My Name Is Kielbasa And My Parents Are Insane

By Kim Shannon on 5:57 PM

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So, kiddies, have you heard yet that Nicole Richie named her baby boy "Sparrow"? Yup. Famous people are nuts.

Any marquee player has a resume chock full of bizarre-o arrests, hideous significant others, unlikely career moves, questionable religious/political affiliations, numerous rehab stints and, if you’re lucky, a double homicide.

These events have become all-too-familiar to us commoners. We have become an un-shockable society with but one exception. The famous breed still holds one torch above all that makes us scratch our collective head in wonderment and makes our jaw hit the pavement. This is, of course, the naming practices applied to their offspring.

We gasped at “Apple”, guffawed at “Banjo” and as I already said, Nicole Richie named her baby boy "Sparrow" just today. But these are the mild names of the bunch. Bono named his son (and I am not even close to kidding) “Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q”. I should take a picture of my facial expression, because a written word can’t come close to my confusion on this one.

                                             KIELBASA'?!!? You named me after a fucking sausage??!!?

Because we are also a society of celebrity whores, this trend is starting to creep into our every day lives. I just met a baby named “Pearl”. Here, I thought I was meeting an infant, not a 90-year-old grandma. Because of the prevalence of this trend, I feel it is important to make sure that us plebes give our kids a lifetime of harassment the right way, with the same tools the celebs use. The secret to the madness lies in the “Celebrity Baby Name Generator".

Actors, musicians, athletes, models, socialites and government officials alike have followed these formulas to gain tabloid notoriety on their innocent spawn’s behalf. The Generator doesn’t only take care of the first name, it provides a middle name, and in some cases, extra names for good measure, à la Bono. Please feel free to mix and match, or choose your favorite formula and let the naming of unborn fetuses begin!

Formula #1 (Actor)
First name: Jam or Jelly Preserve
Middle name: Flower
i.e.: “Marmalade Rose”

Formula #2 (Musician)
First name: Cold cut
Middle name: Last name of a Dead Movie Star
i.e.: “Salami Gable”

Formula #3 (Athlete)
First name: Infectious Disease
Middle name: English Slang
i.e.: “T.B. Crikey”

Formula #4 (Model)
First name: One of the Seven Deadly Sins
Middle name: Color (vowel must be dropped)
i.e.: “Envy Blu”

Formula #5 (Boys)
First name: Famous Conqueror
Middle name: African American Name
i.e.: “Caesar Jamal”

Formula #6 (Girls)
First name: Boy's Name Spelled Wrong
Middle name: French Curse Word
i.e.: “Dillan Merde”

Formula #7 (Socialite, Government Official)
First name: Pretentious New England town
Middle name: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
i.e.: “Hampton Raphael”

Extra Names (add one or more of the following):
- Any Letter of the Alphabet
i.e.: “Branden Rippley G.”

- Name of Dead Pet
i.e.: “Jemima Cola Fluffy”

- Anything that sounds sacreligious
i.e.: “Alfie Dingo Saint Peter”

If all else fails, just don your child with a bunch of regular names, in the style of one of Mick Jagger’s 37 kids, “James Leroy Augustine Jagger”. Notice the mixing and matching of the formulas, with a relatively normal outcome. Doing a lot of hallucinogenics may also get the creative juices flowing.

My prediction is that while other celebrity copycat trends may fade, obscene baby names are here to stay. So, use the Celebrity Baby Name Generator frequently, and use it wisely. Just remember, Jonathan Daniel and Thomas Matthew are not going to grow up in the norm. Basil Toupee and Abacus Brick are going to be the kids kicking ass and taking names on the playground.

10 comments for this post

I think there is something missing in themselves that they have to name their kids such goofy names. It would be easier if they just started an orphanage and named the kids as they came in.

You know have all these celebrity orphanages. You go in and order a cute kid with a supercool name. BAM!

Aw NUTS! Excellent post Kim. There is some little Kielbasa's running loose right now...

Posted on Thursday, September 10, 2009  

As ever, great post.

I concur that famous people are mental. They make those of us with psychiatric diagnoses look sane :p

In Northern Ireland, the trend to name your children ridiculous stuff has really caught on. Mercedes (I'd rather be called Aston Martin, thanks....Actually, if I was a bloke, I WOULD!). Chardonnay (Sauvignon Blanc, please!). Jockles (I shit you not - kid who goes to the school opposite my house). The list goes on.

What worries me is the potential dangers to the children. The parents may like the preposterous names, but seriously - do they really want to put their kids through potentially YEARS of bullying?!

Posted on Thursday, September 10, 2009  

If you want to get all automated-like try the Celebrity Baby Name Generator at

Posted on Thursday, September 10, 2009  

LOL So true! Can you imagine a president with those names? Caaaa razy!!

Posted on Friday, September 11, 2009  

Haha, I love this. Your formulas are very accurate too.

Posted on Friday, September 11, 2009  

This is hilarious. And the baby picture is even funnier.

Posted on Saturday, September 12, 2009  

This is hilarious. And the baby picture is even funnier.

Posted on Saturday, September 12, 2009  

I was thinking of naming my baby boy Pinkyface Cannonball. I think that is really original and no one will beat him up at school and/or call him a fag or anything. It's all about me. I'm a celebrity.

Posted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009  

I get asked all the time where my sons middle name came from, ruel (rule). It is a family name, maybe some of them are family names. I am a firm believer in boys names for girls.

Posted on Thursday, September 17, 2009  

my 5 year old granddaughter was trying to help name the new baby girl to be born-she came up with Broccoli Fruit- of course the parents went with Natalie Ann.
Though I have to say Broccoli Fruit does have a ring to

Posted on Sunday, March 06, 2011  
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