It was so romantic, I swooned.
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Right off the bat, I'd like to announce the winner of Monday's Douchebag of The Day.

Here's how it went down:

I was at a fairly crowded pub yesterday, having a beer with a friend of mine. We were engaged in deep and philosophical conversation about religion and the meaning of life. Um... Okay, I lied. We were actually talking about lip gloss... so what? Even sarcastic and cynical girls like to look pretty. A well conditioned lip is very important, in fact it is practically a law in 48 states. Is it okay with all of you judgemental bastards if we move on now? Gee, thanks.

Anyway, out of the corner of my eye, I could see him approaching. I see him at this bar frequently. I almost talked to him once, but his attire alone told me he was "one of those". His pants were like a cheap hotel - no ballroom. They were so tight, I could make out his camelnose from a distance of thirty feet. Gross.

My plan was to make the ol' fake call to my imaginary boyfriend, but he got to me before I could retrieve my cell phone. Damn this huge purse! Damn it to the bowels of hell!

I was just about to say "I'm married. To a UFC fighter. A BIG one. Plus, I'm a lesbian. A crippled lesbian. In fact, I'm a married, crippled BLIND lesbian. Oh, and did I mention that I'm bipolar to boot? You wanna take me out?" but he beat me to the punch, and came out with this brilliant one liner:

"Have you always been this cute?" Ugh. Really? That's his big opening dazzler? I wanted to punch him in the neck. But before I could make a fist and wind up, he continued his charming introduction with another question;  "My face is leaving in 5 minutes. You wanna be on it?"

Say whaaaaaaattttt !?!?  This guy obviously has a death wish. I just sat there, speechless, debating about whether I should hurl my drink at his face, or donkey punch him in the balls. But before I knew it, I was talking. Aloud. Without knowing what I was about to say. Uh oh.

What I ended up saying was "Hell yeah big daddy! Lets go - I lovvvve to party!!! Wait. Do you have a condom? Eh, nevermind. I'm already 5 months pregnant anyway... Hey, can we grab some whiskey and a little bit of meth before we go? And I have to stop at my house because my "business manager" is supposed to come by to collect. Oh, by the way - you DO have cash on you, right?" Then I shut up and just looked at him.

He blinked a couple of times, then turned around and ran to the exit. Literally jogged... Hah! Take THAT, asshole. How'd it feel to be degraded? And I heard your friend, who was obviously embarrassed, say "You can WALK home. What the fuck! You ALWAYS gotta fuck with someone!"

So in recognition of his illustrious accomplishment, this pitiful caveman is awarded my raised middle finger, along with a two year supply of behind-the-back trashing of his character accompanied by snickering, pointing and snide remarks. It'll be impossible for him to live it down.

There's one more thing.  To honor his bravery in the face of danger (kimminentdanger, that is)  his name will be engraved on the well known and much talked about "Wall Of Scumbags None Of The Girls At Any Of The Bars and Clubs Will Ever Even THINK About Sleeping With, Even Out Of Pity or Desperation"

Congratulations fuckface; your parents must be so proud.

Ok - with that business out of the way, I want to announce that tomorrow's post is already in the works, and it features an actual transcript of one of the funniest conversations I've ever had via instant messaging. It DOES get a bit politically incorrect... some people may even call it insensitive and obnoxious. If you can't stand controversy, don't come around to read it.

I do have a disclaimer to protect myself from lawsuits, and will be posting it by morning.

16 comments for this post

Love your comeback. Perfect.

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

Awful chat up lines. Great response.

The worst chat up line I've ever heard used was: "We can do this one of two ways, rohypnol or necrophilia."

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

You tell the would cost him alot more if he really had a chance in hell..
you make me roar..with laughter thanks kim
your writings are fabulicious..

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

That is the funnest thing that I have ever heard. I may have to borrow it. Who the f says that "my face is leaving, you want to be on it"...and ill gross to tight pants.

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

Sheri - Thanks! I dont wanna pat myself on the back or toot my own horn buthonk honk & pat pat pat! I thought it was pretty good too. ;)

mysterg - roofies or necrophilia!! LOL. At least he showed a bit of imagination... but creativity doesn't excuse him from being an asswipe.

midnight - fabulicious... HAH! I'm using that one on the next person I compliment. HAH! You're a maniac... :)

Dani - You have my express permission to use it at any time... But I hope you never have to. ;)

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

My first trip here to your blog, and oh shit! Funny stuff! Did this guy have a mullet and a wifebeater too?

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

that is both the funniest and saddest thing i have ever heard.the guy must have an IQ of 4 and a personality of a rock.the only thing he got right was picking a beautiful lady,sad he had to open his mouth,though.if i had been sitting there i am afraid i would have had to punch him in the head for saying stupid s**t like that to a lady,it really gets me irritated to hear that kind of thing.what an idiot..!thanx for sharing,it was really funny.jerry a.

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

That is the funniest fucking thing I've read ALL DAY. I had to do a double take when I was reading because SURELY it wasn't true. Yet, it was. Best comeback ever. Are you sure he didn't actually shit his pants on the way out?!? :)

Posted on Tuesday, July 14, 2009  

That is the most hilarious real-life scenario I have ever heard!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who could even think up something as genius as this?!? You rock. You just rock. I have a whole new level of respect for you! And while I almost feel sorry for the guy, I totally don't because a)he deserved it and b)he got to witness your wit and charm :)

Posted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009  

I almost pissed myself laughing. That'll teach the smarmy cunt.

Will be using a similar line next time some arsehole tries a similarly wankerish line with me. Thanks Kim ;-)

Posted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009  

"My face is leaving in minutes. You wanna be on it?"-BRILLIANT!!!! I would have asked him if he knew Henry O'Malley and that, obviously, he has fallen victim to the white noise...."Do you want to see my rash? I love rashes....want to see my booger collection?...What is grosser than gross? I never shower and I pick my ass...Are you, by chance, a Space Vampire? What?! I can't hear you!!! What?! Leprosy!

Posted on Wednesday, July 15, 2009  

I have heard of some horrible pick-up attempts, but that one takes the cake!!! What a freaking moron. I bet even his mother is ashamed of him. I will definitely be back for tomorrow's post. Politically incorrect, obnoxious and insensitive is just my thing.

Posted on Friday, July 17, 2009  

Hi ;-)

Posted on Sunday, July 19, 2009  

Gotta be the best thing I have read all friggen day. I litterally laughed until I cried...You are just a friggen trip!! LMAO I love the way you come out of theese things. lmao G

Posted on Saturday, July 25, 2009  

haha I a,most fell of my chair laughing please tell me this is true?

Posted on Friday, August 07, 2009  

Good one. Can't blame the guy for trying, though. He saw something he liked, and went for it. Not exactly the best way to do it, true.

Another one bites the dust...

Posted on Tuesday, September 08, 2009  
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