "So long Buddy. Sorry I couldn't help you. To be honest with you, I don't even carry a cell phone anymore because it's always flashing the time." Wink and walk away.


5.“I'd Tell You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You."

You really can’t overuse this classic  gem. So use it as you normally would, but the new version has a surprise ending...

Your friend asks "what are you doing this weekend?" and you say "I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you." Chuckle,  tell them your plans and go about business as usual.

**Here's the twist:
Every day for the next week, remind your friend that you're gonna have to kill them. Send them a series of emails containing links to websites that focus on random ways people are murdered  (by being poisoned slowly, by having their brake lines cut, by being caught off guard from behind and strangled with piano wire...etc.) When this has gone on for about a week, call your friend and say "Hey - let's go camping in the mountains this weekend, just me & you... Nobody else around for miles and miles... let your voice fade off in a day-dreamy way.

6. "I Really Shouldn’t”

People generally use this one when offered a slice of pie even though they would never pass up a yummy treat.

The new version of this cliche will be used when someone offers you something that is either a custom or simply necessary,  like a Kleenex box when you’re sneezing or a menu when you sit down at a restaurant. Say it with the same level of precociousness that you would if you were a rubinesque housewife being offered a heaping brownie sunday.
** No matter what you're refusing, be sure to lick your lips in a way that represents desire and lust.


7. “Whatever Happens, Happens”

Previously used as a hollow bit of advice from a shallow friend, you will now use this cliche threateningly.

You: “Want to get together for a drink sometime?”
Them: “Oh - thanks... but I just started seeing somebody..."
You, squinting angrily and with a sneer: "Well... whatever happens, happens”

Use this whenever you are denied a request.
**Pick up a piece of fruit, get real close to the other person's face and take a fierce bite out of it for added effect.

8. “That’s What SHE Said”

Almost too lame and cliched for this list, we’re gonna remodel this one. From now on you will use this cliche at complete random, and not in a Three’s Company type innuendo response to something that a girl might say during sex. The following examples will assist you:

This way is no longer acceptable:

Them: “The storm coming in is a big one”
You: “That’s what SHE said… swish!”

This is how the new version works:

Secretary at your pdoc's office: “So I've got you scheduled for a 3:30 pm appointment on the 12th”

You: “That’s what SHE said”

Secretary: “I don't understand...”

You: "Thats what SHE said"

Secretary: "Look - do you want this appointment or not?"

You: "Thats what SHE said"

Secretary: "That's it. I'm cancelling this appointment."

You: "That's what SHE said, BADA BING"

After delivering that missile, hang up really fast and reflect on your life.  and dont worry too much about fucking up your appointment. After all, you win some, you lose some, whats done is done and let's face it - there's no sense crying over spilled milk.

Snagging Mr. McDreamyballs

Listen up kiddies; the following is geared toward the ladies, but it applies to men too, so don't be discouraged guys! You can snag your very own dream girl using the same exact strategy. Read on.......

I like LOVE guys. I love their clothes, their company, their scents and their (wink) appendages. Being that I spend around one third of my life in poker rooms, most of my friends are men. I think they like hanging out with because even though I love the color pink, freak out at the sight of a spider and most of my shoes are 6" stillettos, I'm not the "delicate flower" type AT ALL. I play poker, use the word "cunt" freely and would prefer Red Sox tickets over flowers any day. I can also stuff some ones in a thong with the best of 'em. Yup... I'm a cool chick.

Because they can be themselves around me, guys enjoy my company and let me in on their secret world. Like many women with mostly male friends, however, I do not have a boyfriend. For some reason my complete and flawless understanding of the male mind does not make me more attractive to them. What DOES make me more attractive to the boys is the fact that I am nuts. Yup. Mad as a hatter, that's me. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Men love crazy women! They can't get enough of us! Not crazy as in kooky, quirky, shoot from the hip crazy... but crazy as in foaming at the mouth, pig-fucking, straightjacket wearing, "They're coming to take me away hee hee, they're coming to take me away ha ha.." crazy. Until yesterday I thought it was a coincidence that all of my friends have dated psychos. But then my friend TJ mentioned he would 'beat it' in reference to this schizophrenic chick we know. Or did he say 'smash it'...?  Oh well, doesn't matter. Point is; it dawned on me in that moment that there was a pattern here. I pried a little bit and, yep, it's true: rumor in the men's department is that crazy chicks are the absolute best in bed, and therefore, Grade A Prime Man Magnets.
. 

So, you're probably asking yourself, "How do I get my hands on a ticket for a cruise on the 'SS Crazy Chick'? I could use a little BAH CHICKA WAH WAH!". Well, relax ladies, I've got you covered. Using, ummm, absolutely no personal experience at all, a lot of poker table man-gossip and my best friend's diary (sorry Dana), here's a guide to scoring Mr. McDreamyballs and eventually turning him into a straight up broken mess who will never question 'Why?', but simply accept and worship you for the lunatic you are. Okay, nutbags-to-be, let's begin! Welcome to Crazy Chick 101...

The First Two Dates: Play it cool. Do the flirty, manipulative things normal girls do like ask prying questions about his past relationships and take food off his plate without asking (doing it with your hands is a bonus). Make sure not to give away any details about where you work, who your friends are, or what you like to do. Men love overbearing yet vague women.

Third Date: This is traditionally the 'sex' date, but you should pretend like he's not going to get any at all. Only let him kiss you on the cheek and keep three feet away from him at all times. Wait until he's turning around to go home then call him back, take him upstairs and pull out all stops. Make sure it's some nasty, wild, ass-slapping, hair-pulling, household pet-utilizing super sex. You have a reputation to uphold.

HOT TIP: A nice variation on this is giving a killer blowjob on the second date then refusing to sleep with him for six months, saying that you need to 'get to know him better.' **Improper boundary issues = man catnip. ROWWRRR!


Fourth Date: He's hooked. It's time to start singing, and a lot. It doesn't matter what kind of voice you have, just make sure to be enthusiastic. Preface this by asking him coyly what he thought of you on your first date. After he answers that, he'll ask you what you thought of him. This is your cue to fall backwards so he'll have to catch you, throw open your arms and let out a loud, major chord, "WELL---" Launch into a snappy, Broadway-esque song and dance number that gives a step by step description of your relationship so far. Make sure to rhyme 'carving knife' with 'loving wife' at some point. Sing often. In the car, at the bar, in bed. Sing an epic poem about the adventures of your cats. Sing angry grrrl power songs about that time he forgot to call you. Sing sad songs about the summer you were bulimic. Sing! If for some reason he puts on music, just hum or whistle a different song over it. (Think Twinkle Twinkle Little Star over Black Dog by Led Zeppelin.)


Fifth Date: Find a new hobby or belief system. Go extreme: kelp farming, furry sex, veganism, Scientology . Insist that he join you. Try to get his friends involved. Create and photocopy your own brochures to bring to his poker games. Find his mom's address and mail her some copies. Don't be shy!
                                                                                                      
Seventh Date: This is the perfect date to have a Reconciliation Party. Issue paper invitations to his friends and family with a full text description of what he did wrong and what habits he changed to get you back. Decorate excessively. Go to a party store and have them do that thing where they put photos of your faces on balloons. Do not invite anyone that you've known for more than 72 hours. Invite strangers and casual acquaintances and treat them like soulmates.   
You: "This is Pablo. We met in the subway station yesterday and he told me the most moving story about a lost pickle. Next week I'm going to Guatemala to meet his family."
Pablo: "Que dice, loca?"

Eighth Date: You two are well on your way to a long relationship full of bliss and spontaneity. Get any major body modifications you want done now, so he has time to get used to them. Gang tattoos, clit piercings and pinky amputations are good ways to keep things interesting. Consider using lit cigarettes to etch a floral pattern onto your back. Be creative!

If you're worried about slipping up and falling out of character, don't be!  Craziness is like riding a bike. After a while, being unbalanced will seem natural to you. You'll be sleeping with his nephew, eating cat litter and taking his last name in no time. If he dumps you, use your state of sanity as an excuse to mail him envelopes stuffed with the flayed hides of small animals. He'll be crawling back soon! Literally. Because when his buddies catch wind of what you've been up to, they're gonna kick his ass for being such an easy target. Then you can introduce him to your wood chipper.  Bye bye, Mr. McDreamyballs, hello Mr. McChippynuts!

Okay ladies, you ready? Let's go score us a man minion!