I Can't Effing Stand It

By Kim Shannon on 8:59 AM

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Any one of these things has the potential to make my brain bleed...
1. Michael Vick
2. Customer Service people who provide everything BUT customer service
3. "Baby On Board" decals
4. Whoopi Goldberg stickingup for Michael Vick
5. People who drive below the speed limit. Fuck off and pull over.
6. Two facedness. If you don't like me, don't pretend to. Do you see me making nicey nice to you, bitch? Let's just agree to hate each other openly.
7. Right-to-Lifers. The little baby feet pins they peddle? I'd like to take a pair of those little feet and kick them in the ass with it.
8. Radical Feminists who can't take a joke. Go home; shave your legs and wax the ‘stache... all that body hair is making you cranky
9. Passive Aggressive behavior... In other people. It's okay when I do it.
10. Blue Eyeshadow
11. Soccer Moms
12. People who order toasted bagels at the Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru. If you're eating that crap you NEED to WALK into the store to order it. It's a drive-thru, not five star dining. These people almost always drive minivans or SUV's and 99.99% of the time are soccer moms. Bitches. And they're holding up the line
13. Lawn Ornaments
14. People who insist on explaining anything and everything in excruciating he said/she said and then this happened and that happened detail. Skip the gristle and get to the bone please. Tick tock; time is money. Unless, of course, I'm the one telling the story...
15. Moral Superiority........
16. Moral Bankruptcy .........
**There's a happy medium on this one - I've enjoyed it for years...
17. Rule Benders.... Grow some balls and blatantly break a rule, wouldja?
18. Pick up truck drivers who meticulously wax and buff their huge truck beds till they shine and never actually haul anything. I thought pick up trucks were used to pick stuff up?
19. Perpetual Dieters. Put down the bag of Cheetos, get the hell off the couch and stop fooling yourself. The "All Processed and Fried All the Time" diet didn't work the last time, and I'll bet dollars to the bag of donuts you're hiding in your purse that you're not gonna see stellar results in this round either.
20. People who stand in line at Stop n Shop complaining quietly the ENTIRE TIME... "Huff Puff I don't believe this, why do they only have one clerk on a holiday weekend? This is ridiculous!" Shifting from one foot to another... blah blah motherfucking blah. Just shut up and do what I do: Complain loudly ONE time (swearing is optional) about how you don't have time to wait for a cashier to become competent; throw your shit on the counter and leave. It's way more liberating that way.
21. Having someone read over my shoulder.
22. People who stack their plate in a neat little pile for a waitress at a restaurant, yet neglect to clear even one plate from the dinner table at home..
23. Political corruption
24. Political Correctness
25. Mothers who have no other points of conversation besides their adorable and highly advanced for their age children or their stretch marks, length of labor and c-section scars.
26. Pop up ads
27. People who pronounce lawn with a 'd' on the end of it.
28. A fresh loaf of bread placed at the BOTTOM of the grocery bag
29. People who are always early. It is just really rude.
30. People who make excuses for being early.
31. People who don't apologize for making YOU early.
32. Alcohol breath. Unless it's MY alcohol breath - then it's fine.
33. People who talk about you when you are still in the room. How rude...you are supposed to talk about people behind their back... it's called manners.
34. Retail clerks who don't acknowledge my royal presence.
35. People who insist on taking their 2 year old to grown up movies so we can all appreciate the lovely child more.
36. Excessive and unnecessary use of "quotation" marks
37. People who always talk about how honest they are. Truly honest people don't have to advertise. Honestly.
38. Donkeys who suck out on the river.
39. Spelling errors on public signs or in advertisements.
40. Going out on the bubble.

9 comments for this post

Hi-freakin'-larious!! Love your list!! We might think alike. Is that dangerous? ;)

Posted on Friday, May 22, 2009  

Fucking donkeys.

Posted on Friday, May 22, 2009  

Great list, Kim. :)

Posted on Friday, May 22, 2009  
Anonymous

They're all bastards!! Go Kim!!

Jrock :)

Posted on Monday, May 25, 2009  

George Carlin attacks the "Baby on Board" bumper stickers best in one of his better stand-up performances. If I find out the name of it I will let you know. I hate that shit too.

Posted on Wednesday, May 27, 2009  

If I ever see Michael Vick I will let my Doberman rip his damn face off while I sit idly by laughing my ass off.

And the moms?!? Fuckin-a. SHUT UP. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING KIDS. Drives me nuts...

You're awesome. :)

Posted on Wednesday, May 27, 2009  

Moodie - could be hazardous.
Badass - hee haw, hee haw... bastards.
Jenny: Thanks toots. I aim to please.
JRock: :*
Wolfgang: George Carlin... funny mo'fo'. :D
TexAss - Ur awesome too ;)

Posted on Thursday, May 28, 2009  
CeeGee

LOL!!!! you made my day!!! :o)

Posted on Wednesday, June 03, 2009  
Anonymous

ahem....i am ashamed to admit that i am a soccer mom and regularly order toasted bagels with cream cheese from DD. and a hot hazelnut latte. *hangs head in shame*

ashley

Posted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009  
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