And speaking of the walking dead...

By Kim Shannon on 10:36 PM

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Once again, I must apologize to my loyal (and obviously insane) readers for my recent lack of posts. What I've been doing in my absence is simply enjoying the outdoors before the last weeks of summer are gone. I HAD to get a little sun time - I was starting to look like a vampire.

And speaking of the walking dead, what the fuck is up with grown adults incessantly  talking about how they love to read the 'Twilight' series? Seriously, these books are meant for teenagers. I don’t care that you think adults can enjoy them too...they’re not for you. Sweet Imaginary Baby Jesus - just let it go.

Inevitably these stories-for-tweens-lovin' freaks corner you with the relentless and infuriating bloodsucker inquisition. I’ll usually try to politely break the news that 'Twilight' isn’t really my thing, and hopefully gently deflect the topic. Very rarely does the information that I haven’t read any of the books get a pass. Thus begins the conversation I've had a thousand times:

“Really, you haven't read 'Twilight'?! Oh, you should, they’re great.”
"Yeah, I've-"
"They're not just for kids! You should read one, you'll love it!"
“Nah… I don’t think I’d really enjo-“
“That’s what I thought and then I read just one, and now I’m hooked!”
“Great, but I’m still not –“
“Just read one, I promise you’ll get into it! You can borrow mine.”

Damn people, back up OFF my puss - are you getting paid for this? Is this a pyramid scheme? Wait, I get it…this is Scientology, right?

I swear these people are a hair cut and a robe away from crazy. I’m talking matching turquoise running suits crazy. 

Listen 'Twilight' people, I haven’t read the books. I will never read the books. Ever. Understand? Actually, you know what? I don’t think you DO understand me, so let me make it very clear…

I would rather swallow a roll of razor wire.

I would rather eat a used baby diaper.

I would rather forcibly shove a glass thermometer deep into my cervix and smash it with a hammer.

I would rather ride a unicycle with a machete for a seat.

I would rather sucker punch a gang member and try to run away wearing ski boots.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I get invited by Bill and Ted to travel back in time to cut Jesus’ umbilical chord with a lightsaber.

I would rather drink a gravel and Drano smoothie.

I would rather wipe my ass with fiberglass insulation.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day Mr. T stops pitying fools.

I would rather have unprotected sex with a Taiwanese transsexual.

I would rather swim in a dumpster full of vomit.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I stick my tongue out at the Pope and knock his hat off.

I would rather siphon a septic tank.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I breakdance fight a sasquatch, and lose.

I would rather open mouth kiss a crocodile.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I have a three way with the Green Lantern and Skeletor on the back of a unicorn.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I pull a switch blade on E.T. over an argument concerning Brazil’s steadily growing agricultural market, and the impact on U.S. farming economy.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I have a harmonica jam with the FOX news anchors.

I would rather brush my teeth with shitpaste.

I'd rather be buried alive.

The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I give Papa Smurf a beej in the bathroom at Castle Greyskull.

'Twilight' fans, listen to me. And listen good, you vile buncha conformists... STOP trying to recruit me to your inner reading circle! I will NEVER read 'Twilight'. Ever. Truth be told, I would prefer to read a more creative work of fiction. Something that's REALLY 'out there', as opposed to yet another tired vampire saga. You know, something a bit more imaginative... like the bible.

You have all been named douchebag of the day for your poor reading list choices. On a scale of one to ten, fuck off.

10 comments for this post

HAHAHAHA! I totally agree. Talk about brain-dead..."Twilight" is definitely for dead brains. I really hate the fact that any art-form....be it literature, TV shows, movies, art in general (paintings....blah, blah, exhibits, has really turned to shit. I am referring to popular "art" if that is what you want to call it. What happened to quality? T.V., computers (abuse of that is), video games, modern technology, etc, has really allowed for people to take their brains out and flush them down the toilet. Me? Well, I still have a brain and so apparently do you. Why can't people see the absurdity of the cheap crap that is being dished out to the public? Boo hoo!!!! Bleh!!! Oh, yeah, Did you hear about "Twilight"? That shit is da bomb. IDIOTS!

Posted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009  

oops...grammar...(paintings....blah, blah, exhibits),has...

Posted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009  

Now that's the Kim we know and love. I mentioned 'Twilight' to my 13 yr old niece, & she wondered why an adult would WANT to read about teenagers when they had their own books? So there you have it!

The 3-way on a unicorn is a painful visual. I have a bible you can borrow ;)

Posted on Wednesday, August 26, 2009  

Genius! I completely agree. "Some angst ridden, misogynistic vampire garbage...really you want me to read that shit? Next thing you'll be telling me that Harry Potter is for adults. Loser. Read a proper book like Crime and Punishment you dick."

Posted on Wednesday, August 26, 2009  

Hey I read twilight when I was pregnant so does that mean I am not crazy since I was obviously under some kind of weird influence. I do not push the series on others.

Posted on Wednesday, August 26, 2009  

In all thanks for following my blog if it wasn't for that finding yours would be like finding dust in a fog bank . but it all due seriousness i enjoyed looking through your posts it was a delight to see a madness in the every day dull drums of normal crapaholies . your the best at throwing out a howling bark in the trash of idiosyncrasies . I need to take notes on your pages you have more links triggers an additions than I have ever seen . I'll have to go back to actually see if I can find any posted adds an click one to show a little support towards you . I tell ya If an I stress If we , us crazies could all merge together an form a add click union we could actually cover a lot of ground an by throwing add clicks at eash others blogs the financial aspect of actually earning money out of our hard pressed out writings could eventually be an ammount to something . I posted my profile URL to all my blogs In my identity reference .I have quite a few blogs plus several on bipolar insanities . plus a visit to the insane asylum an a tale of 2 weeks pt 1 an 2 and several other drawn out dribbles please feel free to comment tell me what you think an pour out a thought or two of add click returns back n fourth . i do know it only registers one click per ip address on each blog front but hey one is better than none .
Cheers to ya Dirtdog

Posted on Thursday, August 27, 2009  

DirtDog, Sounds like a helluva good idea!

Posted on Thursday, August 27, 2009  

I couldn't agree with you more. It's just like those ADULTS who read Harry Potter. I don't get it and never will. Grow up and read a book written for adults already. Geez.

Posted on Sunday, August 30, 2009  

I agree with you so much that there are not words to emphasize it enough! I thought it was bad enough when my youngest tried to recruit me, but then the (adult) cashier at Target tried to recruit me the other day. Why would any adult want to read 'Twilight?????' It's a teen vampire romance novel and no amount of vampire will change the teen romance part!!! I will never, ever read 'Twilight' and I love most things vampire. I also never say 'never' about anything, but I'm pretty sure about this one.

Have a great day!

Raven

Posted on Sunday, August 30, 2009  

This was rich.

There should be more bloggers like you in my life/blogroll.

Posted on Sunday, April 04, 2010  
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