Ok - so let's talk about cliches.
I like them... And the cheesier the better as far as I'm concerned. I've been hearing them a lot lately, thanks to a friend of mine who has a love thing for one of the all time greats, which we will touch upon later. She largely inispired this list, so thank you Samantha (MiniMom) - I owe ya one.
The thing is: I think there are some cliches that should be used WAAAYYY more often, but not in the boring and tiresome way they're usually used in. (C'mon - you know me better than that...)
So... I have created a list of classic cliches (along with their accompanying hand gestures) that have been translated into Kim-glish. Please memorize them and use them as often as possible. And if you have any to add - feel free to do it. Because "That's How I Roll"...
Okay - let's get this party started.
1.“Those Are Odds I Can Live With”
This cliche means everything and nothing at all, and is usually used like this:
Fred: “Hey Bob - if you drink even one more beer, you’re going to go blind. Like legally blind. For real.”
Bob: "Those are odds I can live with." (shrugs and drinks beer anyway)
Here's the new way:
“Hey ____,(your name) wanna grab a few beers?”
With palms facing each other in a V formation, you shrug and reply, “Those are odds I can live with.”
**Feel free to laugh to yourself after saying this. I mean, shit, you're a funny oddsmaker and you know you just confused SOMEBODY.
2. “Up One Side And Down The Other”
Like most cliches, this one can be used as sexual innuendo... but it usually refers to something being uniformly and completely what it is... For example: "My new Apple computer is one hell of a piece of technology. It is built with sheer precision, up one side and down the other.
The new way:
Waiter: “Are you enjoying your meal?”
You: “Up one side and down the other, thank you very much”
**Feel free to do a diving roller coaster motion with your hand to drive the point home. And don't forget to cap it off with a casual wink.
3.“I Wouldn’t Kick Her Out Of Bed”
This one is especially nauseating. Sometimes people will add something to the end of it, usually some kind of infraction they would overlook - like "for eating crackers" or something equally as asinine.
The only way to use the NEW version of this one effectively is when referencing something non-female and preferably inanimate:
You're asked, “So what do you think about lasagna for dinner tonight?”
You reply, “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed”
**Make sure to make some humping gestures after you say this. If you’re on you’re cell phone make “aree aree aree” sounds or however a squeaking bed sounds to you.
4. "To Be Honest With You”
“To be honest with you” has always been a great way to begin a statement that's pure and utter bullshit, and because it's so overused, everyone KNOWS. So since it's so obvious anyway, let's make it even more obvious for the new version...
A stranger at the mall asks you “'Excuse me... Do you have the time?"
Keeping your best poker face on, you say, “Well to be honest with you,” and roll up your sleeve a bit, look at your watch, give the face a little buff and polish, roll your sleeve back down and say “I left my watch at home, sorry Chief."
**Before you walk away make sure you do this: Moving in a grandiose way, take your cell phone out and bring it up to eye level. Make it obvious that you are again looking at the time by squinting in a really exaggerated way while you look at the screen. Proceed to put the phone away then say this: "So long Buddy. Sorry I couldn't help you. To be honest with you, I don't even carry a cell phone anymore because it's always flashing the time." Wink and walk away.
5.“I'd Tell You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You."
You really can’t overuse this classic gem. So use it as you normally would, but the new version has a surprise ending...
Your friend asks "what are you doing this weekend?" and you say "I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you." Chuckle, tell them your plans and go about business as usual.
**Here's the twist:
Every day for the next week, remind your friend that you're gonna have to kill them. Send them a series of emails containing links to websites that focus on random ways people are murdered (by being poisoned slowly, by having their brake lines cut, by being caught off guard from behind and strangled with piano wire...etc.) When this has gone on for about a week, call your friend and say "Hey - let's go camping in the mountains this weekend, just me & you... Nobody else around for miles and miles... let your voice fade off in a day-dreamy way.
6. "I Really Shouldn’t”
People generally use this one when offered a slice of pie even though they would never pass up a yummy treat.
The new version of this cliche will be used when someone offers you something that is either a custom or simply necessary, like a Kleenex box when you’re sneezing or a menu when you sit down at a restaurant. Say it with the same level of precociousness that you would if you were a rubinesque housewife being offered a heaping brownie sunday.
** No matter what you're refusing, be sure to lick your lips in a way that represents desire and lust.
7. “Whatever Happens, Happens”
Previously used as a hollow bit of advice from a shallow friend, you will now use this cliche threateningly.
You: “Want to get together for a drink sometime?”
Them: “Oh - thanks... but I just started seeing somebody..."
You, squinting angrily and with a sneer: "Well... whatever happens, happens”
Use this whenever you are denied a request.
**Pick up a piece of fruit, get real close to the other person's face and take a fierce bite out of it for added effect.
8. “That’s What SHE Said”
Almost too lame and cliched for this list, we’re gonna remodel this one. From now on you will use this cliche at complete random, and not in a Three’s Company type innuendo response to something that a girl might say during sex. The following examples will assist you:
This way is no longer acceptable:
Them: “The storm coming in is a big one”
You: “That’s what SHE said… swish!”
This is how the new version works:
Secretary at your pdoc's office: “So I've got you scheduled for a 3:30 pm appointment on the 12th”
You: “That’s what SHE said”
Secretary: “I don't understand...”
You: "Thats what SHE said"
Secretary: "Look - do you want this appointment or not?"
You: "Thats what SHE said"
Secretary: "That's it. I'm cancelling this appointment."
You: "That's what SHE said, BADA BING"
After delivering that missile, hang up really fast and reflect on your life. and dont worry too much about fucking up your appointment. After all, you win some, you lose some, whats done is done and let's face it - there's no sense crying over spilled milk.