Any one of these things has the potential to make my brain bleed...
1. Michael Vick
2. Customer Service people who provide everything BUT customer service
3. "Baby On Board" decals
4. Whoopi Goldberg stickingup for Michael Vick
5. People who drive below the speed limit. Fuck off and pull over.
6. Two facedness. If you don't like me, don't pretend to. Do you see me making nicey nice to you, bitch? Let's just agree to hate each other openly.
7. Right-to-Lifers. The little baby feet pins they peddle? I'd like to take a pair of those little feet and kick them in the ass with it.
8. Radical Feminists who can't take a joke. Go home; shave your legs and wax the ‘stache... all that body hair is making you cranky
9. Passive Aggressive behavior... In other people. It's okay when I do it.
10. Blue Eyeshadow
11. Soccer Moms
12. People who order toasted bagels at the Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru. If you're eating that crap you NEED to WALK into the store to order it. It's a drive-thru, not five star dining. These people almost always drive minivans or SUV's and 99.99% of the time are soccer moms. Bitches. And they're holding up the line
13. Lawn Ornaments
14. People who insist on explaining anything and everything in excruciating he said/she said and then this happened and that happened detail. Skip the gristle and get to the bone please. Tick tock; time is money. Unless, of course, I'm the one telling the story...
15. Moral Superiority........
16. Moral Bankruptcy .........
**There's a happy medium on this one - I've enjoyed it for years...
17. Rule Benders.... Grow some balls and blatantly break a rule, wouldja?
18. Pick up truck drivers who meticulously wax and buff their huge truck beds till they shine and never actually haul anything. I thought pick up trucks were used to pick stuff up?
19. Perpetual Dieters. Put down the bag of Cheetos, get the hell off the couch and stop fooling yourself. The "All Processed and Fried All the Time" diet didn't work the last time, and I'll bet dollars to the bag of donuts you're hiding in your purse that you're not gonna see stellar results in this round either.
20. People who stand in line at Stop n Shop complaining quietly the ENTIRE TIME... "Huff Puff I don't believe this, why do they only have one clerk on a holiday weekend? This is ridiculous!" Shifting from one foot to another... blah blah motherfucking blah. Just shut up and do what I do: Complain loudly ONE time (swearing is optional) about how you don't have time to wait for a cashier to become competent; throw your shit on the counter and leave. It's way more liberating that way.
21. Having someone read over my shoulder.
22. People who stack their plate in a neat little pile for a waitress at a restaurant, yet neglect to clear even one plate from the dinner table at home..
23. Political corruption
24. Political Correctness
25. Mothers who have no other points of conversation besides their adorable and highly advanced for their age children or their stretch marks, length of labor and c-section scars.
26. Pop up ads
27. People who pronounce lawn with a 'd' on the end of it.
28. A fresh loaf of bread placed at the BOTTOM of the grocery bag
29. People who are always early. It is just really rude.
30. People who make excuses for being early.
31. People who don't apologize for making YOU early.
32. Alcohol breath. Unless it's MY alcohol breath - then it's fine.
33. People who talk about you when you are still in the room. How rude...you are supposed to talk about people behind their back... it's called manners.
34. Retail clerks who don't acknowledge my royal presence.
35. People who insist on taking their 2 year old to grown up movies so we can all appreciate the lovely child more.
36. Excessive and unnecessary use of "quotation" marks
37. People who always talk about how honest they are. Truly honest people don't have to advertise. Honestly.
38. Donkeys who suck out on the river.
39. Spelling errors on public signs or in advertisements.
40. Going out on the bubble.
I betcha you can all guess who today's douchebag is. Yup, you guessed it. Michael Vick. This assface has the NERVE to announce to the world that he will now be an animal rights advocate? Really? That's like Michael Jackson becoming a foster parent. Sickening.
*ring ring* Hello? Do you have any douchebag repellent? *click* now if I could just stop twitching...ouch...
I wouldn't let this monster get within 3 feet of my dog.
In fact, I'd rather:
** Contract Swine Flu
** Sleep with Dr. Phil (another douchebag)
** Dip my face in a vat of battery acid
** Pull my toenails off with a pair of pliers
** Shave my head
** Drink a hobo's urine
** Wear a hobo's socks
** French kiss a hobo
** Let a hobo spit in my mouth
** Rub broken glass in my eyes
** Wash my face with vomit
** Sit on Jerry Falwell's lap
** Give Pat Buchanan a massage with a happy ending
** Slice my nipples off with a serated steak knife
** Jam an ice pick into my ear canal
** Beat myself with a trout
** Have planet's axis inserted up my ass sideways with no lube,wrapped in
several layers of barbed wire and drenched in rubbing alcohol).
** Jump into a kettle of simmering tar and cardboard box full of feathers
Hey Michael Dick, I mean Vick: fuck off and die in a fire screaming, you heartless douchebag.
My paranoia is getting increasingly worse. I trust no one.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR KID'S SOCCER GAME!
Because, goddamn it, I want to know! When I said “What’s up?” to you in the elevator ten minutes ago, I certainly didn’t mean “What’s up?” as a convenient and all-but-universally acknowledged euphemism for “I know you and must acknowledge your presence but I have no actual desire to talk to you and/or hear about what has been happening in your pathetic joke of a life.”
No siree, I asked you that obviously heartfelt question with genuine interest and a burning desire to know what you, that wooly mammoth wife of yours, and those just-as-dumb-as-they-are-ugly kids of yours have been up to. And I was especially hoping that you would be kind enough to share a George Michael Sports Machine-type recap and analysis of nine-year-old Taylor’s latest adventure in the world’s least watchable sport.
And you were definitely hip to the excited subtext that I was laying down. Most people would’ve responded to my seemingly innocuous query with a simple, “Hey,” or perhaps a perfunctory “Not much,” in some misguided attempt to abide by the unspoken rules of workplace conversation.
But a guy like you isn’t constrained by such generally agreed-upon social conventions. No, you’re too much a maverick to play society’s little parlor game. And for that I salute you. When someone asks you “What’s up?”, by golly, you’re going to give them their money’s worth!
Or perhaps you’re just a raging egomaniac who has convinced himself that whatever happens to him and his physically repellent family must surely be of interest to others—even when those others have easily discernible bags under their eyes, two days of facial growth, and several other unmistakable indicia of the severely hungover and thoroughly uninterested.
Whatever the reason, you jumped at the chance to give me an excruciating little summary of your family’s weekend. As a result, I am now the proud owner of way too much knowledge regarding the following events:
I'm just saying, 'What if?'
1.) The Sears run you made on Saturday to get a replacement filter for the air conditioner in the den. That was some fascinating shit. That part about how they didn’t have the right one for your exact model so they had to order it? Ri-goddamn-donkulous. I’m amazed you didn’t kill yourself right then and there. You might actually want to think about that. Seriously.
2.) The “little one’s” Sunday morning swim class. Words can’t begin to express how little I care about that or how much I’d like to douse your genitals with hot coffee.
Quick question: what would happen if one of the kids at the swim class drowned? Say, for example, your kid? Would they cancel the rest of the class that day? Would the other kids get a partial refund? I bet if your kid drowned – or ended up dead some other way – you would have to miss work and wouldn’t be able to tell me what’s been "up" for at least a week. Interesting.
3.) Taylor's soccer team's thrilling 1-0 victory over the Lions. By the way, “Taylor” – is that a boy or a girl? (I guess I never asked because I never really gave a shit.) A boy, huh? Nine-years old – has he come out of the closet yet? What am I “suggesting”? I’m not suggesting anything, douchefuck. I’m straight up implying that your son is gay. Newsflash: when he asked you after the soccer game if he could go over to Todd’s house to watch movies, he was really asking if he could go and smoke Todd’s pickle. And Evan’s. And Jacob’s. And Todd’s grandpa’s. Seriously, I read all about it on gaysonsofguysIwanttokill.org. Hey, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but that’s “what’s up” with that kid.
Okay, you got me – I’m not all that sorry to be the one to tell you that your son’s gay. In fact, I enjoyed it almost as much as little Taylor enjoyed licking Todd’s grandpa’s wrinkled shaft.
As I've mentioned previously, the creative work submitted to my "Turbulent Stories" blog will now be published here.
Click on the "CREATIVE" tab above and prepare to feast your eyes on some of the most disturbing, eloquent and raw writing I've ever seen.
Insanity feeds on our reason, not our creativity... These stories, poems and memoirs remind us of that.
I read something today that had me spitting my coffee all over my computer monitor. This is from http://celebrityjihad.com, and is re-published with permission.
Tila Tequila might seem unattainable, but deep down she’s just a regular girl…a regular girl with a dad who fucked up real, real bad. We recently caught up with the sexy star of A Shot at Love and asked her for some frank advice about modern dating.
*Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.
*Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.
*Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.
*Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.
*If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.
*Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!
*Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.
*Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.
*Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your wee-wee before she’s ready to.
*No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.
*Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”? He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?
*Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.
*Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.
*If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.
*My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing department tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.
*Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.
Special thanks to all of the CelebJihad.com writers.
To view the article as originally published, visit: http://www.celebjihad.com/celeb-jihad/tila-tequilas-dating-tips
This haunting poem was submitted by Terry M... He is as talented as he is compelling; I find myself completely drawn in by EVERYTHING he writes. Luckily, he's dumb enough to submit them for posting to ME!!! Thanks for your stupidity Terry - My blog is a better place because of your work!
thin and stones
i will be your ritual, i will lose your battle
Hi Boys and Girls!
But I AM getting rid of my "Bipolar Information" (serious mental health content and cynical sarcasm just don't mesh. I'm reminded of that Sesame Street (or was it the Electric Company?) song "One of these things just doesn't belong here; one of these things just isn't the same..."
and as I said a couple of posts ago, I'll be replacing it with the content submitted to me by other lunatics... It's good stuff. And speaking of good stuff - how many of you had the pleasure of today's
check out some of these Unlikely Sequel Titles!
Go to Twitter and search #unlikelysequels. For those of you who had a hard time cracking that code, it's http://twitter.com - then you type "unlikelysequels in the search box. And while you're there, come see me at http://twitter.com/kimshannon
Here are the Unlikely Sequels I posted - I dont want to pat my own back or toot my own horn, but pat pat and beep beep because they're GENIUS!!! If I do say so myself. And I do. These Sequels Will Never Hit The Box Office:
**Girl Interrupted This Program To Bring You An Important Public Service Announcement
**Full Metal Smoking Jacket
**Fear and Loathing in Poughkeepsie
**Sisterhood Of The Travelling Crotchless Panties
**Mi Casa Es Su Casablanca
**Ben Hur and Thur, Wurr have YOU Ben?
**Alexander the Mediocre
**Boxing Helena Bonham Carter
**Buena Vista Social Club downgrades to XP
**Schindler's Top Friends List
**Don't Tell Your Mamma Mia! Directed by Woody Allen
**An Officer and A Gentleman's Club
**Blade Runner Up
**Rainman Proves The Theory of Evolution
**The Suckit List
**Bill and Ted's Fair To Moderate Walk Around The Block
**50 First Date Rapes
**The Dirty Whore Suicides
**Passion Fruit Of The Christ
**A Raisin In The Sundress
**The Ten Strong Suggestions (The Ten Commandments)
**"Roots" - The story of a bleached blonde
**The Seven Year Old (The Seven Year Itch)
**9 1/2 Inches - The Reason Why It lasted 9 1/2 Weeks
**American Rye" - Manhandling the Loaf
**Sean Connery is James Bond in Octogenarianpussy
**What's Regurgitating Gilbert Grape
**The Forgotten 2 starring Donnie Darko, Donnie Brasco and Donny Osmond
**The Pillow Fight Club
**Animal Rights House
**American Calligraphy (American Grafitti)
**Smokey And The Crackpipe"
**Jaws 5 starring Gary Busey
**Mommie Queerest - Joan Crawford Comes Out of the Closet
Being that you all are probably conjuring up some unlikely sequels of your own... Comment me and let me in on your brilliance!
Click on the link below and vote for my Twitter Tee. This is the most action I've seen in months. Don't ruin it for me.
New hashtag for procrastinators: ' #follow friLATE" ' by @kimshannon
Now that I've got your attention, let me just say this: This post IS NOT about sweaty girl on girl action between me and my neighbor. (In fact, my neighbor couldn't fit one ANKLE through a pair of iPanties, and her name's not Roxanne. It's Edna. Or Ethel. Or Crotchety Old Lady Next Door... but that's not the point.)
I MEAN, DO I LOOK LIKE A "PENTHOUSE LETTERS" WRITING KINDA GIRL TO YOU??? Um.. ok, you've got a point there. Maybe that's NOT too far from the scope of imagination. But again not the point, which I will get to now.
I wanted to be sure I had your undivided attention, because what I have to say is important to me. I can see that I've got it, and I thank you from the bottom of my sweaty imaginary iPanties. So we're ready to move on to the actual topic of this post, which is "JUST SHUT UP AND DO."
Every day while flash-banging my way through this social network and that social network and blog directories, and online magazines and discussion forums and more blog directories and twitter and YouTube and an 8-pack of batteries for my wireless mouse and a 6-pack of Stella Artois for my sanity, I notice that people say "I follow you" or "Thanks for adding me" or "I have favorited you" or "I'm glad you added me as a friend" - you know the drill. Do we really mean those things, folks? Or are we all just full of shit? I wonder if we all REALLY follow who we're following... Let's say, for the sake of example, a "friend" we are "following" because they are a "favorite" has accomplished a personal goal recently, and has done something as exciting as, well.... ummm.. something like.... oh I dunno. Started a web business. Designed a clothing line. Has a gallery opening. Published a book.
Yeah. Let's say they published a book. Wow... that would really be something, huh? Imagine having a bunch of stuff that YOU wrote printed in ink, bound and sewn and put on shelves in a bookstore??? HOLY SHIT. I'd say that's a pretty major event in a "friend's" life, no? And because they are one of your "favorite" people in the world, you would of course "follow" them to the bookstore and at the very LEAST, you'd read the jacket to see if your "friend's" new book intrigued you enough to go the extra mile and buy a copy. If it didn't, you'd certainly have enough time to give them 3 seconds worth of texted comments to let them know that you showed up to see what they accomplished, wouldn't you? And HEYYYYY... wouldn't it be a super-duper EXTRA nifty and neat idea to, I dunno, maybe let OTHER people know what a brilliant thing your "friend" did?? Because they just may tell some more people who might tell a few people and so on and so on and..... DON'T JUST SAY YOU'RE A FOLLOWER, FRIEND, FAN or SUPPORTER - actually try to be one. Social networking is all about making GENUINE connections people.Ok degenerates and nutbags. None of you are stupid... FARRRRR from it, which is why I adore each and every one of you strangers who I have never met in my life. So I'm confident that you have succeeded in catching my drift.
So, that being said, take this recommendation for what it's worth... I would like to point your attention to some extraordinary people in our bipolar and poker communities who have done some really interesting (and I'll go as far as to say sometimes even AWE-INSPIRING) things. Do with this information what you will, but before you just "X" out of the page, remember that these are people in our groups, online communities, networks, friends lists and blogrolls... Lets show them that our support isn't as short lived as the bright salmon kitchen paint idea we had last summer, ok? (And then let's show 'em our boobs, because it's great for shock value and very entertaining.)
1. Two friends of mine from the bipolar community, Clive Wild and Maricela Estrada have recently published their memoirs. Both people are wonderfully colorful, intriguing, brilliantly talented writers... I've read both books, and let me just say this: there isn't a single adjective I could throw at you that would be adequate to convey how much I enjoyed each of them... Do yourself a favor and click the links below.
2. Another wonderful friend of mine, Tom, owns/operates a FANTASTIC poker forum that questions everything about online & live poker and gaming... It also asks the one major nagging question: Is it possible online poker is rigged in any way against players, especially quality players? Again, words can't describe its worth, so click the link and check it out! X-Files Poker Forum
Thank you for your attention. So, boys and girls... who can tell me the moral of the story? Nobody? Hm. You guys really need to keep up....The moral of the story is if you don't ACTUALLY befriend your online "friends", you should be wearing a neon sign that reads "I AM A FUCKING POPULARITY CONTESTANT, NOT YOUR FRIEND OR FOLLOWER" - Quit campaigning, Asswipe. Start networking instead. You'll be surprised at what paying attention to other people can do for your social success.
You know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. And by the way, my back is located on my vagina.