The Fact That You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean I Didn't Cut Your Brake Lines

By Kim Shannon on 5:49 AM

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I have a friend (and by "friend", I mean a person who I barely know and can hardly stand) who asked me to teach him how to play poker not too long ago. Let me make you aware of one thing... This guy is DUMB. I mean the drooling kind of dumb. The kind of dumb where you spell dumb as "D-U-M" dumb. But I agreed to take him to a poker game and show him the basics. Let me just say for the record that the only thing in my life I regret more is when I accidentally got jalapeno pepper juice on my girly parts when I was really manic. But I'll tell you THAT story another time. (By the way, if I've already told you THIS story, shut the fuck up and listen attentively anyway, you self centered bastard you.)

I'll get to the point. Some of the things that this guy said in public were things I never thought I'd hear spoken aloud. Ever. One shining example is when he said (no word of a lie) "Gum wouldn't be good if it wasn't chewy like gum." Yeah. He said that. My first thought was "Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation, and where's the nearest hardware store?".  But duhhhm guy's snippet of wisdom really got me to thinkin'...

There ARE things that I actually will never hear. Not even ONCE....

* Nah.... Bipolar's no big deal. It's actually kinda fun!
* How do I get more cockroaches INTO my house?
* Confederate flag tattoo or rainbow flag tattoo? Both?
* Yo! Crank up that goddamn oboe. That beat is the shizzy!
* Ever since she had the baby, we've been fucking like rabbits!
* Oh, cool, you have 9 cats.
* I wish that stranger with the pinky ring would come touch my hair.
* This printer ink is a bargain!
* David Schwimmer is so hot! I just wish he looked more Jewish.
* May I please stalk you?
* I caught my husband jerking off to "The View" this morning.
* Do you sell O'Douls by the keg?
* If you spit in my mouth, I'll give you twenty bucks.
* I could eat the shit outta some beets right now!
* Any of you nuns got some blow?
* I think it's sweet that his mother still does his laundry.
* Sunnis...Shiites... What's the difference? We're all the same.
* I love that store - they have the best Tic-Tacs!
* I wish the girls at this party were less hot.
* Scientists have discovered the cure for cancer...prayer.
* I don't hire whites--don't trust 'em.
* Mommy, I want socks and underwear for Christmas!
* I really wish "The Facts of Life" was still on TV.
* Sex with two girls at once?! Gross!
* I can't wait to see how I look in my bridesmaid's gown!
* Good idea! I'd love it if you could flush the radiator after you change the oil!
* Scalpel...No, the dull one.
* That Paris Hilton is so talented...and classy
* I'm going to kick that guy's ass after I finish this Mike's Hard Lemonade.
* This condom feels great!
* The Salvation Army bell ringer, now there's a sweet gig.
* That guy would be hot if he just had more dandruff.
* Oh... I'm sooo hoping my grandson is gay!
* Man, phlebotomists get all the pussy!
* Honey, please take control of the remote.
* Martin Scorsese couldn't direct his way out of a wet paper bag.
* You're BIPOLAR??? I'd never have guessed!
* The fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean I didn't cut your brake lines.

7 comments for this post

Ha Ha. Laughing and laughing! Boy that must've been some evening for you and that guy. Anyhow nice blog. Like your writing style :)

Posted on Tuesday, June 02, 2009  

That list is amazing. Some of those things seemed vaguely familiar... hopefully I won't have to hear those things either!

Posted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009  

They have the best tic-tacs!!!
Nice... I'm going to have to use that one :)

Posted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009  

Kim this is great....Love it

Posted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009  

OKay woman, first off I just hadn't gotten to the friggen emails and internet yet after a few days being off. So I logged in and read this and figured I would come back to it and got your email...lucky for you I am your one and only G lol SO I figured I would post a comment anyway. Threats like that only excite me and usually I wont respond because I just really want them to come find me. Yeah theres another one I bet you never heard!LMao!! Yeah I am a maniac and
Okay now for the comments hahaha...
I have heard allot of what you never thought you that's what makes it soo friggen funny!!Bipolar,never guessed. I have gotten that one the follow up on that one was I just thought you were naturally psychotic..who knew? LMAO Theres a couple more that I have heard but one I never think I will hear is "Can you please have sex w/ me so I can get your std's and crabs??" lol Okay took enough time. Fuckin luv ya you Wierdo Nutbag.
G unit

Posted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009  

Strangest thing I ever heard:
Sat at a small party with some friends, about 9 of us in total. Half of us had never actually met each other before, we were all different groups of friends of the person holding the soiree (wow, I used that word and kept a straight face).
Suddenly one of the girls turns to the guy next to her (who she'd only met that night) and says "Here's a tip for you: If you want to propose to a girl, stick your finger up her ass"

The tumbleweed clattered past as each of us had a minor breakdown trying to comprehend what had just happened. What's worse is she then tried to explain herself!

Ahh, good times.

Posted on Thursday, June 04, 2009  

You mean you don't carry duct tape in your purse? *sigh* it's just me, isn't it? alone again ;)

Ohhh, with the painful amounts of laughter! holy bejeezuz, woman, why have I never encountered your twisty humoured self before? I've been deprived!

Posted on Monday, June 08, 2009  
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