Once again, I must apologize to my loyal (and obviously insane) readers for my recent lack of posts. What I've been doing in my absence is simply enjoying the outdoors before the last weeks of summer are gone. I HAD to get a little sun time - I was starting to look like a vampire.
Inevitably these stories-for-tweens-lovin' freaks corner you with the relentless and infuriating bloodsucker inquisition. I’ll usually try to politely break the news that 'Twilight' isn’t really my thing, and hopefully gently deflect the topic. Very rarely does the information that I haven’t read any of the books get a pass. Thus begins the conversation I've had a thousand times:
“Really, you haven't read 'Twilight'?! Oh, you should, they’re great.”
"They're not just for kids! You should read one, you'll love it!"
“Nah… I don’t think I’d really enjo-“
“That’s what I thought and then I read just one, and now I’m hooked!”
“Great, but I’m still not –“
“Just read one, I promise you’ll get into it! You can borrow mine.”
Damn people, back up OFF my puss - are you getting paid for this? Is this a pyramid scheme? Wait, I get it…this is Scientology, right?
I swear these people are a hair cut and a robe away from crazy. I’m talking matching turquoise running suits crazy.
Listen 'Twilight' people, I haven’t read the books. I will never read the books. Ever. Understand? Actually, you know what? I don’t think you DO understand me, so let me make it very clear…
I would rather swallow a roll of razor wire.
I would rather eat a used baby diaper.
I would rather forcibly shove a glass thermometer deep into my cervix and smash it with a hammer.
I would rather ride a unicycle with a machete for a seat.
I would rather sucker punch a gang member and try to run away wearing ski boots.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I get invited by Bill and Ted to travel back in time to cut Jesus’ umbilical chord with a lightsaber.
I would rather drink a gravel and Drano smoothie.
I would rather wipe my ass with fiberglass insulation.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day Mr. T stops pitying fools.
I would rather have unprotected sex with a Taiwanese transsexual.
I would rather swim in a dumpster full of vomit.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I stick my tongue out at the Pope and knock his hat off.
I would rather siphon a septic tank.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I breakdance fight a sasquatch, and lose.
I would rather open mouth kiss a crocodile.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I have a three way with the Green Lantern and Skeletor on the back of a unicorn.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I pull a switch blade on E.T. over an argument concerning Brazil’s steadily growing agricultural market, and the impact on U.S. farming economy.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I have a harmonica jam with the FOX news anchors.
I would rather brush my teeth with shitpaste.
I'd rather be buried alive.
The day I read 'Twilight' is the day I give Papa Smurf a beej in the bathroom at Castle Greyskull.
'Twilight' fans, listen to me. And listen good, you vile buncha conformists... STOP trying to recruit me to your inner reading circle! I will NEVER read 'Twilight'. Ever. Truth be told, I would prefer to read a more creative work of fiction. Something that's REALLY 'out there', as opposed to yet another tired vampire saga. You know, something a bit more imaginative... like the bible.
You have all been named douchebag of the day for your poor reading list choices. On a scale of one to ten, fuck off.