Pack up your eyeliner & get the hell outta my poker room...

By Kim Shannon on 6:15 AM

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The honor of Douchebag of the Day is awarded to the emo brat who has taken up residence in my favorite poker room. This mouthy little asshole just turned 21 two weeks ago, and has been standing on my last nerve ever since. I hate his attitude, I hate his style of play, I hate his voice and I hate his face. If there wasn't a rule against verbally attacking another player in the poker room, this is what I'd say to his smarmy little moon face:

Listen up you little punk... you don’t like me, and I’d rather date an amputee with chronic halitosis than deal with you. But seeing as how we share the same oxygen in the same poker room, and even though you are the CEO of FuckingAnnoying, Inc., I feel compelled to tell you a few things. I know you just turned 21, so you're still technically a "kid". I'm well aware that conventional standards dictate that you should be playing stickball and catching frogs, or something... what do normal kids your age DO, anyway??? But I’ve had it with you and your pissy attitude & horrific poker table etiquette. There are kids one quarter of your age making t-shirts in Malaysia. Why don’t YOU go out and get a job; make yourself useful. Cut my lawn. Wash cars. Pirate DVDs. Make me some fucking pants.

                               I win!! Just in time too... gotta hurry home to check my MySpace messages

While we're on the matter of clothing... what the fuck is your problem? How many shades of black can you possibly have? Did I miss the part of "Being Hardcore 101" that states, "The amount of black t-shirts with shitty band logos owned is directly proportional to the wearer’s intimidation factor"? I must have. Because even with your Cannibal Corpse tee and Valium-level Relaxed-fit jeans, you're still about as scary as a cartoon bunny riding a My Little Pony through a rainbow.

You know what IS scary, though? How much your parents are going to have to pay the shrink when you start screwing cats and taking apart the stereo to "stop the government from monitoring the tracking device in your penis." Or the lawyer's retainer when you start acting out because Daddy didn't nurture your sports skills and you didn't get to hang out with the jocks. Honestly asshole, even with a Hall of Fame coaching staff and his own stadium, Stephen Hawking (like you—minus the intelligence and good looks) would never make it to the big leagues. Some people were meant to play ball and others were meant to play WITH balls. You’re the latter. Deal with it, Queerbait. So you didn’t get to hang out with Joe Quarterback and bang the head cheerleader in your Mustang. WAAAAAAAAHHH. Cry me a fucking river. Does this mean you have to play poker? And more importantly, does this mean you have to play poker WITH ME?

Don’t give me the whole, “I'm not really the complete asshole I make myself out to be... there’s just so much pressure on young adults these days, man. You don’t get it.” Sorry that the huge burden of turning your parent's basement into your own little slice of heaven and living there for free IS SOOOOO unjust. You should probably freak out and burn the casino down, you little sociopath. I know it must be hard to learn any adult social skills... I mean, you don't have that kind of time, what with all your extra-curricular activities like MySpacing the shit out of Katie DiPastillo because Kurt Bradford said he touched her boobs UNDER the bra and playing micro stakes on Full Tilt Poker. Maybe you should spend a little less time being depressed and wearing mascara because its cool and jerking off to Hannah Montana.

Perhaps I’m being a bit optimistic, but I think you'd probably pass for a half decent poker player if you and the rest of the Shitstain Crew took a break from spray-painting your lame gang signs on the parking garage. Trust me, no one is concerned about your claimed turf, including the 1400 people that park there. If you want to boost your street cred, I'll be more than happy to drop you off in South Providence so you can get some pointers from the experts. If they don't make you an ashtray or a pin cushion for used needles, maybe you can get some wardrobe advice and career counseling. Sound good, Sport?

Although you’re going to continue to annoy the living piss out of me until you turn 25 or decide to permanently shut the fuck up, you do have some redeeming qualities... If I knocked you unconscious, I’m certain you’d do a bang-up job as a doorstop.

Please go make like a mime and bleed to death in my trunk.

9 comments for this post

I loved this post. Some classic quotes right there. "Go make like a mime and bleed to death in my trunk." and “you're about as scary as a cartoon bunny riding a My Little Pony through a rainbow.” I probably can't buy you a drink in person in gratitude for this, but I can paypal you $5.

Posted on Friday, September 11, 2009  

Speaking of douchebags, where are you?

Posted on Friday, September 11, 2009  

This is EmperorNorton and I looked for you at the conference today.

Posted on Friday, September 11, 2009  

Laura Mae - your approval is worth more than any PayPal donation. But I'll gladly accept a Dirty Martini if you're ever in my neck of the asylum. ;)

Joel - *sigh* fucked myself - sent the condensed version to twitter via DM >:(

Posted on Friday, September 11, 2009  

damn kim....i just love this site...wish i made more time to log on....i swear....and i dont mean to suck off (cuz i hate that shit)...but u really express yourself EXACTLY the way i THINK most times.....i sometimes wonder that my way of thinking is way too distorted and harsh...but i just cant fucking help myself.....i hate tolerating shit from people like the asswipe u describe. i bite my tongue...and i bite my tongue...till i frickin explode. u just made my day by writing that blog.

Posted on Saturday, September 12, 2009  

Haa. Great stuff. I have a awesome poker blog with tips,news,resources,polls and more.. Also a web traffic tips and resources blog.. Go to my profile and check them both out. Good Luck!!

Posted on Monday, September 14, 2009  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Posted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009  

Love ya Kim! This post kind of sums up how I feel about most of the population. "I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside"-Morrissey. Yeah, this kid sounds pretty intimidating. After you drop him off in the Providence ghetto, give him to me (dead or alive) and I will drop him off in Bridgeport or the crackhouse section of New Haven; I'm sure he would scare away all the "streetpeople" with his Cannibal Corpse T-Shirt. And by the way, I love black metal because satan makes me laugh, just tell him that Enthroned would kick Cannibal Corpses' ass any day...but then again, what would this plebeian know of the true horrors of this world?

Posted on Tuesday, September 15, 2009  

Don't hold back Kim, tell us how you really feel!! :)

Posted on Wednesday, September 30, 2009  
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