Don't Be Irridiculous...

There are several words and phrases that have been chewing at my sanity for as long as I can remember. Rather than suffer in silence alone, I have decided to share them with you, dear reader... not because I'm trying to change the world, but because misery loves company.

While reading the following examples of said words and phrases, ask yourself if they truly make sense.  If you answer "no", you're one smart cookie - and you are invited to boycott each and every one of them with me.

*Spoiler Alert: If you answer "yes", you're an idiot. Okay - let's begin, shall we? 


"Fuck the shit out of her"
Here is a common bar phrase uttered by Mr. Alpha Male to his pack while out on the town... He sees a hot girl and tells his boys he'd like to "fuck the shit out of her". Really? You want to perform coitus at such a vigorous rate as to cause the female to defecate? If I were you, Mr. Alpha Male, I think I'd rather "fuck the shit up inside her so that she never craps again." After all, a girl that puts out and never craps is totally the marrying type. Yeah. THINK about it... 


"Literally"
If you don't know what it means, don't use this word in a sentence... PLEASE?? I heard a woman say, "That driver was going so fast! He was literally flying down the road." No he wasn't. He doesn't have wings and he was not soaring above the road, gliding through the air.

How many times does a person need to say "I was literally scared to death" before someone replies with "Impossible, asshole, unless you were dead when you just said that..."  ???? 

Here's the proper use of "literally": You literally don't have a clue about how to use the word "literally". I'd like to beat the shit out of every person who uses the word "literally" when they are speaking figuratively... literally beat the shit right out of them, I tell ya. And hey - if I BEAT the shit out of 'em, some cretin can't FUCK the shit out of 'em.


"Who gives a crap?"
Has anyone ever given you a crap? I've received a crappy gift, a crappy haircut and crappy advice, but no one has ever given an actual crap to ME. Clearly, people don't give handfuls of crap out as freely as some people say they do. 

"Irregardless"
C'mon, really? This one's just irridiculous. 


"Balls out/Balls To The Wall"
This phrase seemingly indicates a point in time when someone is making an extra special effort to get a task completed. Personally, if I had balls, I'd prefer to go "balls covered." In fact, if you are performing something so risky that it calls for a "balls out" type of effort, it would be best if you protected the nuts by keeping them safely tucked in your jeans instead of smashing them into random walls... No? 


"At the end of the day"
It seems that things only get settled "at the end of the day", especially for those involved somehow in sales or marketing.  Why has "first thing in the morning" been cut out of our lives? Are things automatically summed up at midnight? The next time someone says, "Well, at the end of the day, it's all about client relations",  I encourage you to respond with, "What's it all about at the beginning and in the middle of the day, douchebag? Client relations can eatabagadix for breakfast & lunch, I guess."

(Note: also see such worthless sales/marketing rhetoric as "it is what it is" and "when all is said and done".) 

"Taking candy from a baby"
Even if you have the parenting skills of John Phillips, you know babies don't eat candy. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say "as easy as taking dignity from a crack whore" or "as easy as taking the ass-virginity of an altar boy"?

"Berfday"
TH! TH! TH!!! Put your tongue against your top teeth & blow out. Hear that sound?? Now say "BURR" before you do that & "DAY" afterwards. Voila!! You just said birTHday. Same sort of reasoning applies to "muhvvuh".  Your moTHer will be so proud of you when you get this one down pat.

Remember, kids... practice makes perfect. Begin your training today!