West Coast Livin'...

Over the past year, I've made friends with lots and lots of great people who call L.A. their home. I'll be visiting many of them this summer so I've boned up on my knowledge of L.A. culture. As a gift to you, kiddies, I am sharing what I've learned so that if you visit the greater Los Angeles area to chill with your friends or become a star or whatever, you'll know how to act.

*Spoiler alert: Although on the East Coast, it's perfectly acceptable to yell "Get the fuck outta the road, you fuckin' retahhd!" at an elderly man while he crosses the street, they frown on that in Califor-nye-aye.



So, say someone told you were the most talented chorus member in your schools rendition of “Pippin”... Now you think you have what it takes to tackle life in the land of Milk–N-Honey - Los Angeles.

Well, before you go and buy your one-way bus fare, you need to know The Rules of La La Land. Yes, there are rules and, if you break them, you will be taken straight to the border and sent home, or worse - to THE VALLEY (for serious offenders).

Read up, kiddies, and take note, or suffer a life never knowing what it's like living in the 310. (I know... GANGSTA, right??!!)

Rule #1: Though It Is Always Sunny During the Day, It Snows At Night in LA

I know, I know. Drugs are bad, blah, blah, shut up. What you like to call "Drug Addiction" (such a nasty term), the "hipsters" in L.A. refer to as "partying." It may be 2009 but the truth is, the 80’s are alive and blowing a load all over L.A. Nightlife. Their clubs may close at 1:30, but what what they lack in late night club life, they make up for in "AFTER-HOURS," which is when a lot of a people meet up in some random guy's house in the hills and spew fast nonsense at one another while sweating profusely and obsessively changing radio stations.

Rule #2: Flat Is For The Ground, But Those Bosoms Must Be Round.

Ok, ladies- we know your mothers told you to love yourself, but they don’t adhere to that bullshit in the city of angels.  All females must have a heaping, full bosom-with a C Cup minimum. All females will be subjected to RTC’s (Random Titty Checks) in all bars, clubs, restaurants and shopping areas, and will be asked to wear clothing that shows both your cleavage and stomach (for your BMI and hip- to-waist ratio check) on all occasions.

Those unwilling to cooperate will be labled “Feminazi’s” and sent immediately to San Francisco on a dirty Greyhound Bus.

Rule # 3: If Your Mama Is Alive, a Beamer You Shall Drive

There is a car requirement in Los Angeles that is strictly enforced. You must drive a BMW or higher. The BMW shall always be a convertible, and the make must not be more than two years older than the present date. The color must be Dark Blue, Silver or Black. All other colors will get to sent to Encino. You must drive this car no matter what you do for a living, which means you have the following options:

A. Lie To Your Mother
B. Steal From Your Mother
C. Live With Your Mother (which is more forgivable than not driving a BMW)

Rule # 4: Unless You Want To Be Tossed By the Wayside, Get To The Store And Buy Some Peroxide

Because of Section 43251 of the Los Angeles Hottie Code, absolutely NO brunette females will be allowed to reside in Los Angeles.

You will have 24 hours to lighten both your hair and attitude upon entry. Your blonde of choice may range from "Summer, Buttery" to "White Vivid Video Vixon." The L.A. natives prefer the latter. The more you look like a (high retail) porn star, the better you will fare. There is one exception: Roots. All skanks with the skunk line will be sent to Long Beach, where they can listen to hip hop and wear ADIDAS track pants.

Rule # 5: The Truth Is for Fools, Tell It And You’ll Break The Rules

No negative vibes are allowed in LA... Therefore, you will pretend to love every person you meet, idea you hear, movie you see, food you taste and club you visit. Those who violate this rule by sharing what they call their "opinion” will be sent home to New York.

Rule #6: Broke Is No Joke: A Man Without Money Is Not Very Funny

Men need to flaunt their cash like it’s a big penis at a porn convention. No matter what, you must SPEND, SPEND, SPEND. In times when not spending (such as when you are enjoying the fruits of someone else's spending) you must TALK about how much you have been spending. You may accentuate your statements by flashing labels or inviting people to see expensive items you have recently purchased.

Rule #7: When Discussing all Traffic, Try Avoiding All Havoc

Everyone drives in LA. This means you must quickly learn how to sustain a conversation (for a minimum of twenty minutes time) about how you found an alternate route in between your destinations that helped you avoid the “nightmare” on whatever main route the “average” person would have taken.

Side Note: When referring to highways, you must do so as though they are landmarks.

Example: “I avoided the bumper-to-bumper disaster on the “5” this afternoon!”

Rule #7: When Celebs Hit Your Scene, You Must Always Be Mean

You must see at least three celebrities per week and when recounting the tale, you must share negative details about their dress, weight, skin (especially when involving Lindsey or Britney) and attitude. I know this seems to break rule 5 but the Los Angeleans say it doesn’t…pretend not to notice their inconsistency—that DOES break rule 5.

Rule #8: Sushi Is Yummy, Even If It Hurts Your Tummy

Sushi is delicious! Don’t think so? You had better lie. You will be willing to spend $40.00 on rolls filled with cold fish and seaweed and pretend you want and can afford more, but will “hold off” because you don’t want to “stuff yourself.” You will be starving or broke by the end of the night. If starving, you can use your leftover money for “after hours”, where you will have a little nose candy for dessert and lose your appetite. If you are stuffed and broke, your ass had better beg for bumps all night to burn those extra calories. No fatties allowed in LA. Unless you are a studio head- and you are not a studio head (although you are allowed to say you are to get laid).


Rule #9: Unless You Want To Be Deceased, You Must Never EVER Drive East.

No one goes East of La Brea or South of Olympic—That’s gang member territory.

This rule is only broken if you need a fake ID -or an Abortion. Whore.

Rule # 10: The Place Will Not Be The Same, Once You Speaketh The Name

You went to the hottest ___________ (insert name of spa, club, restaurant, hotel bar) and it was ________________(insert AMAZING, AWESOME, RIDICULOUS). You saw _______________(Insert Hef, Playmates, Paris, Lindsay Lohan) and they were _______________ (Insert: Wasted, Anorexic, Old or Lame).

When your friends go there and complain it was dead, you will respond knowingly, "Yeah - well, I went when it was hot three weeks ago!"

Rule #11: If They Live in the 818, You Must Discriminate

No matter how nice she is, how hot she is, how loaded he is or what his excuse is, you can never, ever date someone in this area code. You may never visit someone in this area code, or you will be shunned. You will be forced to wear something from two seasons ago with a big Scarlet V on it if you are caught sleeping over at someone’s house for ANY reason.

This includes relatives.

In fact, if you have relatives in the 818, you must seek restraining orders against them so that when you become famous you can prove you have not been close to them “for years.”

For Fellow East Coasters who don't get it:

LA = Manhattan
The Valley = Long Island
Inland Empire = Jersey

Need I say more?

Now, go and pack your bags (though you will need to purchase new clothes once you arrive, and toss those undies (everyone goes commando in La La Land). Kiss your soul goodbye and say hello to your new best friend, Satan.