My Control Will Self-Destruct In 3...2...1...

As you can see, my blog is ALMOST back to it's usual beautifully laid out with the exceptionally hard work and blood sweat and tears or yours truly who is about to explode if this template guy doesn't fix it COMPLETELY this time because I am simply seething right now and I'm afraid that if I end this sentence or even attempt to represent a pause of any kind with punctuation including a period or comma or semicolon or even colon for that matter the result will be that i will go purely apeshit and by apeshit i mean i will freak the fuck out like nobody has seen me freak the fuck out before i mean i am talking smoke frfom the ears foaming from the mouth gripping meat cleaver just rocking back and forth with a maniacal grin plastered under my nose but above my chin repeating the phrase must carve the meat must carve the meat over and over again until i find the solution to this problem all on my own or hunt down the template guy and exact my revenge but i think i probably should just take a deep breath for now and try to regain my composure

(((((((((((((((((((((BREATH)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe I should go for two breaths just in case it falls apart...

(((((((((((((((((((((((BREATH))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think my forehead veins are only Oak Tree trunk thick as opposed to Redwood. That's a good sign. Right? RIGHT??????

Doesn't this guy know that he's dealing with a crazy person here??? (booga booga)

Darwinism and Say Whaaaaattttt?

I am the kind of person who lives by the motto "I'll believe it when I see it".  Because of my limited range of trust, I have always been skeptical of the whole Jesus, Mary & Joseph thing. I never believed that Noah had a boat stuffed with animals, and I serious doubted that J.C. rose after 3 days... Even with the technological and medical advances we've made since then, we still can't manage to magically raise the dead. That's some David Blaine shit. The thing is, I may have discovered a hole in Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection because there is absolutely no way that the guy I had the misfortune of meeting today online is of the same species as the rest of us. Sorry Charles - you fucked up and missed something - like I said, this guy can't possibly be of the same species. During a heated game of online poker at Full Tilt Poker , the aforementioned  cretin actually spewed this tidbit of verbal sludge - "Hey Danger, you're  pretty hot. Wanna meet in a private room and have a little fun?" 

Say whaaaaaaat?  

For those of you who aren't familiar with the site, this is what I look like on Full Tilt:

YUP.... I'm a friggin' cartoon character. A cute cartoon character, but a cartoon character nonetheless. There must be some kind of animation fetish that I'm not aware of... Ew. So when this caveman asks me if I'd like to meet in a private room, my first reaction is to throw up in my mouth a little bit. My second reaction is to consider the proposition. Would I like to meet him in a private room for some "fun"??  Hmmmm.....

No. Absolutely not. In fact, I can't think of anything I'd rather do less. 

I can, however, think of things I'd rather do more...

- I'd rather gargle with broken glass.

- I'd rather drink a tabasco and shit smoothie.

- I'd rather eat a popsicle made of hobo drool.

- I'd rather straddle a running sand belt.

- I'd rather watch Gary Busey dance in the nude.

- I'd rather try to stop a lawn mower blade with my tongue.

- I'd rather jump into a lion's den wearing a catnip suit.

- I'd rather fall asleep on a killer ant hill covered in kool aid.

So thanks to "creepy poker game guy", I guess I need to rethink my position on Darwinism.

Let's Dine Out (Submitted by Terry)

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.

Let’s Dine Out

some old bitch toothless for years moving parched
blood cracked lips smack, smack
in,out
metastasized tiara queen snake tongue yellowed by sidewalk
ground cigarettes slap,slap out, in
under her delicate thoughts strewn in rusted grocery cart
with cans and paper and magazines

all rotting

like her that bitch whose name is lost
in her own history in collections untouched
she leads now

i follow like i’m a fool and i don’t know and i can’t notice

she knows what i need she leads to
garbage bins behind pish- posh eateries
she calls me bastard and rapist describes my cock
as a raisin

together we feed the leftovers that were left over but
never salivated on by rich lips or wanted at home by fat wallets
she with gums mushing me, the bastard, chewing civilized in reeking clothes
eating cake, she looks at me like a bleeding lamb

eyes suddenly rainbows hard sun through rain clouds
lucidly she says we should both be dead


yeah

Ever Get The Feeling You're Being Followed?

It's been quite a while since my last post; let me tell you why...
I've officially been stalked for the first time online. In fact, it's the first time I've ever been stalked, period.

As many of you know, I belong to an online support group. Like most support groups, "flaming" in general forums is frowned upon. Thankfully, this group has a thread dedicated to strong opinions, which is appropriately named "The Opinions Page".  This is where the group members can go to post if we have an issue with another member or something they said, general rants, or posts with extra strong language or adult content.
The idea is that if members of the group can confront each other openly and each side is able to say EXACTLY what they'd like to say, uncensored, they can get it off their chest and out of their system so it doesn't interfere with the group dynamics in the general threads. 
But SOME of the time, a member will come into the Opinions Page and voice their disdain about what's being said, the swearing, the name calling, blah blah blahbitty blah. Oh - let me back up for a sec and tell you that there is a HUGE BRIGHT RED WARNING on the very first page of the thread that warns readers/members that they will run into material that is potentially offensive; if they can't handle it, they should turn around and not enter. It also says if they don't turn around but instead decide to enter anyway, they should keep their moral superiority and holier-than-thou attitudes to themselves and just shut the fuck up - they were warned... So like I was saying, every once in a while we'll run into some d-bag who finds it necessary to play judge and jury; they are offended by the content of the thread.  Frankly, I'm offended that they find it offensive - they should be smart enough to heed the warning.  And being the delicate flower I am, I usually have no problem at all letting these jackasses know what I think about their intrusion and it usually includes a few F-bombs as well as a few scattered  "asshole", "douchebag", "dickhead", "dumbass"... "_____________" (insert your own taboo word here - I'm sure I've used it), and definitely a few words that I can't even elude to (just in case my mother reads this).  Usually, the saint either leaves the thread with head hung low (knowing they ignored the warning) or tell me to go fuck myself and we become quick friends... Like I said - USUALLY. But I had a run-in with an extra defensive, insecure, passive-aggressive, self centered moronic individual a few weeks ago...
Apparently, somebody didn't approve of how I handle my business in the "Opinions" thread. As a result, he has been LITERALLY stalking me online. He has been to EVERY SINGLE social network, blog, blog sharing network, article - EVERYTHING I'm a member of, everything I've posted, every blog & article I've ever written. He's left nasty dehumanizing comments and horrible ratings and reviews...
This douchebag left me ratings like 0.1 (on a scale of 1-10) and was bringing down my averages to numbers so low that I've been forced to open new accounts, change emails & screen names - the whole 9 yards... or "yaahds" for those of u who know me LOL)
So bottom line is that I've been refraining from posting ANYTHING ANYWHERE so I could get my shit straight while attempting to get rid of him.
I finally threatened to sic the internet crimes people on him, and I think he's stopped. (PUSSY...) A lot of the reviews he left are deleted now - I'm not sure if HE deleted them or if the sites that I complained to did, but either way, I'm satisfied.
YEAH - I'M STILL PISSED. But at least he's not stalking me anymore (or I don't THINK so anyway)!

So I can get back to brass tacks... thanks for the concerned messages - I can't believe you even noticed my absence. Wait - are you stalking me too?? GULP!