I'm Always Naked When I Do Bad Things

By Kim Shannon on 5:54 PM

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 So I was lying in bed, wearing nothing but my new teeny tiny iPanties and wishing it wasn't so hot and humid outside that night, because a slick layer of moisture covered my entire body... I was bored, and craved a little "girl talk"  so I called Roxanne, my new neighbor and invited her to take a dip in my pool with me. She told me she'd bring the wine... She also said she was bringing "Twister" with her in case we got bored. The doorbell rang about 6 minutes after our call ended... she was REALLY EXCITED to come swim.

Now that I've got your attention, let me just say this: This post IS NOT about sweaty girl on girl action between me and my neighbor. (In fact, my neighbor couldn't fit one ANKLE through a pair of iPanties, and her name's not Roxanne. It's Edna. Or Ethel. Or Crotchety Old Lady Next Door... but that's not the point.)

I MEAN, DO I LOOK LIKE A "PENTHOUSE LETTERS" WRITING KINDA GIRL TO YOU??? Um.. ok, you've got a point there. Maybe that's NOT too far from the scope of imagination.  But again not the point, which I will get to now.
I wanted to be sure I had your undivided attention, because what I have to say is important to me. I can see that I've got it, and I thank you from the bottom of my sweaty imaginary iPanties. So we're ready to move on to the actual topic of this post, which is "JUST SHUT UP AND DO."

Every day while flash-banging my way through this social network and that social network and blog directories, and online magazines and discussion forums and more blog directories and twitter and YouTube and an 8-pack of batteries for my wireless mouse and a 6-pack of Stella Artois for my sanity, I notice that people say "I follow you" or "Thanks for adding me" or "I have favorited you"  or "I'm glad you added me as a friend" - you know the drill. Do we really mean those things, folks? Or are we all just full of shit? I wonder if we all REALLY follow who we're following... Let's say, for the sake of example, a "friend" we are "following" because they are a "favorite" has accomplished a personal goal recently, and has done something as exciting as, well.... ummm.. something like.... oh I dunno. Started a web business. Designed a clothing line. Has a gallery opening. Published a book.

Yeah. Let's say they published a book. Wow... that would really be something, huh? Imagine having a bunch of stuff that YOU wrote printed in ink, bound and sewn and put on shelves in a bookstore??? HOLY SHIT. I'd say that's a pretty major event in a "friend's" life, no?  And because they are one of your "favorite" people in the world, you would of course "follow" them to the bookstore and at the very LEAST, you'd read the jacket to see if your "friend's" new book intrigued you enough to go the extra mile and buy a copy. If it didn't, you'd certainly have enough time to give them 3 seconds worth of texted comments to let them know that you showed up to see what they accomplished, wouldn't you?  And HEYYYYY... wouldn't it be a super-duper EXTRA nifty and neat idea to, I dunno, maybe let OTHER people know what a brilliant thing your "friend" did?? Because they just may tell some more people who might tell a few people and so on and so on and..... DON'T JUST SAY YOU'RE A FOLLOWER, FRIEND, FAN or SUPPORTER - actually try to be one.  Social networking is all about making GENUINE connections people.Ok degenerates and nutbags. None of you are stupid... FARRRRR from it, which is why I adore each and every one of you strangers who I have never met in my life.  So I'm confident that you have succeeded in catching my drift.

So, that being said, take this recommendation for what it's worth... I would like to point your attention to some extraordinary people in our bipolar and poker communities who have done some really interesting (and I'll go as far as to say sometimes even AWE-INSPIRING) things. Do with this information what you will, but before you just "X" out of the page, remember that these are people in our groups, online communities, networks, friends lists and blogrolls... Lets show them that our support isn't as short lived as the bright salmon kitchen paint idea we had last summer, ok? (And then let's show 'em our boobs, because it's great for shock value and very entertaining.)

1. Two friends of mine from the bipolar community, Clive Wild and Maricela Estrada have recently published their memoirs. Both people are wonderfully colorful, intriguing, brilliantly talented writers... I've read both books, and let me just say this: there isn't a single adjective I could throw at you that would be adequate to convey how much I enjoyed each of them... Do yourself a favor and click the links below.


2. Another wonderful friend of mine, Tom, owns/operates a FANTASTIC poker forum that questions everything about online & live poker and gaming... It also asks the one major nagging question: Is it possible online poker is rigged in any way against players, especially quality players? Again, words can't describe its worth, so click the link and check it out!  X-Files Poker Forum  

Thank you for your attention. So, boys and girls... who can tell me the moral of the story? Nobody? Hm. You guys really need to keep up....The moral of the story is if you don't ACTUALLY befriend your online "friends", you should be wearing a neon sign that reads "I AM A FUCKING POPULARITY CONTESTANT, NOT YOUR FRIEND OR FOLLOWER" - Quit campaigning, Asswipe. Start networking instead. You'll be surprised at what paying attention to other people can do for your social success.

You know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. And by the way, my back is located on my vagina.

3 comments for this post

Interesting discussion here, I think you've missed one point here tho: we "friend" people who we don't really care about that much, just to stay in touch. How many people in your various friends lists would you actually invite to your birthday party? Or would you visit in hospital? Go to their wedding? I try to only "friend" people online I actually am / want to be friends with in real life, but even then I still have some extras on my contacts lists.

But the question really is: is this a bad thing? Obviously the "look at me, I have 3000 friends, I'm oh so popular and far more loved than you" attitude is bad, but is having people on your friends list who are more aquaintances than friends inherently a bad thing?

Posted on Friday, July 03, 2009  


You asked [i]"is having people on your friends list who are more acquaintances than friends inherently a bad thing?"[/i].

My feeling is not only that it's NOT a bad thing but that anyone claiming not to have acquaintances, strangers and even a few "I don't remember who this is and how they got my info" people in their lists is full of horse shit. Most likely, anyway. I'm pissed at myself for not making that clear.

I'm a HUGE advocate of social networking and making connections (whether temporary or long term) online. I mean, what purpose would myspace, facebook or twitter serve if we only interacted with the same tedious assholes we see every day? Let's face it, if the only people on our lists are Cousin Paul, Neighbor Alan and Co-worker Pat, the social networks wouldn't really be serving any useful purpose. I've got people in some of my "Friends" lists who I haven't interacted with directly EVER. Not even once.

Like I said, it's more of an issue of how people actually interact, follow and befriend each other -

If you follow Joe Smith on Twitter and he posts "I'm running for the office of King Of The World, please retweet", don't you think the first people to spread the word and re-tweet should be those in his friends list, as long as they agree with the content? If one of your "friends" on Facebook posts that they have designed a collection of dinnerware which will be sold at Macy's, I think it's only appropriate that you (as a friend, no matter how tight your connection is) should AT THE VERY LEAST click the frigging link to view the goddamned cups & saucers. And if you follow or subscribe to a blog or website that belongs to someone in your friends list, you should actually READ it every once in a while.

It AMAZES me that a person who has 5 different friends lists containing 400 or 500 friends in each and is being followed by over 400 people on twitter can count on ONE HAND the number of page views they received when announcing their book debut.

After re-reading my post, I realize that I totally missed the mark here and completely buried my main point... What I really wanted to drive home was not so much about who's on our lists, but what they're doing while they're on it.

Posted on Friday, July 03, 2009  

p.s. - Great comment Shiv! You always know how to get the wheels spinnin'. Thanks ;)

Posted on Friday, July 03, 2009  
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