Even A Blind Guy Can See That This Design Is Stupid

By Kim Shannon on 8:25 PM

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So, I was pouring all the quarters from the bottom of my purse into my spring water jug-slash-piggy bank just like I do EVERY time I notice that my handbag is tipping the scales at around 15 pounds. But for some unknown reason (unknown because the only thing that would have made my mind go off in this direction at 4 in the morning would be if I was stoned on marijuana - you know, that stuff the kids smoke... they call it "The Pot", which I most certainly was NOT! - hi mom -  In fact, I don't even know what stoned MEANS...)
Um. where was I? Oh yeah... quarters. For some unknown reason, I could not get past my delirium induced notion that I was "Top Dawg State Quarter Design Critic Extraodinaire".  Here's my final analysis and official report. Bottom line: least appealing design goes HANDS-DOWN to Al-er-bamm-er.

Alabama dropped the ball with their quarter.... I mean, Hellen Keller! What the fuck, guys?

For some states, choosing a design was probably tough. States like California (Condor) and New York (Statue of Liberty, of course) have so much cool shit to choose from that it must have been hard to decide. For other one-trick pony states like Indiana (an Indy car) and Kentucky (a racehorse) it was probably a no-brainer. Even the most useless states like Iowa (lame-ass school house) and West Virginia (some stupid bridge) came up with something that at the very least didn´t make the state look any shittier than it did before. Then there’s Ala-fucking-bama!

The top minds from across the state got together and decided that the most fitting symbol to represent their state was none other than Helen Keller. Helen Motherfucking Keller. Nothing against her, but what does it say about your state when its most distinguished citizen’s greatest achievement was being forced to learn how to communicate with the outside world. Stupid rednecks! How did it come to this?

Alabama’s Governor: OK, listen up people. We need a symbol for our state Quarter that captures the essence of our citizens, history, and culture. So put down your moonshine & grits and get to it!

Top Aid: Uh, how about a blind, deaf mute?

Alabama’s Governor: Bingo! Now crank up the Skynyrd while I cook up some Meth for the NASCAR rally. Robert E. Lee was a great man. I’m so poor and illiterate.

As the cheap joke above demonstrates, Alabama, and the South in general, already has to contend with enough in the way of negative, mostly undeserving, stereotypes. Being compared to Helen Keller, with all her preexisting jokes (…so you can read her lips; …you’d be sad too if your name was ararhahrgahaghgraghagr), is just going to add to Alabama’s image problems. Not to mention the fact that she wouldn’t have been blind, deaf, or mute had she been born in good state, or at least one that wasn’t a scarlet fever-ridden hellhole. Is that something Alabama wants to publicize? What the fuck, guys?

A lot of people are going to say “Listen bitch, Helen Keller is a stirring symbol of overcoming adversity.” Granted, overcoming adversity is something Alabamans probably need to learn about, since they have to live in Alabama. But surely there were other stirring symbols of humanity that that could have been chosen. A quick trip to wikipedia.org’s list of famous Alabaman’s brings up lot’s of great candidates. If it’s inspiration you want, why not Jesse “Fuck Hitler” Owens? Why not Hank “Babe Ruth was a pussy” Aaron? Why not Rosa “I’ll sit where ever the fuck I want” Parks? Oh, wait. Alabama. Never mind.

In Birmingham they love the gov´ner...
And when it comes right down to it, what did the woman accomplish?

“Well, she learned to read Braille and write! Pretty impressive for a blind, deaf mute.”

Bullshit. Her movie isn’t called “the Miracle Worker” because she taught herself to read. Anne Sullivan, her teacher, was the miracle worker. If anybody should be on the fucking quarter it should be her. She taught a blind, deaf mute to read and write, for Christ’s sake! Nobody fawns like an idiot over the people J.C. miraculously cured. They give props to the J-man himself. So why does Helen Keller get to hog Anne Sullivan’s limelight? What a fucking sham!

“But what about all the books she wrote? That’s pretty impressive!”

Big fucking deal. The only way she could communicate with the outside world was by writing things down. It’s pretty easy to write a book when you have to scratch out a paragraph every time you want to pee. That’s like being impressed by a crackhead who’s good with a lighter. It’s what they do.

Now if she had written a graphic novel, even one that was kind of shitty, that would have been fucking impressive. But she didn’t. Maybe her story was inspiring to people in 1902, but in today’s world where exploding alligators are fighting with pythons and pop stars are having crack babies, that shit just IS NOT gonna cut it. By the way, what was your favorite book by Helen Keller?
Exactly.  Me either.

The only things that could have made this design seem like less of a really bad  decision would have been if Idaho's choice was the Aryan Nation compound, or Wyoming chose Matthew Shepherd’s death fence. Way to go Alabama. You’ve lowered the fucking bar yet again. 

Note: When you are done trashing this post, why not list some other shitty state quarters, or even Hellen Keller jokes? Hey - my blog is NO PLACE to be politically correct.  

10 comments for this post

haven't read this yet- but will do- but saw your tweet about mascara! I can't post links to my blog (ppl in my real life don't know about anything of my blog life or bipolar life) but I thought I'd share: http://violet-starr.blogspot.com/2009/03/mascara.html
hehe. I hate mascara too.

Posted on Wednesday, June 17, 2009  

I love that whenever I'm in a shitty mood I can come here and marinate my skinmeats in your brilliance, bile, and bitumen, and come away feeling fantastically flayed. If this blog were a drug I'd inject it into my eyeballs and spend three years violently accusing a lamppost of pedophilia.

Posted on Thursday, June 18, 2009  

Lol, This post is hilarious!!!! I know what you mean about having a load of heavy change in your purse but one benefit of being a Canadian is having coins that add up fast. A dollar or more i one go. The VERY unfortunate bit is that we're stuck calling our coins the stupid names, never mind any design. $1 = Loonie. $2 = Toonie. Can you imagine constantly talking about loonies and toonies all the time every time you open your change purse at a cash register or whatever??? We are all brainwashed into thinking it's normal but to the rest of the world, we all sound psychotic!

Posted on Thursday, June 18, 2009  

Fucking hilarious!! Love it! Thank god I don't live in Alabama. What a bunch of retards.

Posted on Friday, June 19, 2009  

everytime i read ur blog, i admire u more and more. oh to be free to say whatever is on my mind like you do...

marsha
www.didyoutakeyourmeds.com

Posted on Monday, June 22, 2009  

I think it could have been far worse from Aalabama...Helen Keller...yes, ridiculous idea, but at least they didn't put the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan on there, because that is a bigger part of good ol' Alabama heritage...either that or a picture of a brother and sister fucking...with Grandpa jerking it in the background...

Posted on Monday, June 22, 2009  

Aw, poor Alabama. Seriously, what can they say? They can't exactly put inbreeds or an image of a lynched man on there, now can they? But Helen Keller is pretty bad ass. As in that communicating with the world thing was her teen years. She actually was a blazing hardcore feminist/socialist that Wilson wanted to imprison for being a dirty Commie. Bra burner? If she wore them, she would have not only burned it, but then used it as a flaming whip to beat some shit into those misogynist pricks.
xx

Posted on Tuesday, June 23, 2009  

You are soooo funny!! Love this post. Thanks alot for stopping by my blog. Your blog rocks :) Have a great week.

Posted on Tuesday, June 23, 2009  

jeezus or jeebus, whatever you prefer, kim your site rocks...

Posted on Wednesday, June 24, 2009  
Anonymous

Great style. I wish I could write that way.
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Posted on Tuesday, March 22, 2011  
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